18: Transition Into The Present

“Mike! MIKE! Stop!” I ran out of the room following him. It was probably best for him to walk out anyways, because if I wasn’t chasing after him I’d be beating the shit out of his teammate, Eric. I ran outside, only a few yards away from Mike as he made his way to his car. “Would you stop acting like an immature little asshole and talk to me!?”

“An immature asshole? I’m the immature asshole? At least I’m not living with some chick screwing her while I’m dating you! And you call me the asshole? Where the hell do you get off?”

“I’m not screwing Brooks! I don’t want to screw Brooks! For fuck sakes Mike I haven’t even kissed him before! Why the fuck would I want to sleep with him?”

“It’s going to happen, you say you don’t want to, but it will. Unless you’re trying to cover up your lies and you already have. Fuck Veronica, I just can’t be with you with this impression in my head that you guys are supposed to be together.”

“Okay first off Mike, Brooks and I aren’t together, never will be. Second off, we’re not even together. No labels, remember? I’m not ready to fall into another relationship. I’m not ready to fall in love again. I don’t think I ever want to fall in love again.”

“Well then why the fuck are you dragging me along?!” I walked around a black Mercedes that was separating up and stood right in front of him, pressing my finger into his chest.

“You knew from the get-go that what we have isn’t, and wasn’t going to be, serious. You know what I’ve been through, you were there. Did you honestly think I would be ready so soon to start a relationship?”

“Yes I did! Because honestly Veronica, I didn’t think you were that stupid to still dwell over that asshole! I like you, and with every day that we were apart all I could think about was you! The more time I spent away from you the more I missed you and the more I imagined how you might just be the girl that I fall in love with. Fucking hell!” At this point his hand was on his forehead as he began to pace in the short distance between the two cars we were standing in between. “I went to bed early every fucking night just hoping that I would dream of you. I had dreams of introducing you to my family; I had dreams of your body, of your smile, your hair. I even had dreams about you moving in with me! So I need to know, I need to know right now, if I just need to walk away, or if you are going to be in this like I want you to be.”

I was taken aback by his words so much that after I hadn’t said anything for a few moments he stopped pacing and looked at me. “You had dreams about me?”

“Yes, why can’t you see what an amazing girl you are? I honestly think that everyone has a counterpart. Two puzzle pieces that just mold together, flaws and all. I have a lot of flaws, and you have a lot of flaws, but you know what? We even each other out. I know I’m young, but I’ve never felt so strongly toward someone before as I have with you, and it’s fucking killing me that you’re still stuck in the past. Because of one shithead that was lucky enough to have you, he had to go and fuck it up for the rest of us?”

I let out an involuntary sob and held my face in my hands as I cried. Steve really did do a number on me, and I truly didn’t know how to get over it. I felt two arms wrap around me as Mike whispered in my ear that he was sorry. I pulled away from his shoulder and wiped my eyes.

“You shouldn’t be sorry; I’m the one that’s sorry. I’m sorry for everything Mike. For being so difficult, and being so blind. I just, I’m scared. You have to understand that he was my everything for four years, and he is all I know when it comes to relationships. I don’t know any other way.”

“What about Brooks?”

“What about him? He’s been my best friend since the turn of the Stone Age and he’ll be my best friend until I go to my grave. So when you get me, you get him too, and trust me, there’s nothing between us.”

“So what do you say?”

“I say let’s give us a shot.” He brought his hand up and wiped away my remaining tears before kissing me gently on the lips. Was I ready for this? I guess the only way to find out was to just jump in feet first.

“So, let’s take this slow then, eh? We’ll go to dinner, on say Wednesday night?”

“Sounds good to me,” I smiled up at him and he nodded his head, grabbing hold of my hand and dragged me back into the house.

When we walked into the house, the whole living room went silent and I noticed Brooks was missing. I released Mike’s hand and headed into the kitchen where I found him leaning up against the counter, his arms folded over his chest and his head hanging low. “Hey,” I whispered as I walked in further and leaned against the island directly across from him.

“Hey,” he grumbled lifting his head up to look at me.

“So I bet this isn’t exactly the way you wanted me to meet your teammates, but you’re at fault for that.”

“I know, I’m sorry. I should have told you Eric was down here, but I just wanted to get you back for that one time I walked in on a bunch of girls in just my tighty whities. You’re lucky I gave you my shirt.”

“Wow Brooks, that was like seven years ago!” I laughed and a slight smile spread on his face. As fast as it appeared though, it was gone. “Something’s bothering you, what’s wrong?”

“I’m just not feeling that great, sorry. But hey, the pizza was a hit, I saved you some.” He twisted his upper body and grabbed a plate off the counter and handed it to me.

“Thanks,” I smiled as I picked up a piece and took a bite. For some reason, whenever I cook the food looks amazing, but it just doesn’t taste that great. I placed the slice back down on the plate and set it on the counter behind me.

“So everything okay between you and Mike? It sounded pretty nasty.”

“You heard all of that?”

“Just the immature asshole thing,” he mumbled dropping his head one more time.

“Yeah, I was kind of harsh. We’re okay now though. I think, well I hope. We have a date on Wednesday.”

“Oh great, do I need to give him the ‘talk’ then?”

I shook my head and rolled my eyes before walking out of the kitchen and rejoining the guys in the living room. Eric gave me an apologetic smile, and I nodded in return. It was good enough for me; I knew I wouldn’t receive a verbal apology from him in front of his teammates. I’ve been around hockey players too long to know they just don’t do that.





I don’t understand. I’ve slept with him. I’ve done things with him I could have never imagined before. Why the hell was I so nervous about going out to dinner with him? Why did I feel like an eighteen-year-old girl again? Most of all, why did I feel like a virgin that was about to give up my apple? I inspected my body for a third time, just to make sure there was nothing embarrassing that could possibly ruin the mood. I have to stop reading Cosmo.

There was a light knock on my door and I swung it open quickly, but turned back to my closet. “What’s wrong with you?” Brooks asked laughing. I looked over my shoulder to see him leaning against the door frame, his eyes lurking down around my ass. I quickly snatched a pair of jeans and pulled them on over my underwear.

“Would you believe me if I told you I was nervous?”

“Nervous?! Seriously? Why?”

“I don’t know! It’s an actual date, Mike and I haven’t had a real date yet. We just kind of jumped into bed right away.”

“I don’t need to know that.”

“I wasn’t sharing any spicy details, chill out. I don’t know why I’m nervous. When was the last time I went out on a date?” I turned back to my closet and grabbed a black tank top, tossing that on over my head.

“Um, 2004.”

“Exactly! That’s why I’m nervous!” I pulled out a white cardigan with black trim and tossed that on over my tank top. I pulled on some black riding boots, and figured that was good enough for a first date with a guy I’ve already been sleeping with.

“You look cute.”

“Thanks Brooks, you look cute yourself, I like the sheep on your PJ bottoms.”

“Oh shut up.” I laughed as he as I squeezed my way past him and into the bathroom. I checked my hair over to make sure I didn’t have any kinks and heard the doorbell ring downstairs. “Since when does Mike ring the door bell?” Brooks asked laughing as he headed down the stairs. I was quick on his heels, not wanting to miss out on Mike making fun of Brooks’ pajama pants. They really were kind of terrible. Brooks swung the door open and I froze in place on the last step of the stairs. I turned on my heel and began to trek back up the stairs. “Veronica!” I registered the voice in my head as Mike’s. I slowly turned around and sure enough, there were all three of them standing at the bottom of the stairs.

“Steve, what are you doing here?” I asked slowly, not moving from my spot.

“Well, I’m here on vacation, with Ashley. Look, can I talk to you?”

“I was actually just on my way out, Mike and I have reservations. Maybe another time,” I stated firmly as I headed back down the stairs and grabbed onto Mike’s hand dragging him out the front door with me. He squeezed my hand firmly as he held the passenger door open for me. By the time we were on the main road, my eyes finally registered and focused on my hands in my lap. Did that just happen? Was that really Steve I just saw?

“You okay babe?”

“Don’t call me babe.”

“I’m sorry, what?”

“I’m sorry Mike. It’s just he called me babe. It’s a long story, I just don’t like it.”

“Okay, I won’t call you that anymore. Now are you okay?”

“I think so, well I hope so. That all just happened so fast. Was he really there? My mind isn’t playing tricks on me is it?”

“No, he was there, and trust me, I wasn’t very happy to see him either.”

I shook my head and pulled my cell phone out of my purse, quickly sending a message to Brooks asking him if he knew Steve was in town.

Scouts honor I did not.

I took a deep breath through my nose and released it through my mouth before looking over at Mike. “You sure you’re okay? We don’t have to go out.”

“Do you think maybe we can just pick something up and take it back to your place? I’m sorry, it’s just, I don’t know how to react right now.”

“That’s perfectly fine. Just let me take him off your mind for you, okay?”

“I would love that.”

He stopped at his favorite Chinese restaurant and ordered pretty much the whole menu before we made our way back to his apartment. Upon arriving at his pad, I went straight for the kitchen and laid out all of the take out containers. I grabbed two plates and began dishing up food for each of us, while he was doing something in the living room. I carried the plates to the other room just as he flipped the switch for the fireplace. The coffee table was shoved up against the couch, and in front of the fireplace were a blanket and a ton of pillows. I smiled brightly at him as he took the plates from me and set them down on the coffee table.

After we were done eating, Mike piled up a bunch of pillows on the wall behind him and lean up against them, holding his arms out for me to crawl between his legs. I sat down between his thighs, and pressed my back against his chest. “Are you ready to talk?”

“About what?” I asked confused. I figured we had cleared everything up a few days prior in the driveway screaming at each other.

“About Steve, and what happened between you guys.”

“Mike, I-“

“No, I want to try and understand. I know I said I would help you forget about him, but I need to know how he got in your head, so I can try and get him out.”

I took a deep breath and rested the back on my head on his shoulder, I felt his lips graze my neck and I closed my eyes. “What do you want to know?”

“How did he propose?”

“The same way he did to Ashley, in front of his whole family.”

“Is that when things began to fall apart?”

“Yeah, once I became his possession, he treated me like one. Told me what to wear, how to do my hair, how long to keep my nails. Every little thing of my life, he controlled. He once tried telling me not to talk to Brooks. I like to call that one the fight of the century.”

“So you stuck up for yourself when it came to Brooks?”

“Of course, if it wasn’t for Brooks, Steve and I would have never met. It’s just this bond that we have, that no one understands, it’s just there. You thought it was bad having me call you an ‘immature asshole’, I called him far worse that day. But then of course, he pulled it around, and made me believe I would be nothing without Brooks. Which was true, he was all I had.”

“That can’t be true.”

“No, I’m pretty sure it was. In high school, the hockey boys were more popular than the football players, so when I became friends with Brooks, I lost all my other friends. I don’t know why, but they were very mean to me from then on. Then just life after that, sure I was dating Steve, and living with Steve, but Brooks was all I had. He was who I ran to when things got really bad with Steve. Then my family abandoned me in Seattle, I broke things off with Steve, and I was back where I started, just Brooks and me.”

“What do you mean when things got really bad with Steve?”

“He was very verbally abusive. If I didn’t curl my hair the right way I was lazy because I didn’t put forth enough effort. If my clothes weren’t in pristine condition he wouldn’t be seen out in public with me because it would embarrass him. Oh and God forbid if I had a zit, I’d be filthy and don’t care about myself, so why would I care about him?”

“You do know you’re none of those things right? And any guy would be damn proud to be seen with you in public?”

I felt myself blush and tear up at his words. I slowly nodded my head, trying to compose myself before I talked. “I know, by the time I left him I was so fed up with everything. I cut ten inches off my hair, dyed it black, went out and bought a pair of sweatpants and didn’t shower for three days. Three days! I felt like a hippie and I loved every minute of it.”

“So if you love the freedom so much, why do you still let him bother you?”

“Because every time I think I’m over him, he shows up. Every time I make a personal break through, I receive a text message, an email, or flowers. It’s frustrating. For some reason though, seeing him tonight, it didn’t affect me like it usually would have. I’m more frustrated than heartbroken. At the family reunion, watching him propose to Ashley, it felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest, it was terrible. I felt like I could have died from the pain. Yet tonight, I’m starting to think I’m finally getting over that hill that I need to get over when it comes to him.”

“I’m happy to hear that,” he whispered in my ear and I smiled as his grip around my waist tightened. As I sat, wrapped up in his arms, thousands of emotions were floating through me. Being here with Mike like this, was something I could get used to, but was it something I wanted to get used to?

17: Meeting The Team

I always wondered if it would hurt to take a frying pan to the nose. If Brooks wasn't careful, he was about to find out. "What do you mean the whole team?!"

"Well I want you to meet them, and I might have been bragging about your food. So it just kind of formed into that."

"So wait, how many guys are on your team?"

"Well not all of them are coming, maybe just twelve of us."

"Twelve!? You eat enough for a family of five, and you want me to cook for twelve of you!? You're out of your fucking mind! That's like cooking for... fuck, what's twelve times five?"

"Sixty."

"SIXTY OF YOU!! Wait, how'd you figure that out so fast?"

"Math, it was my strong point."

I groaned as I placed the frying pan back down on the stove. "I can't believe you. What am I supposed to cook for sixty people?"

"Twelve people, and I don't know. Make your pizza, that would be a big hit."

"That would be like thirty pizzas!" I spun around and rested my hands on the edge of the counter and hung my head. There were too many numbers floating around in my head, and the only one that was sticking out was the number 'sixty'.

"Calm down Niko, it won't be so bad. I'll help you."

"You'll help me cook? For sixty growing boys?"

"I can so make a dirty, unnecessary comment right now about that, but I don't think you're in the mood for crude humor."

"Get out of the kitchen."

"So you'll do it?" I turned back around and looked into his eyes, his bottom lip forced out as far as it could go.

"I'll do it. But you owe me."

"Whiskey?"

"Johnnie Walker."

"Blue Label?"

"Nothing less."

"Done." I walked up to him and pushed him on the chest to get him out of my kitchen. I had less than twenty-four hours to mentally prepare myself to cook for twelve men. Twelve hockey players. What the hell was he thinking?






The guys were set to arrive any minute, and I looked like an insane asylum escapee running around the kitchen. My hair was flipped every which way, the only down side of having short hair. I was almost positive I had a zit forming on my chin, and on top of that I was about eighty-six percent sure I had lost my mind. "Do you need any he-"

"GET OUT!" I tossed the last pizza in the oven and ran past Brooks upstairs to grab a quick shower. I stunk on top of everything too. How nice would that be? To be known as the chick that smells of feminine hygiene products and pizza sauce? Good lord, I'm getting old.

I never knew it was possible to brush your teeth and blow dry your hair at the same time, but somehow, I managed. Once my hair was manageable and my teeth squeaky clean, I ran out of the bathroom and straight into my room to get dressed. I looked in my closet confused. What was I supposed to wear? This would be the first time I would meet his NHL teammates, I had to look somewhat decent. "BROOKS!" I screamed out my door, frightening him as he was only walking down the hall a few feet away.

"What?! Woah, where are your clothes?" I watched as his face turn a few different shades of red as he looked over my new set of matching lingerie.

"That's the problem! Help me! Fuck, no wait! The pizza!" I ran out of my room and made my way to the stairs, but Brooks caught my wrist first. He pulled his T-shirt off and handed it to me. I felt myself blush as I pulled it on over my head and proceeded down the stairs.

As I bent over to pull the pizza out, I heard a low whistle from behind me. I looked over my shoulder and jumped up, dropping the pizza back on the oven tray. "You must be Veronica?"

I turned around to face him and pulled on the bottom of Brooks' shirt to cover my thighs. "And you are?"

"Eric Fehr, I play with Brooks."

"That's nice, um, can you maybe help me and just pull this pizza out and place it on that stone right over there, while I run upstairs real quick? Okay thanks, bye." I continued to tug on the shirt as I ran back up stairs and found Brooks laying out an outfit for me on the bed. I began to pound on his back with my fists.

"YOU SON OF A BITCH!!" I heard him chuckle as he turned around and grabbed my wrists, he held both of them in one hand as he reached down and grabbed the bottom of his shirt. "I'm going to need this back before I head downstairs."

I froze. He released my wrists and pulled his shirt up and over my head. I bit down on my bottom lip as I stood in front of him, now just in my underwear. I've been here before, except the last time it was in a fantasy. "You okay?" He asked before he pulled his shirt on.

"Um, yeah. Sorry, I think I've lost it. Now can you go make sure that teammate of yours that I didn't know was here took the pizza out?"

"You're lucky I gave you my shirt, I could have sent you in just your underwear." I pushed him toward the door and he continued to laugh. "I, uh, like the underwear by the way. You look good in lace."

My eyes grew wide as I watched him walk out and shut the door behind him. I looked down at my underwear, noticing for the first time that they were pretty much see-through. Right then I was convinced today was the death of me. I turned around and looked at the clothes he laid out for me. Jeans and a yellow v-neck T-shirt. Simple and easy, just the way I liked it.

By the time I made it back downstairs the living room was full of large men. Brooks walked up to me and wrapped his arm around my shoulders, handing me my payment for the day. A bottle of Johnnie Walker Blue Label Whiskey. I brought my eyes up from the bottle and they immediately fell on Mike, he was grinning at me and I could feel my day turning to the upside. I smiled back at him before Brooks whisked me away to meet his teammates.



"There's no way I'll remember everyones name I hope you know."

"I wasn't expecting you too," he laughed as we approached Alexander Ovechkin. When Ovie turned around I verbally gasped and turned beat red. "Alex, this is Veronica. Veronica this is Ovie."

"It's nice to meet you," he greeted me holding his hand out for me to shake. I took his hand in mine, trying desperately to stop starring. It was like a car wreck, I just couldn't look away.

"Ni-nice to meet you too." I was trying my damn hardest to not word vomit. Brooks could sense my sudden loss of brain cells and dragged me away.

"What was that about?" He laughed as we wandered into the kitchen.

"So I knew he was ugly, but oh. My. God. His nose has a bigger curve than a damn boomerang! Are you serious!? That, THAT, is the face of the Washington Capitals?! Oh lord, babe, I'm sorry."

Once Brooks had stopped laughing, we brought the pizza into the living room and everyone dug in. I snuggled in next to Mike on the couch, happy to finally relax and be in his arms. I leaned my face up to his and kissed him gently on the lips. Maybe today wouldn't be the death of me afterall.

"So wait a second," Eric announced pointing his finger at me. "Are you with Brooks or Mike, because it looked like you were with Brooks earlier?"

"What?" Mike snapped out with a chuckle. I felt my ears burning and starred at Eric, trying to mentally scream at him.

"Well when I got here she was in panties and Brooks' T-shirt, I just assumed. Obviously wrong."

I felt Mike stiffen next to me, and then his arm around my shoulders lift away. I looked over at him to see what he was doing, but it was too late, he was already standing up and walking away.

16: Not Ready

Lying on the bed in the doctor’s office, I allowed Brooks and the doctor to discuss my well being. I was too out of it to converse with them. “Well it’s definitely the flu, she just needs to rest and drink lots of fluids.” I rolled my eyes at the doctor stating the obvious. I would have rolled my eyes a second time at Brooks for bringing me here, but I couldn’t find the strength.

“Are you sure it’s not the swine flu? Can we check for it?” I sat up on the bed and looked at Brooks annoyed. He wasn’t serious.

“No, I don’t believe her symptoms are severe enough to consider H1N1. If she doesn’t get any better within the next few days, I would bring her back in though.” I took this as my sign that my time with the doctor was over so I jumped down from the bed. “Well Veronica, you have a great boyfriend here-“

“Oh, I’m not her boyfriend,” Brooks cut in with a slight chuckle. His words caused something I thought I would never feel from Brooks before and that was heartbreak. He said it so easily, and with a laugh, like a relationship with me would be a joke. That’s when I knew I had to put this whole thing I was feeling for Brooks to rest. It was just a fantasy, one I needed to get over quickly.

“Well either way, you’re doing everything right. So, just rest and lots of fluids. I hope you feel better soon.”

I smiled weakly at the doctor and followed Brooks out of the room. He wrapped his arm around my shoulders, and pulled me tight to him as we walked out. I wanted to push him away, far away, but just thinking about physically forcing him away made my body ache.

Back at the house, he forced me to just relax on the couch and to not worry about anything. He really emphasized on anything, it was like he could read my mind. But I don’t want him to do that, because then he could see the current dilemma in my head about him. How I wanted him . . .? Suddenly thinking about him in a sexual way grossed me out. I hated being sick.

I saw my phone illuminate and then begin to vibrate on the coffee table in front of me and contemplated ignoring it, but at the last second I bent over and grabbed it. “Hello?”

“Hey, how are you? I texted you this morning but didn’t get anything back, everything okay?” I smiled at Mike’s concern.

“Yeah, sorry, Brooks took me to the doctor. He’s paranoid about this swine flu thing; well it’s not swine flu, just the flu.”

“Well I hope you start feeling better soon. I hate that you’re sick and I’m not there.”

I suddenly wanted to start talking about us. I wanted to go back on my word, make this thing with Mike serious. My biological clock was obviously screaming at me with this sickness. Twenty-six years old with only two guys on my radar. Mike and Brooks. My body was screaming at me to have a relationship with Mike, but did I want that for the right reasons? Or because I couldn’t have one with Brooks? My mind was spinning, and I couldn’t get it to stop. “I hope so too,” I mumbled as Brooks joined me on the couch and looked at me curiously. “Well Mike, I think I’m going to take a nap. I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

“Alright babe, feel better.” I snapped my phone shut and tossed it back onto the coffee table.

“Everything okay?” Brooks asked as he wrapped his arm around my shoulders once again. I pulled away from him and got up from the couch.

“I just don’t like being called babe, you know that. I’m gonna head to bed.” I wasn’t tired, sure I was drowsy, and I was plenty comfortable on the couch. That was until Brooks draped his arm over my shoulders, and my mind went on overdrive. I wanted to be near him, I wanted to touch him. Yet at the same time, I couldn’t stand to be in the same room as him. It was going to make my mind explode.

I walked into my room and collapsed on my bed. I wanted a clear mind. I didn’t want thoughts of Brooks or Mike or even the flu. I just wanted to stare up at my ceiling and be at peace.

I grabbed my iPod off my nightstand and shoved the earphones in my ears. Music and cold medicine, that's exactly what I needed to clear my head. At least for now. I strolled through my playlists, well the two I had. Mike and Brooks, the playlists they had created for me. That didn't do me any good, so I went back through the artists, suddenly wanting to listen to something that would make me cry. To just purge all of the emotions I had pent up inside. I needed girl music. When the tune filled my ears I looked down at my iPod, Chicago. CHICAGO?! “Oh, you’re fucking kidding me,” I grumbled to myself as I was half tempted to change the song, but my fingers went to it for a reason, so I allowed myself to get lost in the words.

You know our love was meant to be
The kind of love that lasts forever
And I want you here with me
From tonight until the end of time

I groaned as I picked my iPod back up and searched for a new song, one that wouldn’t remind me of the man a few yards away from me. My fingers floated to the next song, and I rested my head against the pillows and closed my eyes.

I am ready for love why are you hiding from me?
I’d quickly give my freedom to be held in your captivity
I am ready for love all of the joy and pain
And all the time that it takes just to stay in your good grace
Lately I’ve been thinking maybe you’re not ready for me
Maybe you think I need to learn maturity
They say watch what you ask for cause you might receive
But if you ask me tomorrow I’ll say the same thing
I am ready for love would you please lend me your ears
I promise I won’t complain I just need you to acknowledge I am here
If you give me half a chance I will prove this to you
I will be patient, kind, faithful and true
To a man who loves music a man who loves art
Respects the spirit world and thinks with his heart
I am ready for love if you’ll take me in your hands
I will learn what you teach and do the best I can
I am ready for love here with an offering arm
My voice, my eyes, my soul, my mind
Tell me what is enough to prove I am ready for love
I am ready

“I’m not ready!” I cried out as hot tears rolled down my cheeks and into my ears. I picked up my iPod and placed the India Arie song on repeat. “I don’t know what the fuck I want.” I felt my bed dip down and I shook my head, trying to convince myself I was imagining it. I felt my left earphone come out of my ear, and then the tears on that side of my face were wiped away.

“Why are you crying Niko? What’s wrong?”

“Moving here was a mistake,” I blurted out as I finally opened my eyes and looked up at him hovering over me.

“Why do you say that?”

“It just was. I’m sorry Brooks. I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, you’re just not feeling good. Have you taken anything?”

I nodded my head, feeling my brain spin at a ridiculous speed. I didn’t know what I wanted. Why did I have to want something? Why couldn’t I just be content with nothing. Nothing. That’s what I had before I moved to DC. That’s what I want to go back to.





Around the beginning of September I was back to my healthy self, and kept myself occupied by experimenting in the kitchen. Brooks and our neighbor, Dolly, being my taste testers. Dolly, a very sweet and very kind seventy-year-old woman was my newest escape. Having the flu was just playing mind games on me, it was a psychological drug. Everything had stopped the morning I woke up in a pool of sweat. My fever gone, my body aches gone, my feelings toward Brooks more than friends . . . gone. It was like not only was the flu gone, but the weight on my shoulders and all the stress holding me down was gone. I was convinced it was just my body’s reaction to the flu, I blew everything up. I was, to say it lightly, out of my mind.

“What smells so good?” I heard Dolly yell from outside the kitchen window. I looked out and smiled at her, as I opened the side door for her to come in. She smiled brightly at me as she walked into the kitchen and took her usual seat at the breakfast bar, just on the other side of the stovetop where I had some crabs boiling. “So what are you making?” She asked as she tried to peak into the pot.

“Cioppino.”

“Chu-what?”

I laughed as she scrunched her face together. “Cioppino. It’s a seafood stew. I’m trying to remember my grandmother’s recipe as I go. I guess we’ll find out when we’re done.” I checked on the crab, and they were still at the bottom of the pot, so I knew I still had some more time before they were done.

“Where’s this handsome man of yours?”

“How many times have I told you, he’s not mine?” I laughed and glanced over at her just in time to see her roll her eyes. Not even someone stating we were together could bring back those feelings I was once feeling for him. It was all made up in my imagination. “He should be back any minute from the gym.”

“And when do I get to meet this Mike boy you talk so much about? I won’t believe anything you say about him until I see him shirtless!”

“Dolly!” I laughed as I turned back to the crabs, still not done.

“What? I’m a widow, I’m allowed to look!”

“Well everyone is due to be back in town at the end of next week. So, probably then.”

“Or probably now,” I spun around at the sound of his voice.

“What are you doing here!?” I shrieked as I ran into Mike’s arms. He lifted me up in his arms and I ripped his hat off so I could kiss him without it getting in the way. “Miss me much?” He mumbled against my lips and I heard both Brooks and Dolly clear their throats.

“I guess I did,” I laughed as he set me back down and I dragged him over to Dolly. “Dolly this is Mike, Mike this is our neighbor Dolly,” I introduced the two and Dolly’s eyes ran up and down his body. I tried to stifle a laugh, but it found its way through my lips anyways.

“A little soft.” Both Brooks and I began to laugh when the words left her mouth. A little soft, she has no idea.

“That’s what I like about him though,” I smiled as I patted my hand on his stomach. Scratch that, his rock hard abs. He obviously had been working out over the summer.

“What are you cooking?” Brooks asked as he poked at the crabs that were now floating at the surface, letting me know they were all cooked and ready to go.

“Cio-“

“A seafood stew,” Dolly interrupted me with a chuckle.

“Yes, seafood stew, and since the crabs are done, it should be ready shortly.”

Once I had the stew all mixed together and looking edible, I dished up three bowls and set them down on the breakfast bar. I took a step back and waited for their verdict. They looked back and forth between each other, almost as if they were scared to try it, but Brooks was the first one to dig in. Then Dolly took a spoon full, and Mike followed cautiously. I hadn’t told him about my kitchen experiment, and here he was being thrown head first into it.

“What the fuck?!” Brooks shouted after he took his first bite. Dolly glared at him for his language and I looked at him knowing what was coming next. It was terrible. Brooks knew to tell me if something sucked or not, after all he was paying me for the food he eats, so why make something he doesn’t like? “Where did you learn how to cook like this?” Instead of the sound of disgust in his voice, it was one of admiration. I brought my eyes up from my apron to meet his; a sly smile sprawled out on his face.

“What?”

“This, did you follow a recipe?”

“No, it’s all from memory,” I stated slowly as I continued to watch him eat it. Well he didn’t say if he liked it or not, but I continued to watch as all three of them devoured their bowls, Mike and Brooks looking for more. “Seriously? It was that good?” I asked shocked as I poured some for myself into a mug before refilling their bowls.

“I might have to steal you away,” Mike smiled before kissing the back of my neck gently before returning to his stool.

“Sweetie, you should think about making a cook book,” Dolly chimed in as she rinsed out her bowl. “Well Wheel of Fortune is about to come on, I’ll leave you kiddies alone. Bye Veronica.”

“Bye Dolly!” I smiled to her as I held the door open for her and she left. I turned back around and grinned at Mike who was still eating. “So, what? You couldn’t call to tell me you were coming today?”

“No, I wanted to surprise you, and the look on your face was worth it.” I grinned and actually felt myself blush. I looked around the kitchen to see Brooks had disappeared somewhere, his bowl, empty and in the sink. I shrugged my shoulders and began to work on the dishes until I felt his arms wrap around my waist.

“I’m not soft,” he groaned in my ear and I pressed my butt into his crotch to tease him.

“I know that,” I replied as I turned around in his arms and nipped at his bottom lip.

“I want you to be my girlfriend Veronica.” I pulled my mouth away from his neck and looked up into his eyes.

“Why?”

“Because I want you for myself. Call me selfish, I don’t care, but I don’t want to think about you with other guys.”

“Trust me, there are no other guys.”

“You live with one.”

“Brooks!? Are you serious?”

“Yes, I’m serious. He’s a great guy, you are an amazing woman. You guys have known each other for years. I don’t know exactly what I’m saying, maybe he’s a better fit for you than I am? I don’t know. But I just want you for myself, I don’t want you falling in love with anyone else. I want you falling in love with me.”

Fuck. Here I stood wanting to kick him out. After Steve, I would never fall in love again, simple as that. Life was so much easier when you didn’t have that to worry about. What was wrong with casual sex? Why did it have to be more? The more I wanted to kick him out the angrier I became with myself. I wasn’t going to kid myself, I wanted to get laid. It had been a few weeks, and with him wrapped up in my arms, I could smell sex radiating off of us. Yet he said the ‘L’ word. He went there. He sprung it on me unexpectedly. He didn’t say he was in love with me, he said he wanted me to fall in love with him. Who the hell says that? When I brought my eyes back up to his, sex overpowered love.

“Can we go back to your place?” I whispered as I leaned up and pressed my lips against his one more time. He nodded his head and pulled away from me to grab his keys. I looked around the kitchen and figured everything could wait until morning, and if Brooks wanted more to eat, it was there for him. I left him a note on our white board attached to the fridge and took Mike’s hand in mine as we made our way outside. I laughed to myself as we walked to his car in the driveway.

Fall in love? I’m not ready for love.

15: Time To Figure Things Out

His tongue brushed over the inside of my bottom lip and I inhaled sharply, wrapping my arms tighter around his neck. His lips fit perfectly against mine, like I always imagined they would. They were plump, warm, wet and very inviting. I ran my hand down his bare chest and grabbed onto the belt looped through his jeans. I pulled his body closer to mine, feeling him crush down on me ever harder. “I love you,” he mumbled against my lips and I felt myself smile. How long had I been waiting to hear him say those words to me in a non-friendly manner. I snagged at his bottom lip, intensifying the kiss.

The longer he kissed me, the faster my heart beat went. I could feel his own heart beating against my chest as well. I tossed my left leg around his waist, pulling him even tighter to me if that was even possible. Our heart beats together created a beautiful, rhythmic drumming song. One that we could dance to, one that only we could understand. It was our love song.

He pulled his mouth away from mine and looked into my hazy eyes. Goose bumps formed all over my body at the intensity of his stare. I was breathing heavy, inching my mouth closer up to his. I just wanted to bite into his sweet flesh. He met me half way in a hot, short, hungry kiss. One that two people would share after being away from one another for too long. One that two people would share when the sexual tension is so thick you would sink into it like the tar pits. “I love you too,” I mumbled back before running my hands back up his chest and to his short, buzzed hair.

I arched my chest into his, telepathically telling him that I wanted him, and I wanted him now. “Brooks,” I moaned against his lips, trying to make his hands move from my hips. I wanted them to roam my body, not stay stationary. “Niko?”

“Now, Brooks. Come on baby. I’ve waited too long.” I ran my hands back down his chest and grabbed onto his belt once again, this time unbuckling it.

“Niko.”

I shook my head. He’s a man, and I need a man right now. It’s an added bonus that it’s my best friend. The best friend I had suddenly formed a fascination with. The best friend I found myself falling in love with.

“NIKO!”

I jumped up from the couch and looked up to see Brooks standing over me, laughing. “You were moaning in your sleep. Was it good or bad?” I grabbed the blanket that was gathered around my waist and pulled it up over my head. “Come on Niko, don’t be shy. Was it good or bad? Should I try your cold medicine? Maybe have some dirty dreams of my own?” I wanted him to stop talking. If he only knew I was dreaming about him, he’d stop talking. “Niko,” he sung out as I felt him sit down behind my head. I pulled the blanket away from my face, but refused to look at him. “Nightmare?”

“Not exactly,” I whispered and felt another wave of nausea wash over me. I leaped from the couch and stumbled into the bathroom. Moments later my hair was swept away from my face, and a cold wash cloth rested on the back of my neck. “Why are you so perfect?” I blurted out reaching for the toilet paper to wipe my mouth clean. I stood up from leaning over the toilet and grabbed my toothbrush.

“I’m far from perfect,” he announced as he leaned back against the sink, watching me closely.

“What time is it?” I asked after I finished brushing my teeth.

“Just before nine.”

“PM?!” I shrieked.

“Yeah, it was good for you to sleep all day. They say rest is the best thing to do when you have the flu.”

“What did you eat?” I asked in fear.

“I made pasta, don’t worry. I do know how to cook some things. Well I made pasta for lunch, and then had the leftovers for dinner. Anyways, are you hungry, do you want anything?”

Just the thought of food made my stomach flip once again, and I quickly bent back over the toilet. “Why don’t you take some more medicine and go back to bed?” Brooks suggested after I brushed my teeth for a second time in ten minutes. I nodded my head and sat back down on the couch. He poured a dose of NyQuil and I took it like a shot. I felt my eyelids grow heavy with each passing minute, and I felt myself collapse on Brooks and allow sleep to consume my body.





I found comfort in bed when I woke up the following morning. I was surrounded by warmth and mounds of pillows. Yet I couldn’t move, my body was hurting so badly. I felt a tight squeeze around my body and then became aware of the warm breath on the back of my neck. I poked my eyes open and looked around the room. I was in Brooks’ room and those pillows behind me weren’t pillows at all. It was Brooks.

“Brooks, you’re going to get sick,” I stated as I slowly inched my way up and out of bed.

“No,” he groaned tightening his grip around me, pulling me back down on the bed. It was no use, if we slept side by side all night, he’s probably already sick. But then part of me just had to get out of bed. It was the burning sensation around my waist where his arm was that was screaming at me to get out. To get out now. We’ve slept in the same bed hundreds of times before, but only once has he snuggled up this close to me, and that was when we were both extremely drunk. I had to distance myself away from him. I had to do something before I pounced him. Pounce him?! Now I want to pounce him? Oh dear lord.

I lay in bed, stiff as a board. Brooks’ knees hit mine, causing them to bend, and he fit perfectly behind me. As if our bodies blended together perfectly. “Go back to sleep,” he murmured and his breath against my neck sent goose bumps all over my body. I pinched my eyes shut and began counting sheep. I had to get my mind off of the current situation I was in. How the hell . . .?

When I woke up again a few hours later, I was alone, thankfully. I was also feeling twenty times worst than I was the night before. I groaned as I rolled over onto my other side, away from the door and held the comforter close to my body. His bed felt like a cloud. I was surrounded by white fluffiness. “Good morning,” I heard him announce from behind me. The bed dipped down and the back of his hand quickly found my forehead. “I’m thinking maybe we should get you to the doctor. Make sure it’s not swine flu.”

“It’s not swine flu. It’s just the flu.”

“How do you know? When did you get your PhD? I didn’t receive a graduation announcement.”

“Okay smart ass. I don’t smell like bacon so I’m fine.”

“I’m calling the doctor. You should probably take a shower.”

“Do I smell?”

“No but I would think after having sex in your dreams last night that you might want to shower. I’m just saying.” I felt the bed lift back up and he walked out of the room. I rolled my eyes, but knew he was right. Well that I needed a shower; I knew it might help me feel a little bit better.

The hot water pouring over my head did nothing more than make me sway back and forth, trying my damn hardest to stay awake. It took every square inch of my body to find the energy to wash my hair. I stared the conditioner bottle down, dreading going through the process a second time. “Niko, you okay?” I heard Brooks’ voice fill the bathroom.

“No, but I will be.”

“Do you need help?”

“You think I’m stupid Brooks? You’ve been trying to see me naked for years now, and now you’re trying to take advantage because of my health?” I laughed suddenly finding my second wind.

“Hey, it was worth the shot, and you have to give me credit for it.”

“Yeah whatever, I’ll be out in a minute.” I heard the door click shut and let out the breath I didn’t know I was holding. Only a thin shower curtain separated us. Where the hell were these feelings coming from?

Back in my bedroom, I pulled on some sweatpants and a Capitals t-shirt. When you have the flu you’re allowed to wear whatever the hell you want, and I was taking full advantage of that. I slowly climbed down the stairs and saw my phone blinking green, alerting me of a message. I pulled my messages up and smiled when I saw it was from Mike.

Mike. Just thinking about him made me giggle.

Hey beautiful, how are you feeling?

“You ready?” Brooks asked joining me in the living room. I looked up at him and all of those previous thoughts were washed out of my mind. I had Mike. Young, vulnerable Mike. Well vulnerable might be a stretch. But, the inevitable big but, Mike couldn’t give me what I knew Brooks could. I know I told Mike I don’t want anything serious, and that was pretty spot on, but I wanted to know that sometime in the future I could have serious. You ready?

“No!” I cried out, confusion washed all over my body.

“Wh-what!?” He asked looking at me in fear.

“I’m not ready Brooks. I never will be.”

“For. The. Doc-tor?”

“Oh. Yeah, I’m sorry.” He gave me a questionable look but I just walked past him straight to the garage. I climbed into the passenger seat of his truck and waited patiently for him. He emerged from the house and I watched as he climbed into the driver’s seat. The sunlight from outside filling the garage as the garage door crawled open. As the light crawled up his face I knew I had to be ready. I had to be ready to figure my shit out. I had to figure out what the hell was going on in my heart.

14: Clarification and Confusion

After a week of amazing sex and neglecting my unpacking, I kissed Mike goodbye at the airport. “I’ll see you in a few weeks, okay?” I nodded my head before pressing my lips to his once again. “Don’t go falling in love on me,” he laughed as he turned to walk away from me. I didn’t want him to leave, but I also wanted to get my things unpacked. I knew there was no way I could focus on anything with him in my bed. He glanced over his shoulder and waved and I returned his gesture with a slight smile. I turned my back and climbed back into Brooks’ truck to head back home.

He sat in the driver’s seat and sighed deeply before pulling back out into traffic. “Was it that bad?” I asked laughing once he pulled onto the highway.

“Um, no, but I think we need to go over some house rules.”

“Rules?”

“Yeah, like no sex in the middle of the day when other people in the house can hear it. That was a little much for me, especially since you won’t have sex with me, I have to imagine it in my head, and when you’re yelling Mike’s name, it ruins the whole scenario in my head. So no sex where it can mentally disrupt me.”

I felt myself blush, and I ducked my head down. I knew we were nothing but quiet, but I didn’t know Brooks was listening in. “Um, yeah, okay. Sorry.”

“Hungry?”

“After that conversation, not really, but okay.”

We headed back toward his- our house and ended up at a diner a few blocks away. Now, all of a sudden with Mike gone, and it just being Brooks and I, my mind began to wander. Would this be the diner where-

“Are you coming?” He asked laughing snapping me out of my daydream. I nodded my head trying to hide my blush as I jumped out of his truck and followed him inside.

“You really are smitten. Where is the Niko that thought Mike was repulsive a few months ago?” Brooks asked after we sat down in a classic red vinyl booth. I grabbed a menu and held it up in front of me, ignoring his question. I didn’t know how to answer it. I didn’t even know. Yeah it was true I didn’t like Mike a whole lot to start out with, but I guess from the first time we kissed I was hooked. I wanted more. His hand came up and pushed my menu down onto the table. “Answer me Niko. Are you serious about him?”

“Serious?” I spat out before laughing nervously. “No, not serious.”

“Alright, I’m gonna have to go there. You’re my best friend, you have been for a long time. Mike is my best friend. He’s what I have during the long hockey season. I need you to look through my eyes right now. I asked him if he was serious about you. If he wanted a relationship with you. He does Niko. He wants a relationship. You don’t. Can you see this possible train wreck that is playing out in my mind?”

I sat there and thought about what this was like for Brooks. Yeah I can understand what he is trying to say, it could eventually be a very large train wreck. “I guess I need to talk to him then. I was worried because of the age difference, being nearly four years apart, which is huge in your twenties. I had a feeling that might affect what we were looking for. I will talk to him, okay?”

“About what though? What will you say?”

“I need him to know that this isn’t serious, and it may not ever be serious. I just want to have fun, and having a young guy in my bed is fun.” His face fell and he looked down at his fingers and began picking at his nails. I said something he didn’t like. He only does that when he hears something he doesn’t like. Fuck. “Brooks.” I got up from my seat and walked over to his, sliding in next to him. “I need you to be straight up with me right now. Are you okay with Mike and I being together?”

Before he could answer, our waitress arrived to take our order. He looked away from me and down at his menu, ordering the classic burger with a milk shake. I opted just for a fudge sundae. “Well?” I asked after she had left.

“I don’t really care who you are with, as long as he treats you right, and you’re happy. That’s all I care about.”

“I’ll talk to him,” I smiled at him, before kissing him on the cheek and sliding back over into my own seat.





My internal alarm clock woke me up just before 8 AM and I crawled out of bed, feeling my whole body shiver. It was unusually cold in the house and I grabbed my robe off the back of my door and pulled it around my body. I headed downstairs to start the coffee like I did every morning. I had fallen into this comfortable ritual of cooking all three meals for Brooks while searching for a job. Brooks didn’t do much other than eat, workout and sleep. I was skeptical at first about how we would work living together, but it’s been perfect so far. I pulled the coffee down from the cabinet to find an envelope with my name on it, taped to the bag. I pulled it off and ripped it open. Inside was a check, made out to me, for an amount that was unfathomable.

“Morning,” Brooks mumbled from behind me and reached for the coffee pot, stopping when he noticed it was empty.

“What is this?” I asked holding the check up in the air.

“Your first paycheck.”

“What?”

“Coffee first, please? Then we can discuss.” I nodded my head and placed the check down and started the coffee. While it was brewing, I pulled out the typical breakfast food and began cooking. Once the bacon was sizzling I turned back around to see Brooks pouring himself a mug of coffee. “Explain. Please.” He sat down at the breakfast bar and leaned back, almost studying me.

“I told you I needed a cook. That’s what you’ve been doing, and I want you to keep doing it. I know you need money, but how are you supposed to cook for me when you have a job? So done deal, you’re hired, insurance and all.”

“Just like that?”

“Just like that.”

I fought back the smile that was curling at the corners of my mouth. “No interview?”

“Oh yeah about that. Do you know how to cook?”

I began to laugh, “yes.”

“Then you’re hired,” he smiled and I turned back to the bacon.

“It’s too much money though Brooks.”

“I took into consideration three things. How good your food is, your availability to me, and how much you mean to me. So actually I think you’re being underpaid, cause that third one would clear out my bank account. Just take it, no questions asked, alright?”

I groaned but didn’t say anything else, I just finished breakfast. After twenty minutes or so, I felt myself shiver again and held my robe even closer to my body. “Why is it so cold in here?”

“It’s not cold in here, it’s like seventy. Are you getting sick?”

“I don’t feel sick, I’m just freezing.” He walked up to me, stopping inches in front of me. I inhaled and could smell his soap on his skin, so fresh and so tempting. He placed the back of his hand on my forehead for a few seconds before pulling it away and grabbing my hand. He dragged me into the living room and pushed me down on the couch. “Lay down. Get comfy, I’ll be right back.” I pinched my eyebrows together but did what he said. He came back with a thermometer and poked it between my lips. I placed it under my tongue and waited looking up at him standing over me. He grabbed a blanket off his recliner and placed it over me, before sitting down on the couch next to my head. He ran his hand through my hair and I wanted to smile, but I held it inside. After I heard the beep, Brooks pulled the thermometer out of my mouth and looked at it. “102.5. Looks like I get to play nurse,” he grinned down on me.

I groaned pulling the blanket up to under my chin. “I hate being sick.”

“I know you do, but don’t worry, you have me.” He leaned down and pressed his lips to my forehead, my hand involuntarily went up to his buzzed hair. He pulled his lips away from my forehead, but kept his head in place, looking into my eyes. I kept my hand on the back of his head, frozen in place. Where were these feelings coming from? When had they developed? Why was I daydreaming about him? All of these questions were going through my mind as I continued to look into his eyes, mere inches from me. He leaned back down and kissed me on my cheek, nearly the corner of my mouth. “Get some sleep.”





I rolled over on the couch slowly. Each movement I made my body would scream at me to stop moving. I had managed to sleep the whole day and night on the couch, against Brooks’ protest to get me to bed. I wanted to stay in the living room just in case he needed something, I would be close by. I reached out to the coffee table and grabbed my cell phone. I had been awake for a hour or so, and so many things were going through my head, I knew I needed to call him.

The phone rang a few times, and just when I thought it was going to voicemail he answered. “Hey baby.”

“Hey Mike, what are you up to?”

“Just got back from the gym, you okay? You sound sick.”

“Yeah, I have the flu or something. Look, do you have a minute to talk?”

“Yeah, what’s on your mind babe?” I almost blurted out for him to stop calling me babe, but I just didn’t have the energy to snap at him. Not like I usually do.

“We need to talk about us. I just want to make sure we’re on the same page.”

“Okay. Well I know you just want to date, no titles, no responsibilities, just date. I am perfectly okay with that.”

I felt relieved, but then Brooks’ words popped back into my mind. “Are you sure you are okay with that? Because I don’t want this to turn into a big mess in a few weeks, or a few months.”

“Whatever you want, I’m perfectly okay with.”

“Okay good. I guess I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page, you know?”

“I know. Why don’t you get some sleep? I need you healthy when I come back to town.” I could see his smirk through the phone and I felt my whole body instantly heat up.

“Okay. I’ll call you tomorrow. Bye Mike.”

“Bye Veronica.” After I hung up the phone and placed it back on the coffee table I sat up and looked over the back of the couch. Brooks was standing in the doorway, leaning against the wall. “Were you listening in on my conversation?”

“Of course I was,” he laughed as he walked into the living room and lifted my legs up off the couch, sitting down, and placing them over his lap. We held eye contact until I forced myself to look away. My body was doing that weird thing again. Even my calves were twitching from where they rested over his thighs. Those thighs. I pinched my eyes shut and shook my head, trying to shake the image of Brooks naked out of my eyes. “You okay?” He asked laughing, rubbing his hands up and down my legs. Why was he doing this to me?

“I just hate being sick.”