27: Christmas Revisited

Alright, I'm actually really scared and iffy about this. Brooks is a very confused man, haha. So feedback would be amazing on this chapter. Let me know if I should continue inserting his POV. Thanks my lovelies!!

First off, I couldn’t believe he got her a puppy, and second off, I couldn’t believe I was letting this go on for as long as I have. I already knew what was going to happen. Mike’s going to get screwed over. He’s had enough fun with my girl, the girl I allowed him to move in on. Everything has to come to an end though, and I knew today I had to put a stop to this disaster. I could tell Veronica day in and day out how perfect she is for Mike, and him for her. Yet, she doesn’t know I’m actually thinking about myself, and I have been for the past nine and a half years. Every time I see them together, or when I know she’s at his place, I physically hurt. I found myself spending more time in the hot tubs at the arena after practices, easing my sore muscles. And more and more time restraining myself from beating the crap out of Mike when he talked about Veronica in the locker room. Yeah, sure guys like to brag about their girls, but talking about her ass, and how she stripped for him are things I don’t appreciate being shared in the locker room. In front of me nonetheless. Mike knows I have feelings for her. He called me out on it, and now he just dangles his relationship in front of my nose. That’s why this has to come to an end, she loves me, and she needs to know I love her too.

I sit in the kitchen, and I can hear them having sex upstairs. I grab a mug out of the cabinet, poured it half full with rum, then finish it off with the apple cider. I pop it in the microwave for a few seconds then take it with me outside into the snow. I quickly down half of the mug and feel the alcohol hit me quicker than I would have liked. I pinch my eyes shut and allow my body to sway, adjusting to the alcohol seeping into my blood. I hear my phone ringing just inside the door, and I consider ignoring it just to stay outside, but I had already ignored two calls from my mother. I step inside, just in time to hear an earth shattering scream. Not one of fear though, one of euphoric shock. I finish off my drink before answering my phone.

“Hey momma!”

“Brooks Laich, it’s about time you answered your phone, I’ve been calling all morning! Wait, how come you haven’t been answering your phone?”

“Mike’s here. I guess I’ve just been occupied. I’m sorry mom, Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas sweetie. So I have to ask, have you confessed your feelings to Veronica yet? Because you know, you kind of need to do that before you lose her for good.”

“No mom, I know. I plan on telling her.”

“How come you haven’t yet? When do you plan on telling her? You can’t let this keep going on Brooks, I don’t know if I can handle another year of this. I’m getting too old, and this crush of yours has gone on too long.”

“Well after she told me she loves me, as more than just friends, I got scared, and kept putting it off. I’ll talk to her today though, after Mike leaves.”

“Brooks is telling Veronica he loves her today!” My mom screamed to my whole family that was at our family home. I groaned as she giggled and I could hear my sister wishing me luck in the back ground. Someone cleared their throat behind me and I turned around to see Veronica walk up to me. She smiled before picking up her puppy that I wasn’t aware was playing around my feet. “Alright mom, I got to go. Merry Christmas. I love you.”

I watched as Veronica grabbed some newspapers and set them up for her dog to pee on. I hated the dog, and I wasn’t happy when Mike asked if he could get her one. Of course he would get her a dog, she milks up that sap. It’s so cliché though. “Hey,” I break the silence as I rub the back of my neck, my thoughts quickly shifting to the way she looks in sweats. Even in the baggiest of cloths I could still see the curve of her spine and roundness of her hips when she bends over.

“Hey, sorry if we woke you up. I thought you were asleep.”

I close my eyes momentarily trying to get the image of them together out of my head. Mike’s talked about it so much in the locker room, I’m positive I know exactly what she looks like naked. “No, you didn’t wake me up. My mom calling forty times woke me up,” I laugh nervously. It was the truth anyways. I had passed out on the couch and my mom calling woke me up. That was the second call I ignored. “So, I’m going to order Chinese, then we’ll watch a movie, sound good?”

“Yeah, sounds perfect.”

Sounds perfect. She doesn’t know what perfect is. She always go for the exact opposite of perfect. Okay, maybe not always. When it comes to men she does. I thought Steve was the perfect guy for her. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have introduced them. Had I of known what a pompous ass he was, I would have kept her far away from him. When he asked her to marry him it was the worst day of my life. It was the last day I knew the real Veronica and it was also the first day of having to come to terms with living my life alone.

We eat in the kitchen, and I keep my eye on Veronica out of the corner of my eye. I guess she called Mike her boyfriend and now they were in suburban bliss. I wasn’t exactly paying attention. Veronica got up to take the cartons into the kitchen and Mike looked over at me and gave me a smirk. He got up from the couch and followed Veronica into the kitchen. “I’m in love with you.” The asshole said it loud enough to make sure I heard him.

The rest of the conversation was hushed, and once the mumbles stopped I got up and headed into the kitchen. Mike looked dejected but as soon as he felt my presence he turned around and forced a proud smile on his face. “Do you mean it?”

“Mean what?”

“Are you really in love with her? Because if you’re fucking with her, I have no choice but to fuck with you.”

“I’m in love with her Brooks. There’s no question about it. I know it put strain on us, on our friendship, but bro, I’m in love with her.”

“Well she obviously ran out on you. She doesn’t take things like that very well. If I were you, I’d give her time to think, maybe go say bye then head home. We have a game tomorrow anyways.”

“Yeah, sure, whatever, I can take a hint when you drop one. Just keep your dirty hands off my girl.”

I rolled my eyes after he headed up the stairs. I managed to do it again, first Steve, now Mike. Okay, maybe she doesn’t pick the guys, maybe I do. Maybe in some weird way, I pick the guys, wait for them to screw up and then enjoy it when she runs to me to be comforted. Each time I held her in my arms though, nothing ever happened. I was too chicken shit to make an advance. Nine years of being a chicken shit. Fuck.

She came back into the living room and she looked like she just saw a ghost. “Niko,” I draw her eyes to mine but she pinches her eyes shut.

“Not now Brooks.”

“Mike tells you he’s in love with you, and you run?” I don’t exactly know where I’m going with this, we need to not talk about Mike, we need to talk about us. About my feelings for her, but fuck, Mike already ruined it for me.

“I didn’t run. I had to go to the bathroom.”

“Which was a lame ass excuse. I told you not to drag him along Niko. I told you not to do this to him.”

“I’m not dragging him along! He caught me off guard! I never thought I would hear those words again.”

“So you never thought you would hear them again, but it’s okay for you to say them?” Oh fuck, I was in deep shit now. I didn’t mean to bring us up. I wanted to. The one thing I really wanted to talk about was us, but not tonight. Fucking Mike. I closed my eyes wishing I could take my words back.

“What?”

“Nothing, nevermind. Why don’t you have a drink, calm down a bit, and I’ll bake cookies.”

I take a deep breath, hoping she doesn’t call me out on changing the subject. “You’re going to bake cookies?” I release my breath and smile at her.

“Well yeah, it’s easy to do when they’re already cut into squares. Just have to put them on the cookie sheet and bake. No foul cookies.”

“Alright, alright, fine. Just no fires. Okay?” I nod my head then inch my face down to kiss her on the cheek. All I really want to do is kiss her on the lips again, but not yet.

I managed to drink more spiked cider as I ruin the ‘no foul’ cookies. It kept running through my mind. I had to talk to her, and I had to do it tonight. For once I grew the balls to bring the subject up, and I knew come morning, they’d be sucked back up into my ass to never be seen again. It was tonight or never. I finished off my cider and walked into the living room where I immediately shut the TV off. “Hey, I was watching that!”

“We need to talk.” I swallowed hard as her eyes narrowed in on me.

“About what?”

“What you said to me a few weeks ago. How you’ll never love me the way you want to.”

“Well I won’t, because we’re just friends.” Fuck the word ‘friends’, I hate that word. ‘They’re just friends’, ‘we’re just friends’. I was sick of it.

“Do you want to love me as more than just friends though? Do you ever wish it was me with you rather than Mike?”

“Brooks. Stop.”

“No, I just want to try and understand. You wouldn’t just say something like that just to say it. There has to be more behind it.” I walk around the coffee table and sit down next to her, twisting my body so I was facing her. Not only did she have her walls up, but she had her physical walls up too. Her knees were pressed to her chest, her arms wrapped around her legs, securely keeping them in place.

“I don’t know what to tell you Brooks. I was confused back then. Then I figured things out. Now tonight, I’m confused all over again.”

“Do you love me?”

“As a friend, unconditionally.”

“When I kissed you, did you feel anything?”

“I don’t remember. You told me to forget about it remember? So I did.”

Fuck. I drop my head and look down at my sweatpants. Sometimes I don’t know why I say the things I do. I told her to forget about our kiss because I was scared. I was scared she didn’t feel the same and that I would lose her. “I actually wanted you to remember. I always wondered what it would be like if we gave ourselves a chance.” I brought my head up and locked my eyes with her. Then my body moved so quickly, I had to look down to realize I was laying between her legs, my mouth inches from hers. I ran my hand along her thigh, feeling her body. I like that my body was reacting before my brain was able to think about it. It was giving me a chance to enjoy what I ached for without thinking about the consequences.

“What are you doing Brooks?” She asked, her voice shaky, her eyes boring into mine.

“Trying to find out if friendship is where our relationship ends.” I was shocked by my own line. I wasn’t suave enough to come up with something like that, so I did the next best thing. I kissed her. It wasn’t a friendly peck on her mouth either, my lips were making love to hers. I brought her leg up, pressing my pelvis into hers. I wanted her, no, I needed her. I’ve waited my time. I’ve wasted my time. I don’t care about Steve, I definitely don’t care about Mike, it was finally time to think about myself. I was in love with the woman resting below me and as she kissed me back a small spark in my heart made me believe she loved me back.

I moved her down on the couch as her hands roamed my body. When she bit down on my bottom lip it was as if every fantasy I have ever had of Veronica just came true. “Have you ever thought about me making love to you?” I asked as I dragged my lips along her neck. She moans out what sounds like a yes. “Will you let me make love to you tonight?” I slide my hand up the front of her shirt and stop just below her bra, waiting for her answer.

“Yes,” she whispers, and I continue with my hand, running my fingers over the thin material of her bra. Feeling her nipple erect. It wasn’t cold in the living room, so that only told me one thing, she was just as turned on as I was.

“You fucking whore! You fucking asshole!” I jumped away from Veronica when I hear Mike’s voice. The only reason I jumped was because I was startled. If it was my choice, I’d still be on top of her, calling Mike the asshole. He goes off on this whole spiel, but I’m not exactly paying attention. I’m too busy pushing a pillow down on my erection. My senses aren’t functioning correctly, but Mike sounds pissed. Like he should. “Mike look, I’m sorry.” I apologize, but really I’m not sorry at all.

He talks some more, and I continue to not listen. I wish I was better at reading lips, then I could hear the names he was calling me. I didn’t regret what I had done. Well no, let me take that back. I regret it because of what Veronica will have to deal with now, but my feelings are out there now. She knows how I feel, and I know how she feels as well. It’s time to push Mike in the past and move on with future. She has to see that we’re meant to be together now right? Wait. I fucked up. I follow Mike to the front door and lock the door behind him. I return to the couch and pull a very distraught Veronica into my arms. I couldn’t figure out what was going on in my head. “I’m sorry,” I whisper in her ear. The citrus smell of her hair brings my lips back to her neck. She placed her hands on my shoulders and pushed me away. “Niko.”

“No Brooks, stop. I don’t know what this is that you’re doing, but do you have any idea what just happened? What the fuck is your problem? Are you bi-polar or something? This whole time you’ve warned me about not hurting Mike, and now I’ve hurt him, and you continue to put moves on me? What the hell is going on in your head?”

I don’t know! I don’t know what’s going on in my head. I’m full of regret, but I’m also full of hope and desire. Is she still blind? I throw myself at her, tell her I want to make love to her, and she still can’t see it? Why can’t I just yell it at her? It’s on the tip of my tongue. I want to scream to her that I’m in love with her, but instead I watch as she retreats back up to her bedroom. I’m the biggest fuck up in North America. There’s no question about it. Instead of making all the right decisions when it comes to Veronica, I just made all the wrong decisions. I just made her lose all of her trust with me. I needed to distance myself from her. I needed to put her in a safe place so I couldn’t do any more harm. All it will take is one more wrong move, and I’ll lose her forever. I can’t afford to lose her forever. I’d rather she marry Mike and keep me as a friend, then have nothing to do with me at all. Why did I have to be such a fucking idiot?



I didn’t think that she would actually leave. I didn’t want her to leave, but if this was what she needed to do, then she needed to do it. I was her back bone, her support. I had to support her. This was also my chance to distance myself from her and get my shit together. It was a sleepless night, and I had to fight back the tears as I drove her to the airport. Crying wouldn’t be fair. I was the asshole in this situation. We both needed our time, and once I came up with the perfect plan, I would set out to win her over. I wasn’t giving up, I was just backing off. I couldn’t confuse her anymore, or send her for loops anymore. I wanted her to spend time with her family, and really think about life, think about what she really wants. She’s never had the chance to do such a thing.

We stood in the airport, looking everywhere but at each other. “Brooks, are you in love with me?” I kept my eyes down on my feet, trying to hide the shock that washed over me upon hearing those words come out of her mouth. I wanted to shout and scream ‘yes’. ‘Yes Niko, I’m in love with you’, but I knew I couldn’t. What’s the stupid saying? If you love something let it go, if it comes back to you, it’s yours forever. I had to put the ball in her court. “No,” I whispered bringing my eyes up to hers. She nodded her head and looked down at her feet but I brought her eyes back up to mine. “But, I love you, okay?” I kissed her on the forehead and she walked away. I couldn’t bare to watch her anymore so I turned and left the airport. I just told the biggest lie of my life, and I could only hope that someday, she’ll understand why.

Poll

Okay, so after the last chapter, I had two lovely ladies suggest I write a POV from Brooks. Now I'm asking you.

This whole story has been from Veronica's POV, and I thought it might be odd to throw in his POV in the middle of the story, but I'm completely down with writing that if that's something you guys are interested in. I've been wanting to do one from his side for some time now, but it's just never happened.

So I think I know enough about Brooks to tap into that beautiful mind of his. Is this something you guys would be interesting in reading?

Thanks for all the continued support as always!!!

Cheers,
Kristina

26: Running

No one in the room moved, not until Mike shook his head and grabbed his cell phone off the table storming out of the house. Brooks got up and followed him, I heard the faint click of the lock and pressed my forehead to my knees. How could I be so fucking stupid? The couch dipped down next to me and two arms wrapped around me. Brooks pulled me against his chest, and I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to be around him. “I’m sorry,” he whispered against my ear, before his lips dragged across my ear lobe. He tilted his head down and kissed my neck. I placed my hands on his shoulders and pushed him away.

“Niko.”

“No Brooks, stop. I don’t know what this is that you’re doing, but do you have no idea what just happened? What the fuck is your problem? Are you bi-polar or something? This whole time you’ve warned me about not hurting Mike, and now I’ve hurt him, and you continue to put moves on me? What the hell is going on in your head?”

He sat there and stared at me, trying desperately to find the right words to say. I gave up after a few moments of silence and left the living room. I picked up Murphy on my way to my bedroom. I set the puppy down on the bed and pulled my cell phone out of my pocket. I dialed the one number that I didn’t want to dial. It rang a few times before my mother answered with a chirpy ‘hello’.

“Hey mom, Merry Christmas.”

“What’s wrong Veronica? You sound depressed.”

“Um, I need you ask you and dad a favor.”

“What’s that sweetie?”

“I need to move in with you guys for awhile. I’ll explain everything when I get there, and then I’ll start a job hunt and get an apartment.”

“Whatever you need to do sweetie.”

“Thanks mom, I’ll call you when I have a flight booked.”

I hung up the phone and fell back on the bed, Murphy crawling up onto my stomach to get comfortable. I was doing what I always did, but I had no choice this time. I couldn’t stay here and then continue to act like nothing had happened. Mike confessed his love, and in return I ripped his heart out. I know how it feels to be cheated on. Sure Steve never slept with any of my girlfriends, but it sucks. I can’t even imagine what Mike is going through. Why did I do that?

Most of all, why did Brooks do that? He can’t just kiss me whenever he wants. Friendships don’t work like that. At all. He’s fucking with my heart, and I don’t appreciate it.

Another reason why I had to leave was an obvious one. Mike and Brooks are teammates, and I was always one to put the team first. I couldn’t be here and continue to be what divided the two. It wasn’t fair to them.

I began to pack my things in all of the bags and suitcases I had. An hour must have passed by the time Brooks knocked on my door. Finally calm enough to see him, I opened the door and turned back to my closet.

“What are you doing?”

“Leaving. You can consider this my notice, I can’t stay here and continue to disrupt your relationship with Mike. Let’s just go back to the way things used to be, okay? I’ll come out for your birthday, and we’ll spend some time together over the summer. If you make it to the finals, I’ll come out. Just back to normal.”

He leaned against the door frame, his arms crossed over his chest. He starred down at his feet as he took in my words. I was thankful he wasn’t trying to argue with me. He knew as much as I did, that I was no good for the dynamics of his hockey team. Him and Mike had to be able to work together.

This didn’t fix all of our problems though, I still wanted to know what was going on in his head. He walked into my room and sat down next to the open suitcase on my bed. I grabbed a few more things out of my closet and tossed them in before I stepped in front of him.

“You understand why I have to do this, right?”

He searched my face, biting his bottom lip before nodding his head. “Um, where are you going to go?”

“Phoenix. I’m going to stay with my parents for awhile.”

“I’ll go buy your ticket.”

“Brooks, you don’t have to do that.”

“I put you in this situation, let me help you, okay?” There was an edge of agitation to his voice as he got up from the bed. I simply nodded my head and he continued his way out of my bedroom.

“Murphy, what the hell have I done?” I ask the small puppy who found a home in my suitcase curled up in my clothes.





It was a quick departure from DC. I thought for sure Brooks would buy me a ticket for the next week, but he managed to get one for the next day. The airport was packed, and instead of just dropping me off, Brooks parked his truck and walked me in. Things happened so suddenly, it was kind of hard to believe myself that I was leaving. I had called Mike to apologize and tell him I was leaving, that he wouldn’t have to deal with me anymore, but he didn’t answer. I left a short voicemail, and knew if he had any questions he would just call.

With Murphy tucked in a bag and a carryon being dragged behind me, Brooks helped me check in two suitcases, then walked me to the security. I looked up at him and his eyes were glassed over. I never thought our friendship would have to be put through any of this, but I was obviously wrong. “I better go,” I whisper, taking my eyes away from his face.

“Yeah.”

“Brooks? Are you in love with me?” I was shocked at my own question, but I guess I just needed to know. I needed to know if I was making the right decision.

“No,” he whispered bringing his eyes up to mine. There was truth and regret behind his eyes and I bit my tongue to stop the tears from flowing out. I nodded my head, taking my eyes down to the ground. He placed his hand under my chin and brought my eyes back up to his. “But, I love you, okay?” I smiled weakly at him and he kissed my forehead. I headed through security and looked back one last time to see Brooks walking away.

I managed to cry nearly the whole flight to Phoenix. Reality hit me hard. Brooks was just looking for a good time, and he was doing that with me. I never thought he’d be the type of guy to do that, but he did. He wasn’t in love with me like my mind had tricked me into believing he was.

I felt like a walking zombie as I navigated my way through the Phoenix airport. Once I found the baggage claim, my parents quickly made their way to me, my mom engulfing me in her arms. “Let’s grab your bags and go home, then we’ll talk okay?” I nodded my head and we waited for my bags on the carousel. I couldn’t even talk, I was in this depressed state where it just felt like nothing mattered anymore. I lost Mike and Brooks all within 24 hours because of stupid mistakes and false assumptions.

Being back in Arizona was a weird feeling for me. I knew I shouldn’t be here, but I was. Once we pulled into the driveway, I knew it was only a matter of minutes before my mom began to ask questions.

I sat down at the kitchen table and she pulled out iced tea from the fridge and poured me a glass. “Well, why are you here all of a sudden?” She asked taking a seat across from me.

“I’m in love with Brooks. Or at least I think I am. I’ve been going through these swings where I am, then I convince myself I’m not. Well I’ve been dating his friend, and his friend told me he loved me last night and I . . . no, I don’t do love. Not with anyone other than Brooks. Brooks ended up kissing me last night, and we would have had sex, but Mike walked in on us. I just, I had to leave. This morning I asked him if he was in love with me," I paused to whip away the tears that sneaked out. "And he told me no. I thought I was reading all the signs right, but I wasn't. Leave it to me to fall in love with my best friend who doesn't feel the same."

"He loves you Veronica, we can all see it. Maybe he's scared, have you told him you love him?"

"Kinda, I mean its this ongoing circle. I did tell him I won't be able to love him the way I want to and when he called me out on it I told him I was confused. This was last night. He's messing with me mom, and I don't like it."

"Well just stay here through the New Year, clear your head then you need to go back and tell him your true feelings. Don't word it weird, you just need to come out and tell him you're in love with him."

“I wish it was that easy mom. It’s hard enough that he’s my best friend, but throw on top what Steve did to me. I’m scared. I’m scared shitless.”

“Veronica, you’re not getting any younger. You need to tell him.”

“He doesn’t love me.” I covered my face with my hands and cried into my palms. Of course he wouldn’t be in love with me. You never get what you really want, and sitting here with my mom I realize the thing I want the most is Brooks. I’m meant to be with him. He’s been my rock for nearly a decade, we know everything about each other. He is my other half.

The other half I’ll never have. Life here in Phoenix will be one of adjustment to living life never quite fulfilled. I’ll have to learn to live my life knowing that this void in my heart will always be there.

25: Dessert

"What did you just say?"

"I'm in love with you."

"You don't mean that."

"I do, and I have been for a long time. I've been waiting to tell you, and today . . . today is the day."

I shook my head and held my hands out in front of me. I don't love. I don't fall in love. I don't have people fall in love with me. This wasn't happening. I just came to terms with the title 'boyfriend' again for fuck sake's. Love? I guess for a milli-second earlier in the day I thought I'd be capable of love, but now hearing it come out of his mouth, I was wrong. “Not to walk out on you or anything, but I have to go to the bathroom.” I quickly rushed my way out of the kitchen and ran upstairs.

He loves me? Love? Was he serious? No, there was no way. Absolutely no way. I locked myself in the bathroom and splashed cold water onto my face. What I thought was going to be the best Christmas ever just took a left hand turn. A hard left hand turn.

Would I be able to lock myself away in the bathroom until tomorrow when they had a game? Come back out when I know the house will be empty? A light knock on the door brought my heart rate up and I looked at myself in the mirror trying to come up with excuses not to open the door. “Veronica, I’m gonna head out,” Mike announced. I hung my head and placed my hand on the handle, opening the door. “Game tomorrow, so I better get home.”

“Oh yeah, sure. Are you okay to drive?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine. Are you coming to the game tomorrow?”

“I’m not sure.”

“Well, you should. You haven’t come to a game yet.”

I nodded my head and he leaned forward kissing me gently before smiling and walked down the hall. I closed the bathroom door once again and sat on the edge of the tub. Why was this happening? I’m damaged goods, who would want to love that?

Sucking in a deep breath I finally stood up, knowing I couldn’t hide in the bathroom forever. I headed back downstairs and started cleaning up the living room. “Niko.”

“Not now Brooks.”

“Mike tells you he’s in love with you, and you run?”

I turn around and look at Brooks to see anger in his eyes. Why was he angry at me? None of this concerned him. “I didn’t run, I had to go to the bathroom.”

“Which was a lame ass excuse. I told you not to drag him along Niko. I told you not to do this to him.”

“I’m not dragging him along! He caught me off guard! I never thought I would hear those words again.”

“So you never thought you would hear them again, but it’s okay for you to say them?”

“What?” I knew what he was talking about, but I didn’t want to talk about that now. Now when Mike confessed his love for me. The last thing I wanted to talk about was how I told Brooks I might be in love with him. Or I was in love with him. Or I used to be in love with him. Hell, I didn’t even know anymore! I hate the damn word, and the whole meaning behind it. I wanted to delete it from my vocabulary.

“Nothing, nevermind. Why don’t you have a drink, calm down a bit, and I’ll bake cookies.”

“You’re going to bake cookies?”

“Well yeah, it’s easy to do when they’re already cut into squares. Just have to put them on the cookie sheet and bake. No foul cookies.”

“Alright, alright, fine. Just no fires. Okay?” He nodded his head then kissed me on the cheek. We both walked into the kitchen, him going for the fridge and me going for the tequila.



The smell of chocolate chip cookies filled the house and I got up from the couch and walked into the kitchen. Brooks stood over the stove, his head hanging, and a spatula in his hand. “What’s wrong?” I asked as I walked up next to him and looked at the delicious cookies on the pan. I went to pick one up but it was stuck. I grabbed the spatula from him and tried to use that. No good.

“No foul huh?” I laughed handing the spatula back to him.

“I forgot to spray the pan.”

“Yeah, I kinda figured that since the cookies are cemented down.” I grabbed a knife out of the drawer and began to stab the cookies, breaking them up, but at least getting them off the cookie sheet. I grabbed a piece and popped it in my mouth. “A little crispy, but good,” I smiled at him and he bumped me with his shoulder. I grabbed a few more pieces, poured myself another margarita and headed back into the living room. I curled up in the corner of the couch, my knees pressed to my chest as I turned on some Lifetime Christmas movie.

Brooks walked in a little while later and shut the TV off. “Hey, I was watching that!”

“We need to talk.” I felt my stomach drop at his words. He had this all planned out. He prompted me to drink so I would let my walls down a bit. He baked the cookies for me to form a soft spot for him. Sneaky bastard.

“About what?”

“What you said to me a few weeks ago. How you’ll never love me the way you want to.”

“Well I won’t, because we’re just friends.”

“Do you want to love me as more than just friends though? Do you ever wish it was me with you rather than Mike?”

“Brooks. Stop.”

“No, I just want to try and understand. You wouldn’t just say something like that just to say it. There has to be more behind it.” He took a few steps towards me, and sat down on the couch next to me. I pulled my knees even closer to my chest and watched as he pulled his left leg under his body, turning himself so he was facing me straight on.

“I don’t know what to tell you Brooks. I was confused back then. Then I figured things out. Now tonight, I’m confused all over again.”

“Do you love me?”

“As a friend, unconditionally.”

“When I kissed you, did you feel anything?”

“I don’t remember. You told me to forget about it remember? So I did.”

He nodded his head as he looked down at his sweatpants, picking at a loose thread. “I actually wanted you to remember. I always wondered what it would be like if we gave ourselves a chance.” He brought his head up quickly and grabbed on to both of my feet, pulling my knees away from my chest. He moved so quickly that I didn’t even have time to think before he crawled between my legs and rested his chest on top of mine. I felt myself begin to get lightheaded as I stopped breathing. His eyes bore into mine, his right hand running the length of my thigh, hooking in behind my knee.

“What are you doing Brooks?” I asked gasping for breath.

“Trying to find out if friendship is where our relationship ends.” He leaned forward and pressed his lips to mine, not even waiting to see how I would respond before he began to nibble and suck. He lifted my leg up from my knee, pressing his body further onto mine. I placed my hands on either side of his torso, squeezing tightly, gently feeling his ribs under his muscles. His left arm wrapped around me and he moved us down on the couch so I was laying down. I arched my chest to push into his, cursing that we were both dressed. Sure my mind was a little fuzzy from the alcohol, and I shouldn’t be enjoying what he was doing to me, but all I could think about what how blissful this was. The bliss overpowered the confusion. How could he go from being mad at me about Mike to making out with me on the couch? That didn't matter. Not now anyways. I'll yell at him later.

I kissed him back urgently, biting down on his bottom lip. He groaned against my mouth, forcing his tongue to slide along the edge of my own. The muscles between my legs tightened and I whimper as he moved his lips along my jaw line to that sweet spot beneath my ear. “Have you ever thought about me making love to you?” He grumbled, the vibration of his voice against my neck caused me to press more into him.

“Mm-hmm.”

“Will you let me make love to you tonight?”

Say no. Say no! “Yes.” It came out as a whisper, but his hand was already half way up my shirt.

“You fucking whore! You fucking asshole!” I jumped at the sound of Mike’s voice. Brooks jumping off of me and toward the other end of the couch. “I stood outside knocking because I forgot my phone, and for some bizarre reason I assumed you guys were sleeping. So like any human being, I try the door and it’s unlocked. Then I come in here to see my supposed best friend groping my girlfriend? How long as this been going on?” His voice drips with venom, and I slowly sit back up, taking my position once again in the corner of the couch with my knee pressed to my chest.

“Mike look, I’m sorry.”

“Shut the fuck up Brooks. Veronica, how long has this been going on?”

I don’t know what to say, so I don’t say anything at all. Which was probably the wrong decision to make. I should at least say something, anything, but I don’t know what.

“You can both go to hell.”

New Story

Yes, I'm crazy, I'm writing another story.

It's Craig Adams, and it was just posted.

Stay Within Your Lines

I'm gonna leave it at that...

24: Christmas Confessions

A persistent licking of my eyelid brought me out of my sleep and I groaned pushing away the disturbance. "Veronica," Mike whispered, just as a tongue darted into my ear.

"That's gross Mike, get off me," I groaned as I grabbed my comforter and pulled it up over my head.

"It's Christmas morning Veronica! Get up!"

I felt something crawling all over me, and then a small yelp. I froze in place. What the hell was that? I pulled the comforter down slowly from over my head, only to come face to face with a furry white and tan thing. "Merry Christmas," Mike cheered from the edge of my bed. I sat up and looked in my lap. A puppy. He got me a puppy?

"You got me a puppy?" I asked sounding like a five-year-old, overflowing with excitement.

"Took me a long time to convince Brooks to let a dog in this house, but yeah, I got you a puppy."

I picked the little fur ball up in my hands and looked it over, clearly a boy. "Why?"

"Why?" He chuckled and I looked up at him and nodded my head. "Well isn't that what guys do for their girls, get them puppies? Makes the girls all gooey with sap?"

I bursted out into laughter, but quickly covered my mouth with my free hand. I set the puppy down on the bed and crawled over to Mike, wrapping him up in a hug, pressing my lips to his. I pulled him down onto the bed with me and we played with the puppy. "What are you going to name him?" Mike asked as he held the little monster above his head with one hand.

"Murphy."

"Murphy? Really? That's a dorky name."

"Dorky, just like his daddy," I smiled over at Mike and he leaned over and kissed me, placing Murphy down between us. Things were right. This was right. Ever since Brooks got back from that five-day roadtrip, I was looking at Mike differently. I didn't want to look at him differently, but it just started happening that way. I started spending more time with him, outside of our twice a week sleep overs. We were turning into that relationship I dreaded so much. Mike was my boyfriend, and I was loving it.

"We better get downstairs, Brooks is trying to make breakfast." I groaned at the thought of him in the kitchen. I've been trying to teach him how to cook certain things, but there isn't a whole lot of space in that brain of his to soak in my teachings. Somehow he manages to convert everything to hockey. Flipping a pancake in his head is the same as 'chucking sauce' on the ice.

I knew that Brooks and I would be spending Christmas together, but I was shocked to find out that Mike would be spending the holidays with us as well. Their schedule just didn't allow the boys to fly home for the holidays. I crawled out of bed and wrapped my arms around Mike's shoulders. "Merry Christmas boyfriend," I smiled before kissing him gently.

"I'm sorry, did you just call me 'boyfriend'?" He grinned after he pulled away. I matched his smile and nodded my head. "I knew you'd come around," he laughed as he kissed me again.

Boyfriend. It's just a word. Just a title, but actually it's means a hell of a lot more than that. The definition of boyfriend is 'a male lover', but there's more to it than just that. Mike has been a male lover to me, now we were going to start bringing in the emotional stuff. He has been the whole time, but now it was my turn. It was time to grow up, and put effort into a relationship.

With Murphy tucked under my arm, Mike and I walked into the kitchen hand-in-hand. Brooks spun around, pancake batter all over his sweatshirt and his eyes immediately fluttered down to our conjoined hands. "I'm sorry, but I don't think I've ever seen you two hold hands before," he grinned as he waved the spatula around in the air.

"That's what boyfriends and girlfriend do though," Mike smiled as he squeezed my hand.

"Well, it's about damn time Niko. I'm happy for you. Anyways, what'd you name the rat?"

"He's not a rat, and his name is Murphy," I smiled as I let go of Mike's hand to pet the puppy. I pulled Murphy away from me and handed him to Mike before taking over the disaster in the kitchen.

"Egg nog?" Brooks asked as he walked to the front of the fridge, easily stepping away from the stove.

"Is it spiked?" Mike asked as he took a seat at the breakfast bar.

"Of course," Brooks chuckled and I looked up at the clock.

"It's 7:30 in the morning!" I shouted as I watched them pour themselves large glasses.

"It's Christmas Niko. We drink, eat, open presents, drink some more, pass out around noon, and then wake up in time to watch A Christmas Story before trying to find the only open Chinese restaurant for dinner." Brooks explained with an over exaggerated eye roll.

"Whatever, I don't drink anymore. My mouth gets me in trouble when I drink."

"Fair enough," Brooks laughed as him and Mike clinked glasses together.



We sat around the Christmas tree, separating gifts from our families. Brooks and Mike were giggling like little children rolling around on the ground playing with Murphy. "Okay, I'm going to start opening," I announced, but neither acknowledged me. I shrugged my shoulders and looked at the two presents in front of me. My mother was angry I wasn't coming home, so she didn't send me anything. I of course sent her the perfume I buy her every winter, I wasn't going to let this Christmas be a complete failure. Both presents were in shirt boxes, both equally wrapped with a lot of tape. The only difference, one was from Mike, the other from Brooks. I looked back over at the boys, playing keep away with Murphy with a tennis ball. I rolled my eyes and decided to just open the presents. They were both far from sobriety, so they wouldn't mind. I opened Brooks first, and as soon as I lifted the top, I recognized the smell. Inside laid one of his game worn jerseys. I should have known considering he gives me one every Christmas, but I couldn't help the smile that came over my face when I lifted it up and held it to my nose, inhaling deeply. There was something about the smell of hockey jerseys, most people called it foul, I loved it. It'd become the smell of home to me since I met Brooks.

After I set it aside, I picked up my gift from Mike and tore off the paper. I lifted the lid and looked up to see him watching me with a slick grin on his face. I lifted the tissue paper away and grinned upon seeing the black lace sitting inside. "You got yourself a gift," I laughed which caught Brooks' attention. I quickly placed the lid back on the box and he tilted his head.

"What'd Mikey get you?"

"Nothing. It's a box full of nothing. Why don't you guys open what I got you huh?" I suggested pushing the two small mounds of presents towards them. The both picked up a gift from me, identical gifts at that as well. I held back my giggled as Murphy climbed on my lap and they tore the paper off in excitement.

“A snuggie?” Mike asked with a contorted face.

“Better yet, Washington Capital snuggies,” Brooks laughed as he examined his.

“They’ll come in handy for your flights. You guys can stay warm and still cuddle.” I smiled to them. Brooks rolled his eyes again, but Mike smiled.

“Hear that Brooksie? She’s finally giving us the go ahead with our relationship. We don’t have to hide it from her anymore!”

“Oh shut up Mike, I’d rather save my body for someone worth it.”

I chuckled along with the boys, and enjoyed the rest of our morning together. Playing with Murphy, watching Brooks get excited over the new electric guitar I got him, and Mike sitting at the coffee table scribbling on blank pieces of paper. I had given him a coupon, good for one tattoo. My little family. Two drunk boys, the girl to keep them sane, and now a puppy. Life was finally good.

After a few more drinks, Brooks passed out on the couch, and I dragged Mike up to my bedroom with me. I had every intention of putting my gift from him to use. There was no way I was going to allow him to pass out. Not yet anyways. I pushed him down on my bed and headed across the hall into the bathroom to change. The lingerie he bought me was a little small, I felt like my breasts were shoved up to my chin they were squished together so bad. I grabbed the tag off the counter and looked at it. “34 B? What the hell does he think I am? A girl?” I readjusted my boobs one last time; the bra wasn’t going to stay on for long anyways. The lace underwear was snug as well. They sat low on my hips, extremely low. I felt like Britney Spears circa 1999. Should I bring the scissors with me so he can cut me out of them?

As I walked back across the hall, I could feel myself wet with anticipation. I pushed my door open, and he was sitting on the edge of my bed in just his boxers, a shit-eating grin on his face. “You look beautiful,” he whispered as I stepped between his legs, his hands roaming up my thighs to my lower back.

“Can we do things differently today?” I asked running my hand over his hair. He nodded as he grabbed my arm and kissed my wrist, right on my tattoo. “Nice and slow, I want you to be passionate with me. I want you to treat me like a delicate ornament. I want you to roam my body, make every square inch of me tingle.”

“You want me to make love to you?”

“I want you to make love to me.”

He lifted me up in his arms and rested me on my back on top of my bed. His mouth dragging along my stomach, through my cleavage till he was kissing my lips. I felt my nipples harden within the bra, and the tightness was almost unbearable, already, and we had just started. He ran his hands along my arms, intertwining his fingers with mine, pulling my hands above my head. His feet slid underneath my knees, out bodies completely entangled now.

We kissed slowly, enjoying the pulsation in my lips as he nibbled and sucked. I went to move my hands to the back of his, but he held me in place. His chest pushing down harder on top of mine. If I didn’t get this bra off soon, the idea of going slow was going to be thrown out the window. “Mike,” I whimpered as his lips moved to my neck, just below my ear.

“Hmm.” The vibration of his voice against my neck caused me to bite my lip and arch my back.

“Take my bra off.”

“No, I like it on you.”

“Take it off Mike.” The sternness and neediness in my voice caused him to pull one hand away and reach behind me. With a flick of his fingers, my bra was unclasped and the pressure around my nipples was released. He let go of my hands to allow me to take the bra off completely. As soon as it was off, my hands were back above my head and his mouth surrounded my left nipple. I moaned out as I tried to move my legs, but he kept them in place with his thighs. We were always so fast and hungry when it came to sex, going slow was surely going to kill me.

His tongue flicked at my right nipple, and I tried to move, anyway I could, but I was pinned. “Come on Mike.”

“No. I’m taking my time.” I could feel him grow hard against my pelvis, and I bucked up causing him to grown out and bite down on my breast. “This was your idea, you know.”

“And I regret it. I need you in me Mike.” One hand came down from my wrists, and ran alongside my body until he reached the top of my underwear. His hand flipped over and he shoved it into my underwear. The lace tightened around my ass, and his hand was pressing hard against me. He barely had any room to move his fingers. “Hot and wet, just the way I like you.”

I groaned and began to rock my hips the slightest bit. I needed movement, and there currently wasn’t any. One of his fingers slipped into me, then another and then a third. He rubbed slowly, but firmly over my clit as he bit his way down to my neck. The slight movements of my hips caused his hand to push my underwear down. The further they slipped down, the bigger the movements he made. Now I was determined, I had to get out of these panties.

He must have read my mind as he sat up and began to pull them down my legs, freeing my body to complete free me of them. I sat up and grabbed onto his boxers, pulling them down to his knees. I moved to the side and turned him, then pushed him down on his back. His erection laying flat on his tight belly. I finished pulling his boxers off, and then crawled over his legs, hovering myself above his penis. “You’re still on the pill right?” He asked and I nodded my head. His hands came up and groped my breasts. I reached below me and grabbed his penis, easing him inside of me. I sat up straight, feeling him stretch me to my limits. I lay down on top of him and kissed him on the lips as I began to rock forward. The feeling of him inside of me, as well as my clit rubbing against his skin was quickly causing me to lose brain cells.

My breasts pressed against his chest, moving up and down. It felt like taste buds covered my whole body, and I was loving what I was eating. I could say he was a wonderful piece of meat, but it wouldn’t do his body any justice. This was a top grade steak, covered in juices I wanted to lick up. His hands grabbed onto my ass and he sped up my movements. I knew I was breathing, I could feel air filling my lungs, but nothing was coming out. My clit felt swollen, the taste buds becoming even more sensitive to what it was eating. He wrapped his arms around my back and flipped us over. He did what he always did best, and that was take charge.

I always hated the missionary position, but there was something about the way he was holding me, and kissing me that made it different. He was making love to me, just like I had asked him. I wrapped my legs around his waist, pulling him closer to me. My insides were screaming, and my clit was craving for more. They always said there were two different types of orgasms. A clitoris orgasm where you scream out for God, and a vaginal orgasm where you see God. I didn’t know if I could wait to see God, but I was ready to scream for him.

He sped his pace, but kept his body close to mine. My toes clenched around the sheets and my fingernails scrapped over his shoulders as I screamed into the broad daylight. I needed to be saved. Oh God, I needed to be saved.

My eyes fluttered shut and our chests moved together to try and slow our racing heartbeats. He dug his head into the crook of my neck, and I ran my fingers through his hair, keeping him in place. “You’re beautiful Veronica. Absolutely beautiful.” I smiled and pulled his head back to kiss him.

“I’m going to go get some water, you want any?” He nodded his head against my cheek and rolled off of me. I got up from the bed and stood up, instantly feeling my thighs shake. I quickly threw on some sweats and slowly made my way downstairs. I stopped on the last step when I heard Brooks’ voice. I hung my head, I thought he was asleep.

“No mom, I know. I plan on telling her.” I brought my head at his words. He was planning on telling who what? “Well after she told me she loves me, as more than just friends, I got scared, and kept putting it off. I’ll talk to her today though, after Mike leaves.”

I felt my heart sink to my stomach, and my shaking legs screamed at me as I began to make my way back up stairs. But a yelp from a puppy caused me to stop. I turned back around and cleared my throat to let Brooks know I was present. I found Murphy jumping around Brooks and walked up to him, giving him a weak smile as I picked the puppy up. “Alright mom, I got to go. Merry Christmas. Love you.” I grabbed a bunch of old newspaper and set it up in he kitchen for Murphy to pee on. “Hey.” I looked over my shoulder to see Brooks standing there rubbing the back of his neck.

“Hey, um, sorry if we woke you up. I thought you were asleep.”

“No, you didn’t wake me up. My mom calling forty times woke me up,” he chuckled nervously. “So um, I’m going to order Chinese, then we’ll watch a movie, sound good?”

“Yeah, sounds perfect,” I announced before turning my attention back to Murphy in front of me.



I wanted to enjoy myself. This was the first Christmas where family members weren’t hounding me about my life. I truly wanted to enjoy myself, but all I could think about was the conversation Brooks and I were going to have once Mike left. Maybe I could convince Mike not to leave.

“Chinese, a movie, my best friend, my girlfriend, and a brand new snuggie. I’ll say this is the best Christmas ever,” Mike smiled at me as he ate his food. I smiled back at him before I continued to pick at my food.

Once the boys emptied all of the cartons, I stood up from the couch and took all of the plates and garbage into the kitchen. I took my time washing all of the dishes; I couldn’t go back into the living room until my brain slowed down a little. It was spinning with questions and I was dreading finding out the answers to them. I shut the water off and stood here, starring out the windows into the white abyss.

“I’m in love with you.”

Startled I spun around and held my breath. “What did you just say?”

“I’m in love with you.”

23: My Purpose

With two suitcases filled to the brim, I dragged them down the stairs behind me. I ran around the house frantically making sure all of the lights and appliances were off. Once I was back at the kitchen door, I grabbed my keys, my purse and dragged my suitcases once again with me outside.

"Veronica darling! What are you doing?"

"Leaving." I shouted over my shoulder as I walked down the pathway toward my car.

"Like hell you are!" Dolly shouted and I heard the gate separating our properties swing open. "You're not driving anywhere! You drank nearly half that bottle of tequila! Where do you think you are going?"

"The airport!" I shouted at her as she grabbed one of my bags and walked down the driveway and over to hers. As I watched her load my suitcase into her trunk, I quickly ran over to her with my other suitcase where it was placed beside the other one. I walked over to the passenger seat and climbed in. She started up the car and backed out.

"So are you going to tell me why I'm taking you to the airport? What happened after I left?"

"Brooks called. I think I told him I love him."

"So you're running?"

"Yeah. What else would I do?"

"No, I understand. Here, they won't let you on a plane drunk, drink some of this." She handed me a bottle and when I looked down at it, I realized that I wasn't just drunk, I was pretty much hammered. I couldn't even see what I was holding. I unscrewed the top and chugged the contents inside, which wasn't a whole lot of liquid. I couldn't even taste it.

"So I need the next f-fli-flight to . . . Phah-"



Why did it feel like every morning for a long time now, I wake up hung over? I rolled around in the white sheets surrounding me until I fell to the ground with a thud. I opened my eyes and looked around the room I was in. There was lace everywhere. I was in my parent's house already? How? What? I crawled up off the ground and looked around the room, squinting my eyes at framed photos. "I don't know these people." I looked out the window and saw snow falling. Wait. I looked back at the photos and sure enough, in one of the frames was a picture of Dolly and two small blond girls.

I stumbled my way to the door, with each step I took it no longer felt like I was hung over, it felt like I was still drunk. I swung the door open and the smell of bacon hit my nose. I held my stomach and calmed my senses before venturing into the kitchen. "Oh good morning sweetheart!" Dolly chirped from behind the stove.

"Did you drug me?"

"What?"

"Did you drug me? You drove me to the airport last night, and then I can't remember anything else."

"Oh no dear, I drove you around the block until you passed out, and then I had Hank across the street carry you into the bedroom."

"Why didn't you just take me to the airport?"

"I couldn't let you leave like that! You were hysterical! You're in love with your best friend! Plus on top of it you were drunk like a skunk. I won't let you make the same mistake I did."

"Okay wait, I have two questions. First, what did you have me drink last night?"

"A tiny bit of NyQuil."

"That's evil. Okay, so second question, what do you mean the same mistake you did?"

"Come on child, sit down. Do you want any coffee?"

I shook my head no, and took a seat at her kitchen table. She turned off the stove and pilled food on a plate and brought it over to the table. She placed a clean plate in front of me and sat down across the table, taking some food herself.

"I was in your situation when I was your age. Fell in love with my best friend, never told him, watched him fall in love and get married. They had two beautiful children. Then one day he told me he was in love with me and always had been." She paused, her eyes glassing over. I reached across the table and placed my hand over hers.

"What happened?" I asked knowing there was more to the story.

"He died three days later. He was going to divorce his wife, and he felt terrible for doing so. I felt terrible for him to do that, but he was determined we were supposed to be together. Then he got into a car accident and that's all it took. Veronica, anything can happen, that's how fast something you love can be taken away from you."

I felt tears well up in my eyes as I listened to her. I could hear the heartbreak in her voice.

"Veronica, you have to tell him."

"I'm scared," I whispered as her hand slipped out from under mine, and she placed it on top of mine. Now she was the one comforting me.

"Why are you scared? You've known him your whole adulthood."

"It will change things. He doesn't feel the same way about me. He kissed me cause we got caught up in the moment, and he told me to forget about it. To act like nothing happened. He has no idea what he does to me, whatever it is that this is. I just need to a few days to clear my head and get over him. For good."

"Well I can't force you to do anything, or smack you upside the head to realize those feelings will be reciprocated, but you're a grown woman. You'll make your own stupid mistakes."

"Thank you Dolly." I pushed myself away from the table and stood up. "Where are my suitcases?" I asked her after looking around the kitchen.

"Oh Hank put them in your house for you. You left the door unlocked." I groaned at my own stupidity. I thought I made sure everything was turned off and locked up. That just showed how far gone I had truly been the night before.



With Brooks gone, and twelve inches of new snow on the ground, I was left in the house with nothing but my thoughts. The thoughts I couldn't shut up. The pros and cons constantly running through my mind. There was no on and off switch. It was just me and my thoughts. I did everything to think of something else, something other than the disaster that would be Brooks and I, but I couldn't . . . I just couldn't think of anything else. It was haunting my well being, and my mind was obsessed with it.

I was trying to convert my thoughts from how amazing Brooks is to how wrong we would be together. I was failing miserably. That was until I started doing the laundry, and found the red lace thong in his hamper. Brooks is a playboy. He just isn't the marrying type. At least in my eyes, he isn't the marrying type. This just confirmed it. I sat down on the edge of his bed and looked at the underwear on the floor. He was no different than me. Why did this upset me so much? I wasn't in a committed emotional relationship but I was in a committed sexual relationship. All I was doing was going in this emotional circle, destroying myself. Mike started out as something fun, new and somewhat dangerous. Now all he was, was a distraction from Brooks. I could feel my heart drop to my stomach as I continued looking at the underwear. I was angry with myself, and full of jealousy. A deadly combination for my emotions.

I suddenly felt like I turned into Steve. I stooped down to his level. He didn't take our relationship seriously, making me feel like all I was good for was a lay. Now here I am, sleeping with Mike. That's all I'm good for after all, isn't it? Brooks and I are more alike that I first figured. I'm not the marrying type either. All I have to do is smile and spread my legs and I'll be okay. I'm just flesh and bones, there are no emotions attached. How did I become so damn good at hiding my emotions though? I'm struggling so bad on the inside, but people around me have no idea what's really going on. Well that's everybody minus Dolly, that woman can see straight through me.

A loud thud rang through the house from downstairs and I jumped from my spot on Brooks' bed. My heart rate immediately picked up as I heard clattering. I got up from the bed and cautiously made my way downstairs, looking for something, anything to grab to protect myself. I rounded the corner into the kitchen with a tennis racquet in hand and ran right into a broad chest. I immediately began screaming and swinging my arms frantically, but the racquet was ripped from my hands, and a strong arm wrapped around my waist.

"What the fuck are you doing?!" I stopped trying to run away and looked over my shoulder to see Brooks holding on to me.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" I asked back. He was on a road trip, for five days. Why was he here?

"It's Tuesday Niko, road trip is over. It's nice to see you too."

"It's Tuesday?" I was seriously confused. It felt like he had just left the day before. Had five days really gone by without my knowledge? His fingers dug into the fabric of my shirt, digging into my skin, and I quickly shoved his arm away and stepped away.

"Are you okay Niko? I sent you a text message saying what time I'd be home."

"Text message? No, I guess I'm just a bit out of it. I've been working a lot around the house."

"Have you slept at all? You have bags under your eyes."

Red lace flashed in my eyes again and I walked out of the kitchen. I couldn't talk to him, not yet. This was too quick. I wasn't ready. I didn't mentally prepare myself for his arrival. "Oh hey," I shouted back to him, looking over my shoulder. He was standing in the doorway watching me. "I was doing your laundry, but there's a fine line when it comes to underwear that doesn't belong to you or I, so I'm just going to leave it on the floor. You can decide if you want to wash it or not." I turned back around and headed toward the stairs.

"I'm sick of this Niko, whatever this is."

I stopped on the first step and turned around to look at him. "What?"

"All of a sudden you find out I'm sleeping with girls, and you get all psychotic on me."

"I'm not. There's just something about dirty underwear that belongs to a girl I don't know, that I don't want anything to do with."

"No, there's more to it than that. Why don't you just open up to me? How come we're drifting apart so bad?"

Because you fucking kissed me! And now I'm in love with you!! I pinched my eyes shut and scratched the bridge of my nose. "I don't know Brooks. We've never lived together, maybe this just isn't working out."

"No Niko. You need to be straight with me, and you need to be straight with me right now. I feel like you're going in circles. This isn't you, and you can't blame it on your housing. Is it me? Is it Mike? What is it?"

I took a deep breath and looked down at my feet. "It's me."

"How? Why?"

"Everyone has something special about them. They all have a calling. You have this amazing personality, and you're talented at hockey. Mike, likewise with hockey, and he has this sweet core inside of him. What . . . what do I have?" I bite my lip as the words left my mouth. I had no idea where any of this was coming from, but maybe this is what is bothering me so much. Maybe I just need to hear from Brooks that I’m worth more than just sex. Yet I immediately regret asking him, he’s perfect, of course he’s going to make me feel good about myself. Which is turn won’t help me get over him. Already before he’s even said a word, I’m cursing to myself for even talking.

"Niko," he whispered as he took a step toward me, and I shook my head and held out my hand to stop him. "You are a beautiful woman Veronica, never doubt that. We all have a purpose to be here right? I'm pretty damn sure I'm here to play hockey. We each have our own path, some find theirs later than others. I know what your path is, you're just not there yet."

"What Brooks? What is my path? What is my purpose on this planet? Why am I here?" Why do I keep pushing the subject? I’m burying myself a hole I know I won’t be able to climb out of later. I’m encouraging him to tell me wonderful things, so I can just fall deeper into love with him.

"You're here to be a mother. When the time comes and you fall in love and get married, you are going to be an amazing mother. Not all mothers are great, but you will be one. I know you will."

"A mother?" I choked out as my vision went blurry with tears. I wasn’t expecting him to say that.

"You do want kids right?" He laughed as he took slow, small steps toward me.

"Yeah, lots of them, you know that," I smiled shyly as he wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me in tight to him.

"Never doubt your being. Who knows, maybe Mike is that guy for you."

I sighed in relief. Brooks just pulled me out of my hole. He did it on his own without even realizing it. Brooks sees nothing in me more than just a friend. He sees Mike as a possible father of my children. He’s sees Mike before himself. That’s all I had to hear. I had to get over him, completely over him.

22: Leaving

When I woke up the next morning, the house was eerily quiet. I crawled out of bed and opened my door to peak down the hall at Brooks’ room. His door was open, so I tip toed my way down the hall and looked in, his bed was made, which meant he was already gone. Brooks always, always said bye to me before leaving. If I was sleeping, he would usually wake me up. Last night ruined us. This was the end. I had to get over this fascination of mine, get over this idea that I’m in love with the guy.

How was I going to do that living with him though? I had five days to figure it out. And I had to figure it out fast.



"What happened?" Dolly asked as she walked into the kitchen where I was baking up a storm.

"Nothing happened, why do you ask?"

"Something happened. Between Brooks and you. I can tell, don't lie to me."

I dropped the mixer in the icing I was making and wiped my hands down the front of my apron. "Okay, yes, something happened. But I don't want to talk about it, I have to try and figure out how to make it all go away."

"Did you sleep together?"

"Dolly! No! It's just . . . he kissed me."

"A kiss? That's it?"

"Well it was really romantic, and perfect, and I think I might be in love with him," I whispered the last few words, avoiding making eye contact with her. I picked the mixer back up and continued with the icing.

"You have to tell him!"

"Are you crazy?" I shouted with wide eyes.

"You have to. You'll regret it for the rest of your life if you don't."

"I said I think I might be in love with him, I don't know for sure!" The more we talked about it, the more my hands begin to sweat, and my heart jumped up and down. It was giving me anxiety just thinking about it.

"How can you not know? It's either you do or you don't." She made it sound so simple. Yet, I was a confused mess, I don't know if I am or not.

"I don't know. I really don't."

"Well I don't know how Brooks truly feels toward you, but I know one thing for sure. You two are perfect for one another."

I groaned to myself as I washed my hands and started on the icing again. That was the last thing I wanted to hear. "We're perfect for each other as far as perfection in a friendship can go. Realtionship-wise? Complete disaster."

"Whatever you say sweetheart. So what are you making?"

I looked around the kitchen at the disaster, relieved that the subject of conversation had changed. "A little bit of everything." I stated just as a sob slipped through my throat. I leaned against the island and slid down to the ground.

"Oh dear, you are in love with him," she whispered as she sat down next to me and wrapped her arm around my shoulders.

"I don't want to be. I never want to fall in love again."

"Why would you say such a thing?"

"I am so hung up on my ex, and I keep telling myself that I'm not. And I try to act like I'm not, but I am! It never bothered me with Mike, because I'm not in love with him, but with Brooks. I don't ever want to go through that again. Besides, I can't be in love with my best friend. Things don't work like that!"

"Okay, wait. One thing at a time. You're hung up on your ex?"

I nodded my head as I took a few deep breaths to steady my breathing. "He calls, and emails, and text messages. I try to not let it get to me, but it does every time. I got to a point where I could act like it doesn't bother me, and I actually had myself convinced it doesn't bother me, but it does. He's getting married in two months! That should be me getting married in two months!"

"Is that the only reason you're hung up on him? Because he's getting married and you're not?"

'He's getting married to someone other than me!"

"Oh dear." She stood up from the floor and I watched as she walked to our liquor cabinet. She pulled down a bottle of tequila, grabbed two shot glasses then joined me once again on the floor.

"How come every time Steve toys with my emotions the tequila comes out?"

"I have ulterior motives, now drink up!"




I pushed Dolly's hand out of my face as I crawled across the kitchen floor. "Where are you going?" She asked as I heard clinking of glass in the sink.

"Living room. I need a comfy seat if we're doing this," I announce as I continue my way into the living room. I crawled up on to the couch and the bottle of tequila was set down on the coffee table in front of me. "Why is it, that every time Steve comes up, I drink?"

"Because alcohol numbs the pain, and as long as you don't turn into an alcoholic, you're allowed to do it."

I nodded my head as I grabbed the bottle in front of me, taking a small swig from it. "So, spill everything. You can tell me everything, and I've come from years of experience, so the more you tell me the more I can help you."

"He hit me once," I blurted out immediately covering my mouth with my hand. Those words were never supposed to come out of my mouth. That memory was never supposed to cross my mind again.

"When and why?"

"I was twenty-four. We were at a family party, and Brooks and I were playing bartender. Steve was drinking a lot, because he was enjoying himself. I've never had a problem with him drinking before, but he started calling me names under his breath. Brooks couldn't hear him but I could. I don't know why he was doing it, he never called me names in front of his family before. So when we got back to the hotel, I asked him about it, and he went on a rampage. Him going off like that was something I was used to, so I just stand there, and try not to listen to the bad things he was saying. But then he. . .." I couldn't bring myself to describe what Steve did to me. I still wasn't sure why I was even talking about it. What did this have to do with anything? Dolly's hand rubbed up and down my back, calming me down with her maternal presence."He punched me in the side of my stomach, breaking two ribs."

"Why did you stay with him?"

"Because I was in love with him! When you're in love with someone you stay with them, through good times and in bad." I grabbed the tequila bottle and took another short swig. I rested my head back against the couch and immediately began to retract the memory. It was out there now, someone other than myself knew, and I wasn't too sure how I felt about that.

"Even if you love someone though, you have to know what's right for you, and there was no way that was right for you."

"I know, it was the one and only time it happened, and he apologized, but I know that doesn't count for anything. He had me brainwashed though."

"So because of him, you never want to love again?"

I took another swig while shaking my head. "It's not that I never want to love again . . . okay maybe it is. But it's more like, I don't know if I'll ever be able to fully love someone again. Like I can fall in love, but not give them the love that they would deserve. Does that make sense?"

"It does. You know Brooks deserves the world, and you feel like you can't give him that. So you're building up these walls to protect yourself from him."

“Exactly!”

“You really want to live the rest of your life wondering ‘what if’ though?”

“I hate that question, ‘what if?’. That’s all I’ve been asking myself when it comes to him. Months ago when we first moved here, I had this thing for him and that’s all I asked myself. I got over it though, and I’m determined to get over it this time as well.”

“Well you keep trying my dear; shall we have some of those cupcakes now?”

I nodded my head and got up from the couch and followed her into the kitchen, tequila bottle in hand.



Once Dolly was long gone, I continued to sit in the kitchen and pick at certain cupcakes. I had so many things rolling around in my head, that I did the one thing I did the best, pushed them to the back and focus at the matter on hand. Did I want vanilla frosting or chocolate frosting on my chocolate cupcake? If only men were as simple and easy as cupcakes.

A loud ringing nearly sent me flying from the countertop. Once I realized it was the house phone I slowed my breathing and reached across the counter to grab it. “Hello?”

“How come you’re not answering your cell phone.”

“Oh hi Brooks, nice to know you’re alive, considering you just disappeared on me this morning. Didn’t even tell me bye.”

“Are you drunk?”

“Maybe!”

“Why are you drinking?”

“Maybe because my best friend kissed me last night, then left this morning without a word, and Dolly walked in on me in hysterics and she pulled the tequila out and made me talk about everything!”

“Talk about everything? Talk about what?”

“STEVE!”

“Oh! Oh . . ..”

“What, did you think I was telling her about our kiss last night?”

“Well, yeah, I mean-“

“I told her, and then somehow I brought Steve up. About how I will never be able to love someone the way they deserved to be loved again. Understand Brooks? I’ll never love you the way I want to, and trust me, I want to.” After I realized that I might have, accidentally told Brooks I loved him, I hung up the phone.

“What?!” I jumped down from the counter and walked over to the phone mount, and pulled the cord out of the wall. That was stupid. That was beyond stupid. Why would I ever say such a thing to him? I had to get over this, not shout at him that I’m in love with him! I had to get out of DC. That’s my only option. I have to leave.