31: Shut Up Brooks

So for some reason I'm in a really talkative mood tonight, so forgive me. TC is coming to an end. There will probably be only one or two more chapters after this one. When I first started this story, I wasn't planning on it going over 30 chapters, now it is. haha. For some reason I have high anxiety over this chapter. =/ So I'm just gonna throw it at ya!!

Thanks everyone for the continued support. You are all simply amazing!!

The next time I pulled my eyes away from the ring we were back at the house. I was still frozen in the passenger seat, I was in shock. My door swung open and Brooks once again grabbed my hand and pulled me out. We walked into the kitchen and Brooks spun me into his arms, holding me tightly against his chest. “Everything I said is the truth. I’m in love with you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Why don’t you get to bed, you have an early flight to make.” He leaned down and placed his lips on mine once again. He pulled away from me and began his trek to the living room.

I don’t even know how long I had been waiting for his. Well, obviously not as long as Brooks, but if I was leaving in the morning, I wanted to make the most of our night. I watched him sit down on the couch before I followed him in. I stood right in front of him, smiling, yet I froze. Could I go through with this? He leaned forward and grabbed the back of my thighs, smiling up at me. The way he was looking at me, that slight flicker of something in his eyes, he was in love with me, and I was with him. I’d spent the last six months trying to get over him, to try and convince myself that he wasn’t in love with me, like he said. Was I that blind? Everyone around us could blatantly see it, except for me? He just decided to spring this on me, with a marriage proposal? I spread my legs and sat down on his lap, holding his face in my hands. I kissed him softly and there was that feeling again, the contractions of every organ in my body.

I pulled away from him and tore my shirt up and off my body. “Are you sure?” He breathed out, his eyes roaming my skin. I grabbed onto his face and kissed him again, taking it deeper this time. I felt his cold hands hit the warm skin of my lower back and I pushed my chest into his on reaction. In one swift motion he wrapped his arms all the way around me and picked me up. I wrapped my legs around his waist and trailed my lips along his jaw line as he walked us up to his bedroom.

He sat down on the edge of the bed, with me still wrapped around him, and I felt the restriction of my bra break away. I pulled my mouth away from his as he pushed the straps off my shoulders, his lips trailing where the fabric once was. I grabbed at the bottom of his shirt and lifted it up over his head. The sparkle on my left hand caught my eye and I couldn’t help buy smile. This, THIS, felt so right. Never before has something felt this right before. “What are you thinking about?” He asked as he hungrily nipped at my erect nipples. A moan escaping my lips.

“You want to marry me?”

He pulled his mouth away from me and rested his forehead against my own. “I need to marry you.”

I crawled off his lap and settled in on his bed, on my back. I watched him with a smile on my face as he pulled his jeans off, and then helped me out of my own. He crawled on top of me and I wrapped my arms around his broad back. Our chests pressed together, along with our heavy breathing felt euphoric. I pushed my hips up into his, hoping he'd get the hint that I was ready, and I was ready now.

"I have so many fantasies of you in this position," he groaned as he placed his lips on my neck and began to nibble down to my collar bone.

"Oh yeah, want to play one out?"

"I do."

I smiled, closing my eyes as I felt his lips roam my body. "Which one? Tell me about it."

"The fantasy I have the most about you . . .." His voice trailed off as he brought his face back up to mine and kissed me on the lips. I opened my eyes and smiled up at him.

I starred in his eyes, waiting for him to tell me his fantasy. "I want to make love to you." My smile grew wider as he crashed his lips on mine again. Our hands wandered the others body. This was our time to get to know one another in a way we haven't yet. I wanted to take my time, and it was obvious Brooks did too.

He sat up on his knees and helped me out of my jeans and panties. His eyes traveled down the length of my body. A smug smile on his face the whole time. For some reason I didn’t feel self-conscious under his gaze. I felt wanted. I felt admired.

He gripped onto my body just below my breasts and ran his hands down my sides till they were on my hips. “This is so much better than what I’ve imagined.”

“You’ve imagined me naked before?”

“Of course. Did you think I was joking all of those times when I told you I was imagining you naked?”

“Yes!” I laughed as I sat up and wrapped my arms around his neck. His hands stayed on my hips as his lips trailed along my neck. “Hey, I want to tell you something.” He pulled away from me and looked into my eyes. His emotions were mixed with anticipation and fear.

“I’m in love with you too.”

“Really?!” He scrunched his nose up, tilting his head to the side.

“Yeah, it just took me nine years to realize it.”

“Better late than never,” he laughed as he pushed me back down on the bed and stood up to discard the rest of his clothing. A smug grin appeared on my own face as I took in his naked body. Every muscle, fading bruises and scars. He could easily put any man to shame. He bent forward and kissed me just below my belly button, causing my stomach to contract from the touch. “Hey, I have an idea,” I smiled as he crawled his way up me, pressing skin to skin.

“Oh yeah? What’s that?” He asked as he placed small kisses all along my collar bones.

“Do I really have to go back to Arizona tomorrow?”

He pulled away from my skin and looked in my eyes. “I thought for sure you wouldn’t ask to stay until morning.”

“Well just hear me out. Tomorrow is Monday right?” He nodded his head taking his lips back down to my neck. “I think I’ve heard a rumor that the Judge is a Caps fan?” He mumbled what sounded like a ‘yeah’ in my skin. “Let’s get married tomorrow.”

“What?”

“I said let’s get married tomorrow. Now we’re talking way too much, and my body is aching.” He smiled at me knowingly as he spread my legs with his knees and readied himself to enter me. He looked into my eyes, and no more words needed to be shared. It was just us now. No more confusion, no more doubt, no more ‘what if’s’.

He cradled my body as he slid inside of me, almost as if he was scared he might damage me. I didn’t mind it one bit though. He was taking care of me, something I’d never experienced before. Once we were completely connected, I relaxed my whole body, enjoying the new, and amazing sensations that were overtaking my body.

His hands ran up my arms, bringing my hands above my head. He held them in place as he began a slow, yet powerful pace. I’ve always heard people talk about the difference in fucking and love making. I never could see the difference, and it was obvious now that, that was because I’ve never made love before. The out-of-boy feeling that you and the person above you connect on a whole different level.

What the hell have I been doing with my life for the past nine years?

Just as my moans were slipping out of my mouth louder and louder, Brooks stopped suddenly. I tried to slow my breathing as I peaked my eyes open and looked at him. He was grinning, running his hand down my body. “Your turn.”

He rolled us over so I was now laying on top of him. I sat up, moaning as I felt my body expand to his. “Your turn? Is that some weird sexual thing you should have warned me about?”

“No, I just want to watch your tits bounce while you ride me now.”

I leaned down, resting my hands on either side of his shoulders and kissed him as I began to rock my body front to back. I could feel my nipples brushing against his chest, just making me that much more turned on. I pulled away from the kiss and sat up, arching my back, giving him full viewing pleasure of my boobs bouncing with the rhythm. I kept my hands on his stomach as I moved my body erratically with his. I wanted to feel as much of him as I possibly could.

I swiveled my hips in circles as his hands came up and gripped onto my boobs. Grunts, groans and screams filling the room. “Faster Niko,” Brooks grunted out as he dug his fingers into my hips. There was no doubt in my mind I would find bruises there in the morning, but I couldn’t feel anything there now. All I could feel was the warm, thick cock I was sitting on. He moved my body up and down with all the strength he could muster. Slamming me down on top of him each time with great force.

I flung my head back as my thighs quivered and my walls tightened around Brooks. I collapsed on his chest once I felt the warm liquid slide between our thighs. Laying on top of him, out of breath, sweaty and sticky, I had never been so comfortable before in my life. How could things like this work out so easily?

“Pretty damn amazing wasn’t it?”

“Shut up Brooks. Luckily we have a lifetime to teach you not to praise yourself after sex,” I laughed as I rolled off of him. He reached out and pulled me close to him, kissing me on the head in the process.

“So you might have said something about getting married tomorrow. Don’t you want the big ol’ wedding, white gown, family and friends? The whole deal?”

“I always thought I did, but I don’t know if I can waste another day not having you. We’ve already wasted enough.”

“You better call your mother then.”

I groaned but nodded. I wasn’t sure how my mom would react to the news. I felt Brooks’ body shift for a moment before he handed me his house phone. I glanced at the time to make sure it wasn’t too late in Arizona. I dialed the number and waited patiently for her to answer.

“Hello?”

“Hey mom, it’s me, Veronica. Look I won’t be coming home tomorrow. Brooks and I decided to get married, so I guess I will call you tomorrow afternoon. Love you and miss you, bye.” I took a deep breath as I hit the end button.

“What the hell was that?” Brooks laughed at my confession I just released in one breath.

“She’s the one that wants the big ol’ wedding. If you want, you can call her back and get yelled at,” I laughed as I leaned up and kissed him.

“Oh great. So I get to be yelled at by you and your mother now. Maybe I should have thought twice before proposing.”

“Shut up Brooks,” I laughed as he pulled the comforter up over us and we settled in for a sleepless night.

30: 27th Birthday Promise

The heat was nearly unbearable. It wasn’t even summer time yet, and I was sweating bullets just walking from the front door to my dad’s truck. Who in their right mind would want to live in the heat? If I wasn’t such a wussy, I would have been back in DC two months prior. Back where it’s not as hot as hell. For a moment I thought Brooks had given up on me all and all. Every time he would go to book a flight for me, I’d come up with some excuse as to why I couldn’t go. Two months of excuses, he made it impossible for me to come up with something this time.

”Damn it Niko, it’s my birthday. You’ve spent every birthday with me for as long as I can remember. This little show you’re putting on is over now. No more excuses. You’re going to pack a bag, get off your ass and come see me. You’re going to spend 24 hours with me, is that too much to ask for?”

That’s all it took for me to put my big girl panties on and pack a bag. He was always the best at making me feel like I’m on the top of the world, and then again in the bottom of a ditch. He kicked me in the ass when I needed it the most, and right now, I needed it.

I was taking an overnight flight from Phoenix to DC. I’d be arriving the morning of his 27th birthday. As I watched the desert pass by out the window I thought back to the past year. Where I’d been, what I’ve done, and who I hurt. Most of all though, I couldn’t help but wonder why Brooks was still in DC and not back home. The Capitals were swept out of the second round, and it was unlike Brooks to hang around for longer than what was necessary.

“Make sure you call us when you land, and give Brooks a hug for me,” my mom chirped from the back seat and I looked up to see we were already at the airport.




I bolted out of a deep slumber at thirty thousand feet and rubbed my hands over my face. I checked the time on my iPod, it was a little before 2AM, which meant it was almost five in DC and we’d be landing soon. I went to close my eyes again, but was quickly reminded as to why I woke up to begin with. How do I act? What do I do? It’d been six months since I last saw Brooks, and the last time we saw each other our emotions were so raw. How will they be now? Will things be awkward? Or will it seem like no time has past at all?

Do I kiss him? Do I hug him? Do I even bother touching him? I look up to see the flight attendant make eye contact with me and she makes her way towards me. “Can I get you anything?” I bite my lip as I want to tell her I want Brooks. That’s all I want. I feel my eyes well up and I quickly wipe away my tears instantly embarrassed. “Oh come on sweetie, let me make you a drink,” her southern accent comes out thick, and she grabs on to my hand and gives it a squeeze. I follow her to the back of the plane where she motions for me to sit in the jumper seat.

“Talk sweetheart, something must be going on.”

“I’m on my way to DC to see a man I’m in love with, that doesn’t love me back, or at least I don’t think he does. He’d be stupid to, all I do is make the wrong mistakes.”

“Sweetie, he’s in love with you if he’s flying you all the way out to DC to see him.”

“Today is his birthday. I haven’t missed any of his birthdays since he turned 18, and he’s 27 today.”

“Well you better make it a memorable one then,” she smiled as she handed me a mimosa. I sipped on it slowly still trying to determine what I was supposed to do upon seeing him. “Oh, and sweetie, I know what you’re thinking. Let him make the first move, takes the pressure off of you,” she winked at me and I nodded my gratitude as I headed back to my seat.



My palms and feet were sweating as I dragged my bag behind me through the airport. I almost slipped a few times from the moisture soaking into my flip flops. I walked around the corner and froze when I saw him through the glass barriers. He was looking the opposite direction of me, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand, rocking back and forth from his toes to his heels. My brain was moving my body forward, but my body wasn’t reacting. I stayed in place, starring at the side of his head.

He slowly began to turn to his right, taking in sight of every person walking by. Soon he was turned enough to where his eyes landed on me. His hand came down from his neck and a smile broke over his face. He looked exactly the same. The same bright eyes, same dimples, perfect teeth. He brought his hand up and slightly waved at me. This caused my feet to begin to move.

I rounded the corner and approached him slowly, almost scared of what was about to happen. I stood inches from him, observing his face, trying to figure out what he was thinking. He stepped forward and wrapped his arms tightly around my shoulders, tangling one of his hands in my hair. “Don’t you ever fucking do this to me again.”

“I won’t. I promise,” I mumble back as I drop my bag and wrap my arms around his waist.

He pulled away from me, but kept his grip on me. His eyes beamed into mine and the strength of his stare cause my own eyes to water. “You’ve been promising a lot of things lately. I don’t know what to believe anymore.” He released his hand from my hair and wiped away the tears I didn’t realize had fallen.

“Happy birthday,” I whisper leaning forward just hoping his lips would meet mine.

“Thank you,” he whispered back moments before his lips met my forehead. “So I figured we can head home, you can take a nap for as long as you want, because I’m going to too. I was up all night. Then we have the whole night ahead of us before you leave tomorrow. Sound good?”

“Sounds perfect.”

The scenic ride from the airport to Brooks’ house couldn’t keep my attention long enough. My eyes would end up on him. Somewhere on him. His face, his hands, his thighs. Everything. He was still perfect after six months. I wasn’t sure if he would change or not, but I was happy he didn’t.

When we pulled into the driveway, a familiar pair of eyes were starring at us from her kitchen window. My smile grew as I waved to her and jumped out of Brooks’ truck once he was parked.

“Veronica my darling! How are you?” She squealed as she walked through the gate and pulled me into her hug.

“I am doing much better now Dolly. How have you been? I think I might miss you more than Brooks, but don’t tell him that,” I winked and she patted my shoulder shaking her head.

“Now, now. Go be with him, you’re not here for long anyways. Rest up and have fun tonight. I won’t wait up.” I rolled my eyes and kissed her cheek before I turned around and followed Brooks into the house.



Being back in my old room felt strange. I didn’t realize how much stuff was left behind. Being inside the room brought back memories of that night. The night that changed everything. From the couch to the arguing to calling my mother. “Hey,” I spun around startled by his voice.

“Hi,” I whispered holding a tank top in my hands in front of me.

“So I was wondering if you’d like a napping buddy. I mean I know it’s been a while and things might still be awkward but-“

“I’d love to, but in your room,” I smiled cutting him off. He nodded his head and left me to change. I didn’t think I could bring myself to sleep in that bed again. The one I shared with Mike night after night.

I tip toed my way into Brooks’ room just as he was pulling the covers back. He was in nothing but basketball shorts and for a moment I felt like a virgin on my wedding night. I tensed up as he turned around and smiled at me. I slowly made my way toward his bed and crawled in. He did the same behind me. “I’m happy you came,” he whispered in my ear as he wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me tight to him.

“I’m happy I did too,” I whispered back as I relaxed into his body and allowed my eyes to shut on their own.





My suitcase laid on top of my old bed and I made sure everything was packed away for my flight in the morning. As blissful as our nap was together, I had never felt so awkward waking up next to a man. I fulfilled my promise though, I was here for his birthday, and in less than 24 hours I’d be back in Arizona. My new home. Here with Brooks wasn’t home anymore.

“You ready?” Brooks shouted from his bedroom down the hall. I checked myself in the mirror once again, dressed in jeans and a black top. I didn’t have the energy to looked anymore dressed up. I walked out of the bedroom and headed to his where he was putting his wallet in his back jean pocket.

“Yeah,” I said quietly and he smiled at me and we left the house together. We drove through town in silence, with the soft sound of the radio playing in the background. It truly was a beautiful late June day in DC and I wasn’t exactly looking forward to the one hundred plus degrees back in Phoenix. He pulled up to a restaurant I had never been to and I looked at him questioningly. “Korean barbecue,” he explained and I scrunched my nose.

“I don’t like Korean barbecue,” I said very slowly as we got out of his truck. He walked around to my side and smirked at me.

“You never know what you like until you try it. You’ve never had Korean barbecue. The most amazing cuisine could be right under your nose, but you wouldn’t know it.” He placed his hand in the middle of my back and guided me in through the front doors. There was double meaning to what he said to me, and I immediately began overanalyzing every detail of what he said.

The place was dead, I counted all of the people dining on hand. We took a seat at the bar and were immediately waited on by a young man behind the bar. Brooks took it upon himself to order me a Long Island Iced Tea, and just plain iced tea for himself. This was his birthday, he should be the one drinking. “Are you okay?” I asked slowly once our drinks were placed in front of us. He turned in his stool so he was facing me and smiled.

“It’s my birthday, I’m with my best friend, about to eat amazing food. Everything is perfect.” His smile was genuine, his voice sounded normal, but something still seemed off. Things were off between us, and they had been since Christmas. There was this new dynamic between us that I couldn’t figure out.

“How come you didn’t go home? And before you answer, tell me the truth, don’t lie to me.” I pointed my finger at him before sipping on my drink.

“I couldn’t face my mom. Not after what happened between us.”

I was at a loss for words, my mouth hung open and I stared at his jaw flexing. I opened my mouth to say something, anything, but was interrupted when our food was placed in front of us.

Dinner went smoothly, it wasn’t nearly as awkward as I had expected it to be. It was like old times with us. Maybe it was just me that was freaking out over everything. I was overanalyzing everything like I always did. It had to stop. Brooks and I were back to how we were, and it needed to stay like that.

“Do you have to go back to Arizona?” he asked after he finished off his second Jack and Coke, and a big slice of chocolate cake was placed in front of us.

“I do, that’s where my life is now.”

“You’re life could be here again.”

I took a deep breath, he was making me question my return to my new home. With each minute that passed over dinner, I didn’t want to leave. Yet my sober mind knew that I had to. I couldn’t live my life in DC, not after the way I left it so abruptly. “No Brooks, I’m sorry.”

“As long as you continue to make trips out here, I guess we’ll be okay.” We shared a smile before we each picked up a fork and dug into the delicious cake.

I finished off my last drink just as the bartender took our empty plate away. I wasn’t drunk, but I was in that stage where I was extremely tipsy, and just about anything could please me. Brooks jumped up from the stool and I glanced at him quickly to see him kneel down next to me. “What are you looking for?” I asked laughing as I ducked my head down and looked around my feet. “Is something down there? Did I drop something?” I heard him laugh before he placed his hand under my chin and brought my eyes up to his. He was smiling at me and I quickly brought my hand up to my face. “Do I have cake on my face?” He shook his head and released his hand from my chin. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a black box. That was when I took in his stance for the first time. He was down on one knee, holding a ring box in his hands. “What are you doing?” I asked feeling like I was going to have a heart attack from confusion and hope. I couldn’t tell if I was breathing or if my heart was still beating. I formed tunnel vision straight to Brooks’ face. He was smiling all while shaking his head, damn near giggling.

“Niko, I’ve been in love with you for ten years, and I want to start off by apologizing for everything I’ve put you through these past few months. It kills me that I told you I wasn’t in love with you when you asked me. I know if I had said yes, you would have stayed and things would have fallen apart. We both needed time apart to think about things.” He took a deep breath and placed his hand that was holding the box on my knee.

“Now, I know this isn’t the most conventional way to do things, but it’s been in my mind for a long time, and I would regret it for the rest of my life if I didn’t do it this way. I kissed you because I had to know. I had to know if you were the real deal, and you are. I would ask you to be my girlfriend, but I already know what I want, and I’m impatient to start forever with you. I want you to be my wife, and I want to start a family with you. So Veronica, I have to ask you if you’ll be crazy enough to marry me?” He opened the box and inside was a gorgeous diamond ring, it looked like a beam of light in the dimly lit restaurant. I looked up from the ring to Brooks’ face. I felt like I was about to die.

“WHAT?!”

He pulled the ring out of the box and placed in on my left ring finger, my hand shaking almost violently. “Now, I don’t want an answer, not tonight anyways. I want you to think about it. I’ve already waiting ten years, I’ll wait another ten. I love you Veronica, and you gave no idea how relieving this is to say it. You should have known this was coming anyways. I told you last year I was going to put a ring on your finger on my 27th birthday.”

He stood up and pushed his way between my legs, a small applause broke out in the restaurant. He pressed him lips to mine and I tried to steady the shaking in my hands. He pulled away and looked in my eyes. “What!?” I blurted out again still unaware of what was actually going on. Did Brooks just propose? Did he just ask me to be his wife? WIFE?!

“Come on, let’s get you home.” He grabbed my right hand and pulled me out of the restaurant. I held my left hand up in front of me and starred at the gorgeous diamond ring on my ring finger. He loves me back.

29: The Emotional Downfall

This wasn't easy to write one bit. I didn't edit it because writing it was hard enough, I couldn't bring myself to read through it. So please excuse any errors. I'd been putting this chapter off far too long, so I'm happy it's finally out here. I'd love to hear what everyone thinks. Thank you.

Kristina

I hate that I cry myself to sleep every night. I hate that I thought I had everything figured out, then come to find out I wasn’t even close. I don’t know why I’m here. What’s my purpose, what’s my being. I’m completely clueless and out of the loop.

I went to therapy. I convinced myself from a black leather couch that I was insane just like those waiting in the small, smelly waiting room. I spilled my guts, I held nothing back. I cried, I laughed, I smiled, I tracked my progress and my set backs. That’s what therapy was about anyways.

Yet every decision I have made in my adulthood comes down to one thing. Or in my case, one person. Steve.

“Do you read a lot Veronica?” Julie asked as she retreated back to her desk at the end of our fifty-five minute session.

“Not a whole lot, but since I have nothing else going on in my life I’m open to the idea of reading something.”

“I’d like you to read this before you come back next week, and if Brooks calls, try and answer it.” I nod my head as she hands me a book.

The Emotionally Abused Woman

“Wait, I’m confused. Why would you want me to read this? Steve only hit me that one time, but I was never mentally abused.” I ask her as I stand from the couch and watch her write away in my chart.

“I think it might surprise you Veronica.” She said nothing more, and I took that as a cue to leave her office.

I wasn’t ready to head back to my parents yet, so I drove through Phoenix till I was on the outskirts, only a block away from the zoo. It was the middle of April, but it was already very warm outside. The east bound wind was the only thing that was keeping me from misery. I parked my mother’s car in the parking lot and headed up to the front gates where I paid my admission and walked over the wood bridge to get deep into the zoo.

I find a fairly empty spot by a pond and sit down on a bench. I look at the book resting in my hands and I begin to cry. I don’t know what brings on the tears, but they’ve been coming a lot lately.

I’ve had some days where I wish there was a giant restart button. Something for me to reach up and push and start my life over. Today is no different. I’ve made mistakes, lots of them. Yet these mistakes I didn’t learn from. They were black and white. I fucked up, there was nothing I could do about it, and it will forever haunt me the rest of my life.

I start to open the book when my phone in my purse begins to ring. I know who’s calling. He calls everyday around the same time, around this current time. The soft tears turn to sobs in an instant as I pull my phone out and see his name sprawled out over the screen. Every day since I left he’s called, and every day I ignore his phone call. Julie thinks it might help me to talk to him. I can’t though. I know the instant I hear his voice I’ll fall again, and that’s the last thing I want to do.

How come every man I fall for, turns out to be a self-centered asshole?

I hit the ignore button out of habit and thrust my phone back into my purse. My attention now turned back to the book in my lap. I flip it open to a few pages into the first chapter and just slightly skim over the words.

With emotional abuse, the insults, the insinuations, the criticism, and the accusations slowly eat away the victim’s self-esteem until she is incapable of judging the situation realistically.

I skip ahead a few pages, already not liking what I’m reading. I come across a question, it looks as though it’s raised up off the page, like it’s specifically for me.

Do you feel that you can’t do most things right?

I look up to the sky as my tears slid down my chin and tickle my neck. Where’s that restart button? I wasted how many years with that man, and he’s still ruining my life? Steve will forever be the devil on my shoulder telling me what I can and cannot do.

I look out at the pond just as a swan swims by. A creature of such beautiful nature. I wish I were a swan. One of self-transformation. A beautiful one. Graceful, soulful, sensitive and in love. Why couldn’t I have been a swan? I’m nothing more than an emotionally abused, washed up, good for nothing 27-year-old woman. I live at home with my parents and there’s no clear image of the future in sight. I’ll more than likely end up in the retirement home with them.

“Excuse me miss, but the zoo is closing.” I don’t even look over my shoulder at the worker, I just nod my head and shove my book into my purse. I stand up and approach the railing alongside the pond. I watch the swan graciously swim around. She’s content with her life. How can I become content with my own?

I’m almost ready to give up on life as I leave the zoo. The headlights in the dusky sunset look more and more appeasing as I drive past them. Would anyone even miss me if I were gone? I can only think of one problem that could possibly solve. He’d stop calling.

How did I manage to fall so far over the cliff? How did I manage to get myself into this mess? How come, after four months, I’m not out of it yet? When does the pain end and life begin again?

Questions fill my mind so much that I’m barely paying any attention to the road. Twenty miles went by that I wasn’t even aware of. I focus myself back on the road, but my mind begins to wander once again.

Will I end up alone? Am I destined to be alone? Why does life have to revolve around finding that one person you’ll spend the rest of your life with? What if you were wrong? What if I was wrong? I want to question my faith, and my beliefs, but I don’t have any. I have nothing to cling on to anymore.

I’ve question and doubted my life for as long as I can remember. What’s my worth? What was I put on this Earth to do? My mind flicks over to Brooks. That smile, that laugh, those eyes, those dimples. He’s the most beautiful person I’ve ever set my eyes on. I’m here for him. In some way, a way I don’t know, that’s why I’m here. We may never be together, but he is my life.

My mind refocuses back on the road and it takes me a moment to realize I’m in my parents driveway. The car’s parked and turned off. How long had I been sitting here?

I walk into the house and my mother knows better than to ask me how I’m doing when I have blood-shot eyes. I glance down at the mail on the kitchen counter and see an envelope on the bottom with my name written in cursive across the top. I rip it open and pull out the contents just as my mother yells at me.

Ashley Michelle Baker & Steven Andrew Jaharus
invite you to share in their joy at their wedding
Saturday, June the 26th at 5 o’clock in the evening

“It’s this fucking bullshit! This is the reason I hate my life and I just want to disappear!” I scream as I slide down the side of the kitchen counter. I can hear my mothers footsteps draw closer to me, but she never says a word or touches me. She’s an amazing human being, and it pains me that I ever doubted that about her. I grab for my purse on the counter and snatch my cellphone. My thumb rolls over the numbers with such ease, almost in relief.

It rings . . . and rings . . . and rings. I’m just about to hang up when the ringing stops. I hear nothing on the other end and pull my phone away from my ear to see that our call was in fact connected. “Hello?”

I gasp at the sound of his voice. That was all it took. “Hi Brooks.” I don’t know what’s going on in my mind. After four months of not speaking I’m on the brink of hysterics as he talks.

“How, how are you?”

“I’m doing okay. How are you?” I bite my tongue as the words leave my mouth. If anyone can pick up on a lie, it’s Brooks.

“It’s going.” The sound of his voice is almost as miserable as my own, and I lose my composure once again. Tears fall to the ground surrounding me.

“I miss you Brooks. I miss you so much.” My mother hands me a box of tissues and offers me a smile. I try my hardest to smile back but it only causes me to cry harder. “Do you miss me?”

“That’s a stupid question Niko.”

“It’s legitimate though.” I just need to hear him say it. That he misses me. That my life means something.

“Well, I found out the hard way.” His sudden silence causes my stomach to flip and my breathing to hitch. The effect his has over my body is astounding. If he says the wrong thing I’ll for sure have an anxiety attack, but if he says he misses me, I’m not sure how I will react. “I found out the hard way, I can’t live without you.”

“Oh my God, Brooks, I am so sorry. I am sorry for everything I have put you through. I need you Brooks. I need you now more than ever.”

“I’m here baby, I’m never going anywhere.”