25: Dessert

"What did you just say?"

"I'm in love with you."

"You don't mean that."

"I do, and I have been for a long time. I've been waiting to tell you, and today . . . today is the day."

I shook my head and held my hands out in front of me. I don't love. I don't fall in love. I don't have people fall in love with me. This wasn't happening. I just came to terms with the title 'boyfriend' again for fuck sake's. Love? I guess for a milli-second earlier in the day I thought I'd be capable of love, but now hearing it come out of his mouth, I was wrong. “Not to walk out on you or anything, but I have to go to the bathroom.” I quickly rushed my way out of the kitchen and ran upstairs.

He loves me? Love? Was he serious? No, there was no way. Absolutely no way. I locked myself in the bathroom and splashed cold water onto my face. What I thought was going to be the best Christmas ever just took a left hand turn. A hard left hand turn.

Would I be able to lock myself away in the bathroom until tomorrow when they had a game? Come back out when I know the house will be empty? A light knock on the door brought my heart rate up and I looked at myself in the mirror trying to come up with excuses not to open the door. “Veronica, I’m gonna head out,” Mike announced. I hung my head and placed my hand on the handle, opening the door. “Game tomorrow, so I better get home.”

“Oh yeah, sure. Are you okay to drive?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine. Are you coming to the game tomorrow?”

“I’m not sure.”

“Well, you should. You haven’t come to a game yet.”

I nodded my head and he leaned forward kissing me gently before smiling and walked down the hall. I closed the bathroom door once again and sat on the edge of the tub. Why was this happening? I’m damaged goods, who would want to love that?

Sucking in a deep breath I finally stood up, knowing I couldn’t hide in the bathroom forever. I headed back downstairs and started cleaning up the living room. “Niko.”

“Not now Brooks.”

“Mike tells you he’s in love with you, and you run?”

I turn around and look at Brooks to see anger in his eyes. Why was he angry at me? None of this concerned him. “I didn’t run, I had to go to the bathroom.”

“Which was a lame ass excuse. I told you not to drag him along Niko. I told you not to do this to him.”

“I’m not dragging him along! He caught me off guard! I never thought I would hear those words again.”

“So you never thought you would hear them again, but it’s okay for you to say them?”

“What?” I knew what he was talking about, but I didn’t want to talk about that now. Now when Mike confessed his love for me. The last thing I wanted to talk about was how I told Brooks I might be in love with him. Or I was in love with him. Or I used to be in love with him. Hell, I didn’t even know anymore! I hate the damn word, and the whole meaning behind it. I wanted to delete it from my vocabulary.

“Nothing, nevermind. Why don’t you have a drink, calm down a bit, and I’ll bake cookies.”

“You’re going to bake cookies?”

“Well yeah, it’s easy to do when they’re already cut into squares. Just have to put them on the cookie sheet and bake. No foul cookies.”

“Alright, alright, fine. Just no fires. Okay?” He nodded his head then kissed me on the cheek. We both walked into the kitchen, him going for the fridge and me going for the tequila.



The smell of chocolate chip cookies filled the house and I got up from the couch and walked into the kitchen. Brooks stood over the stove, his head hanging, and a spatula in his hand. “What’s wrong?” I asked as I walked up next to him and looked at the delicious cookies on the pan. I went to pick one up but it was stuck. I grabbed the spatula from him and tried to use that. No good.

“No foul huh?” I laughed handing the spatula back to him.

“I forgot to spray the pan.”

“Yeah, I kinda figured that since the cookies are cemented down.” I grabbed a knife out of the drawer and began to stab the cookies, breaking them up, but at least getting them off the cookie sheet. I grabbed a piece and popped it in my mouth. “A little crispy, but good,” I smiled at him and he bumped me with his shoulder. I grabbed a few more pieces, poured myself another margarita and headed back into the living room. I curled up in the corner of the couch, my knees pressed to my chest as I turned on some Lifetime Christmas movie.

Brooks walked in a little while later and shut the TV off. “Hey, I was watching that!”

“We need to talk.” I felt my stomach drop at his words. He had this all planned out. He prompted me to drink so I would let my walls down a bit. He baked the cookies for me to form a soft spot for him. Sneaky bastard.

“About what?”

“What you said to me a few weeks ago. How you’ll never love me the way you want to.”

“Well I won’t, because we’re just friends.”

“Do you want to love me as more than just friends though? Do you ever wish it was me with you rather than Mike?”

“Brooks. Stop.”

“No, I just want to try and understand. You wouldn’t just say something like that just to say it. There has to be more behind it.” He took a few steps towards me, and sat down on the couch next to me. I pulled my knees even closer to my chest and watched as he pulled his left leg under his body, turning himself so he was facing me straight on.

“I don’t know what to tell you Brooks. I was confused back then. Then I figured things out. Now tonight, I’m confused all over again.”

“Do you love me?”

“As a friend, unconditionally.”

“When I kissed you, did you feel anything?”

“I don’t remember. You told me to forget about it remember? So I did.”

He nodded his head as he looked down at his sweatpants, picking at a loose thread. “I actually wanted you to remember. I always wondered what it would be like if we gave ourselves a chance.” He brought his head up quickly and grabbed on to both of my feet, pulling my knees away from my chest. He moved so quickly that I didn’t even have time to think before he crawled between my legs and rested his chest on top of mine. I felt myself begin to get lightheaded as I stopped breathing. His eyes bore into mine, his right hand running the length of my thigh, hooking in behind my knee.

“What are you doing Brooks?” I asked gasping for breath.

“Trying to find out if friendship is where our relationship ends.” He leaned forward and pressed his lips to mine, not even waiting to see how I would respond before he began to nibble and suck. He lifted my leg up from my knee, pressing his body further onto mine. I placed my hands on either side of his torso, squeezing tightly, gently feeling his ribs under his muscles. His left arm wrapped around me and he moved us down on the couch so I was laying down. I arched my chest to push into his, cursing that we were both dressed. Sure my mind was a little fuzzy from the alcohol, and I shouldn’t be enjoying what he was doing to me, but all I could think about what how blissful this was. The bliss overpowered the confusion. How could he go from being mad at me about Mike to making out with me on the couch? That didn't matter. Not now anyways. I'll yell at him later.

I kissed him back urgently, biting down on his bottom lip. He groaned against my mouth, forcing his tongue to slide along the edge of my own. The muscles between my legs tightened and I whimper as he moved his lips along my jaw line to that sweet spot beneath my ear. “Have you ever thought about me making love to you?” He grumbled, the vibration of his voice against my neck caused me to press more into him.

“Mm-hmm.”

“Will you let me make love to you tonight?”

Say no. Say no! “Yes.” It came out as a whisper, but his hand was already half way up my shirt.

“You fucking whore! You fucking asshole!” I jumped at the sound of Mike’s voice. Brooks jumping off of me and toward the other end of the couch. “I stood outside knocking because I forgot my phone, and for some bizarre reason I assumed you guys were sleeping. So like any human being, I try the door and it’s unlocked. Then I come in here to see my supposed best friend groping my girlfriend? How long as this been going on?” His voice drips with venom, and I slowly sit back up, taking my position once again in the corner of the couch with my knee pressed to my chest.

“Mike look, I’m sorry.”

“Shut the fuck up Brooks. Veronica, how long has this been going on?”

I don’t know what to say, so I don’t say anything at all. Which was probably the wrong decision to make. I should at least say something, anything, but I don’t know what.

“You can both go to hell.”

New Story

Yes, I'm crazy, I'm writing another story.

It's Craig Adams, and it was just posted.

Stay Within Your Lines

I'm gonna leave it at that...

24: Christmas Confessions

A persistent licking of my eyelid brought me out of my sleep and I groaned pushing away the disturbance. "Veronica," Mike whispered, just as a tongue darted into my ear.

"That's gross Mike, get off me," I groaned as I grabbed my comforter and pulled it up over my head.

"It's Christmas morning Veronica! Get up!"

I felt something crawling all over me, and then a small yelp. I froze in place. What the hell was that? I pulled the comforter down slowly from over my head, only to come face to face with a furry white and tan thing. "Merry Christmas," Mike cheered from the edge of my bed. I sat up and looked in my lap. A puppy. He got me a puppy?

"You got me a puppy?" I asked sounding like a five-year-old, overflowing with excitement.

"Took me a long time to convince Brooks to let a dog in this house, but yeah, I got you a puppy."

I picked the little fur ball up in my hands and looked it over, clearly a boy. "Why?"

"Why?" He chuckled and I looked up at him and nodded my head. "Well isn't that what guys do for their girls, get them puppies? Makes the girls all gooey with sap?"

I bursted out into laughter, but quickly covered my mouth with my free hand. I set the puppy down on the bed and crawled over to Mike, wrapping him up in a hug, pressing my lips to his. I pulled him down onto the bed with me and we played with the puppy. "What are you going to name him?" Mike asked as he held the little monster above his head with one hand.

"Murphy."

"Murphy? Really? That's a dorky name."

"Dorky, just like his daddy," I smiled over at Mike and he leaned over and kissed me, placing Murphy down between us. Things were right. This was right. Ever since Brooks got back from that five-day roadtrip, I was looking at Mike differently. I didn't want to look at him differently, but it just started happening that way. I started spending more time with him, outside of our twice a week sleep overs. We were turning into that relationship I dreaded so much. Mike was my boyfriend, and I was loving it.

"We better get downstairs, Brooks is trying to make breakfast." I groaned at the thought of him in the kitchen. I've been trying to teach him how to cook certain things, but there isn't a whole lot of space in that brain of his to soak in my teachings. Somehow he manages to convert everything to hockey. Flipping a pancake in his head is the same as 'chucking sauce' on the ice.

I knew that Brooks and I would be spending Christmas together, but I was shocked to find out that Mike would be spending the holidays with us as well. Their schedule just didn't allow the boys to fly home for the holidays. I crawled out of bed and wrapped my arms around Mike's shoulders. "Merry Christmas boyfriend," I smiled before kissing him gently.

"I'm sorry, did you just call me 'boyfriend'?" He grinned after he pulled away. I matched his smile and nodded my head. "I knew you'd come around," he laughed as he kissed me again.

Boyfriend. It's just a word. Just a title, but actually it's means a hell of a lot more than that. The definition of boyfriend is 'a male lover', but there's more to it than just that. Mike has been a male lover to me, now we were going to start bringing in the emotional stuff. He has been the whole time, but now it was my turn. It was time to grow up, and put effort into a relationship.

With Murphy tucked under my arm, Mike and I walked into the kitchen hand-in-hand. Brooks spun around, pancake batter all over his sweatshirt and his eyes immediately fluttered down to our conjoined hands. "I'm sorry, but I don't think I've ever seen you two hold hands before," he grinned as he waved the spatula around in the air.

"That's what boyfriends and girlfriend do though," Mike smiled as he squeezed my hand.

"Well, it's about damn time Niko. I'm happy for you. Anyways, what'd you name the rat?"

"He's not a rat, and his name is Murphy," I smiled as I let go of Mike's hand to pet the puppy. I pulled Murphy away from me and handed him to Mike before taking over the disaster in the kitchen.

"Egg nog?" Brooks asked as he walked to the front of the fridge, easily stepping away from the stove.

"Is it spiked?" Mike asked as he took a seat at the breakfast bar.

"Of course," Brooks chuckled and I looked up at the clock.

"It's 7:30 in the morning!" I shouted as I watched them pour themselves large glasses.

"It's Christmas Niko. We drink, eat, open presents, drink some more, pass out around noon, and then wake up in time to watch A Christmas Story before trying to find the only open Chinese restaurant for dinner." Brooks explained with an over exaggerated eye roll.

"Whatever, I don't drink anymore. My mouth gets me in trouble when I drink."

"Fair enough," Brooks laughed as him and Mike clinked glasses together.



We sat around the Christmas tree, separating gifts from our families. Brooks and Mike were giggling like little children rolling around on the ground playing with Murphy. "Okay, I'm going to start opening," I announced, but neither acknowledged me. I shrugged my shoulders and looked at the two presents in front of me. My mother was angry I wasn't coming home, so she didn't send me anything. I of course sent her the perfume I buy her every winter, I wasn't going to let this Christmas be a complete failure. Both presents were in shirt boxes, both equally wrapped with a lot of tape. The only difference, one was from Mike, the other from Brooks. I looked back over at the boys, playing keep away with Murphy with a tennis ball. I rolled my eyes and decided to just open the presents. They were both far from sobriety, so they wouldn't mind. I opened Brooks first, and as soon as I lifted the top, I recognized the smell. Inside laid one of his game worn jerseys. I should have known considering he gives me one every Christmas, but I couldn't help the smile that came over my face when I lifted it up and held it to my nose, inhaling deeply. There was something about the smell of hockey jerseys, most people called it foul, I loved it. It'd become the smell of home to me since I met Brooks.

After I set it aside, I picked up my gift from Mike and tore off the paper. I lifted the lid and looked up to see him watching me with a slick grin on his face. I lifted the tissue paper away and grinned upon seeing the black lace sitting inside. "You got yourself a gift," I laughed which caught Brooks' attention. I quickly placed the lid back on the box and he tilted his head.

"What'd Mikey get you?"

"Nothing. It's a box full of nothing. Why don't you guys open what I got you huh?" I suggested pushing the two small mounds of presents towards them. The both picked up a gift from me, identical gifts at that as well. I held back my giggled as Murphy climbed on my lap and they tore the paper off in excitement.

“A snuggie?” Mike asked with a contorted face.

“Better yet, Washington Capital snuggies,” Brooks laughed as he examined his.

“They’ll come in handy for your flights. You guys can stay warm and still cuddle.” I smiled to them. Brooks rolled his eyes again, but Mike smiled.

“Hear that Brooksie? She’s finally giving us the go ahead with our relationship. We don’t have to hide it from her anymore!”

“Oh shut up Mike, I’d rather save my body for someone worth it.”

I chuckled along with the boys, and enjoyed the rest of our morning together. Playing with Murphy, watching Brooks get excited over the new electric guitar I got him, and Mike sitting at the coffee table scribbling on blank pieces of paper. I had given him a coupon, good for one tattoo. My little family. Two drunk boys, the girl to keep them sane, and now a puppy. Life was finally good.

After a few more drinks, Brooks passed out on the couch, and I dragged Mike up to my bedroom with me. I had every intention of putting my gift from him to use. There was no way I was going to allow him to pass out. Not yet anyways. I pushed him down on my bed and headed across the hall into the bathroom to change. The lingerie he bought me was a little small, I felt like my breasts were shoved up to my chin they were squished together so bad. I grabbed the tag off the counter and looked at it. “34 B? What the hell does he think I am? A girl?” I readjusted my boobs one last time; the bra wasn’t going to stay on for long anyways. The lace underwear was snug as well. They sat low on my hips, extremely low. I felt like Britney Spears circa 1999. Should I bring the scissors with me so he can cut me out of them?

As I walked back across the hall, I could feel myself wet with anticipation. I pushed my door open, and he was sitting on the edge of my bed in just his boxers, a shit-eating grin on his face. “You look beautiful,” he whispered as I stepped between his legs, his hands roaming up my thighs to my lower back.

“Can we do things differently today?” I asked running my hand over his hair. He nodded as he grabbed my arm and kissed my wrist, right on my tattoo. “Nice and slow, I want you to be passionate with me. I want you to treat me like a delicate ornament. I want you to roam my body, make every square inch of me tingle.”

“You want me to make love to you?”

“I want you to make love to me.”

He lifted me up in his arms and rested me on my back on top of my bed. His mouth dragging along my stomach, through my cleavage till he was kissing my lips. I felt my nipples harden within the bra, and the tightness was almost unbearable, already, and we had just started. He ran his hands along my arms, intertwining his fingers with mine, pulling my hands above my head. His feet slid underneath my knees, out bodies completely entangled now.

We kissed slowly, enjoying the pulsation in my lips as he nibbled and sucked. I went to move my hands to the back of his, but he held me in place. His chest pushing down harder on top of mine. If I didn’t get this bra off soon, the idea of going slow was going to be thrown out the window. “Mike,” I whimpered as his lips moved to my neck, just below my ear.

“Hmm.” The vibration of his voice against my neck caused me to bite my lip and arch my back.

“Take my bra off.”

“No, I like it on you.”

“Take it off Mike.” The sternness and neediness in my voice caused him to pull one hand away and reach behind me. With a flick of his fingers, my bra was unclasped and the pressure around my nipples was released. He let go of my hands to allow me to take the bra off completely. As soon as it was off, my hands were back above my head and his mouth surrounded my left nipple. I moaned out as I tried to move my legs, but he kept them in place with his thighs. We were always so fast and hungry when it came to sex, going slow was surely going to kill me.

His tongue flicked at my right nipple, and I tried to move, anyway I could, but I was pinned. “Come on Mike.”

“No. I’m taking my time.” I could feel him grow hard against my pelvis, and I bucked up causing him to grown out and bite down on my breast. “This was your idea, you know.”

“And I regret it. I need you in me Mike.” One hand came down from my wrists, and ran alongside my body until he reached the top of my underwear. His hand flipped over and he shoved it into my underwear. The lace tightened around my ass, and his hand was pressing hard against me. He barely had any room to move his fingers. “Hot and wet, just the way I like you.”

I groaned and began to rock my hips the slightest bit. I needed movement, and there currently wasn’t any. One of his fingers slipped into me, then another and then a third. He rubbed slowly, but firmly over my clit as he bit his way down to my neck. The slight movements of my hips caused his hand to push my underwear down. The further they slipped down, the bigger the movements he made. Now I was determined, I had to get out of these panties.

He must have read my mind as he sat up and began to pull them down my legs, freeing my body to complete free me of them. I sat up and grabbed onto his boxers, pulling them down to his knees. I moved to the side and turned him, then pushed him down on his back. His erection laying flat on his tight belly. I finished pulling his boxers off, and then crawled over his legs, hovering myself above his penis. “You’re still on the pill right?” He asked and I nodded my head. His hands came up and groped my breasts. I reached below me and grabbed his penis, easing him inside of me. I sat up straight, feeling him stretch me to my limits. I lay down on top of him and kissed him on the lips as I began to rock forward. The feeling of him inside of me, as well as my clit rubbing against his skin was quickly causing me to lose brain cells.

My breasts pressed against his chest, moving up and down. It felt like taste buds covered my whole body, and I was loving what I was eating. I could say he was a wonderful piece of meat, but it wouldn’t do his body any justice. This was a top grade steak, covered in juices I wanted to lick up. His hands grabbed onto my ass and he sped up my movements. I knew I was breathing, I could feel air filling my lungs, but nothing was coming out. My clit felt swollen, the taste buds becoming even more sensitive to what it was eating. He wrapped his arms around my back and flipped us over. He did what he always did best, and that was take charge.

I always hated the missionary position, but there was something about the way he was holding me, and kissing me that made it different. He was making love to me, just like I had asked him. I wrapped my legs around his waist, pulling him closer to me. My insides were screaming, and my clit was craving for more. They always said there were two different types of orgasms. A clitoris orgasm where you scream out for God, and a vaginal orgasm where you see God. I didn’t know if I could wait to see God, but I was ready to scream for him.

He sped his pace, but kept his body close to mine. My toes clenched around the sheets and my fingernails scrapped over his shoulders as I screamed into the broad daylight. I needed to be saved. Oh God, I needed to be saved.

My eyes fluttered shut and our chests moved together to try and slow our racing heartbeats. He dug his head into the crook of my neck, and I ran my fingers through his hair, keeping him in place. “You’re beautiful Veronica. Absolutely beautiful.” I smiled and pulled his head back to kiss him.

“I’m going to go get some water, you want any?” He nodded his head against my cheek and rolled off of me. I got up from the bed and stood up, instantly feeling my thighs shake. I quickly threw on some sweats and slowly made my way downstairs. I stopped on the last step when I heard Brooks’ voice. I hung my head, I thought he was asleep.

“No mom, I know. I plan on telling her.” I brought my head at his words. He was planning on telling who what? “Well after she told me she loves me, as more than just friends, I got scared, and kept putting it off. I’ll talk to her today though, after Mike leaves.”

I felt my heart sink to my stomach, and my shaking legs screamed at me as I began to make my way back up stairs. But a yelp from a puppy caused me to stop. I turned back around and cleared my throat to let Brooks know I was present. I found Murphy jumping around Brooks and walked up to him, giving him a weak smile as I picked the puppy up. “Alright mom, I got to go. Merry Christmas. Love you.” I grabbed a bunch of old newspaper and set it up in he kitchen for Murphy to pee on. “Hey.” I looked over my shoulder to see Brooks standing there rubbing the back of his neck.

“Hey, um, sorry if we woke you up. I thought you were asleep.”

“No, you didn’t wake me up. My mom calling forty times woke me up,” he chuckled nervously. “So um, I’m going to order Chinese, then we’ll watch a movie, sound good?”

“Yeah, sounds perfect,” I announced before turning my attention back to Murphy in front of me.



I wanted to enjoy myself. This was the first Christmas where family members weren’t hounding me about my life. I truly wanted to enjoy myself, but all I could think about was the conversation Brooks and I were going to have once Mike left. Maybe I could convince Mike not to leave.

“Chinese, a movie, my best friend, my girlfriend, and a brand new snuggie. I’ll say this is the best Christmas ever,” Mike smiled at me as he ate his food. I smiled back at him before I continued to pick at my food.

Once the boys emptied all of the cartons, I stood up from the couch and took all of the plates and garbage into the kitchen. I took my time washing all of the dishes; I couldn’t go back into the living room until my brain slowed down a little. It was spinning with questions and I was dreading finding out the answers to them. I shut the water off and stood here, starring out the windows into the white abyss.

“I’m in love with you.”

Startled I spun around and held my breath. “What did you just say?”

“I’m in love with you.”

23: My Purpose

With two suitcases filled to the brim, I dragged them down the stairs behind me. I ran around the house frantically making sure all of the lights and appliances were off. Once I was back at the kitchen door, I grabbed my keys, my purse and dragged my suitcases once again with me outside.

"Veronica darling! What are you doing?"

"Leaving." I shouted over my shoulder as I walked down the pathway toward my car.

"Like hell you are!" Dolly shouted and I heard the gate separating our properties swing open. "You're not driving anywhere! You drank nearly half that bottle of tequila! Where do you think you are going?"

"The airport!" I shouted at her as she grabbed one of my bags and walked down the driveway and over to hers. As I watched her load my suitcase into her trunk, I quickly ran over to her with my other suitcase where it was placed beside the other one. I walked over to the passenger seat and climbed in. She started up the car and backed out.

"So are you going to tell me why I'm taking you to the airport? What happened after I left?"

"Brooks called. I think I told him I love him."

"So you're running?"

"Yeah. What else would I do?"

"No, I understand. Here, they won't let you on a plane drunk, drink some of this." She handed me a bottle and when I looked down at it, I realized that I wasn't just drunk, I was pretty much hammered. I couldn't even see what I was holding. I unscrewed the top and chugged the contents inside, which wasn't a whole lot of liquid. I couldn't even taste it.

"So I need the next f-fli-flight to . . . Phah-"



Why did it feel like every morning for a long time now, I wake up hung over? I rolled around in the white sheets surrounding me until I fell to the ground with a thud. I opened my eyes and looked around the room I was in. There was lace everywhere. I was in my parent's house already? How? What? I crawled up off the ground and looked around the room, squinting my eyes at framed photos. "I don't know these people." I looked out the window and saw snow falling. Wait. I looked back at the photos and sure enough, in one of the frames was a picture of Dolly and two small blond girls.

I stumbled my way to the door, with each step I took it no longer felt like I was hung over, it felt like I was still drunk. I swung the door open and the smell of bacon hit my nose. I held my stomach and calmed my senses before venturing into the kitchen. "Oh good morning sweetheart!" Dolly chirped from behind the stove.

"Did you drug me?"

"What?"

"Did you drug me? You drove me to the airport last night, and then I can't remember anything else."

"Oh no dear, I drove you around the block until you passed out, and then I had Hank across the street carry you into the bedroom."

"Why didn't you just take me to the airport?"

"I couldn't let you leave like that! You were hysterical! You're in love with your best friend! Plus on top of it you were drunk like a skunk. I won't let you make the same mistake I did."

"Okay wait, I have two questions. First, what did you have me drink last night?"

"A tiny bit of NyQuil."

"That's evil. Okay, so second question, what do you mean the same mistake you did?"

"Come on child, sit down. Do you want any coffee?"

I shook my head no, and took a seat at her kitchen table. She turned off the stove and pilled food on a plate and brought it over to the table. She placed a clean plate in front of me and sat down across the table, taking some food herself.

"I was in your situation when I was your age. Fell in love with my best friend, never told him, watched him fall in love and get married. They had two beautiful children. Then one day he told me he was in love with me and always had been." She paused, her eyes glassing over. I reached across the table and placed my hand over hers.

"What happened?" I asked knowing there was more to the story.

"He died three days later. He was going to divorce his wife, and he felt terrible for doing so. I felt terrible for him to do that, but he was determined we were supposed to be together. Then he got into a car accident and that's all it took. Veronica, anything can happen, that's how fast something you love can be taken away from you."

I felt tears well up in my eyes as I listened to her. I could hear the heartbreak in her voice.

"Veronica, you have to tell him."

"I'm scared," I whispered as her hand slipped out from under mine, and she placed it on top of mine. Now she was the one comforting me.

"Why are you scared? You've known him your whole adulthood."

"It will change things. He doesn't feel the same way about me. He kissed me cause we got caught up in the moment, and he told me to forget about it. To act like nothing happened. He has no idea what he does to me, whatever it is that this is. I just need to a few days to clear my head and get over him. For good."

"Well I can't force you to do anything, or smack you upside the head to realize those feelings will be reciprocated, but you're a grown woman. You'll make your own stupid mistakes."

"Thank you Dolly." I pushed myself away from the table and stood up. "Where are my suitcases?" I asked her after looking around the kitchen.

"Oh Hank put them in your house for you. You left the door unlocked." I groaned at my own stupidity. I thought I made sure everything was turned off and locked up. That just showed how far gone I had truly been the night before.



With Brooks gone, and twelve inches of new snow on the ground, I was left in the house with nothing but my thoughts. The thoughts I couldn't shut up. The pros and cons constantly running through my mind. There was no on and off switch. It was just me and my thoughts. I did everything to think of something else, something other than the disaster that would be Brooks and I, but I couldn't . . . I just couldn't think of anything else. It was haunting my well being, and my mind was obsessed with it.

I was trying to convert my thoughts from how amazing Brooks is to how wrong we would be together. I was failing miserably. That was until I started doing the laundry, and found the red lace thong in his hamper. Brooks is a playboy. He just isn't the marrying type. At least in my eyes, he isn't the marrying type. This just confirmed it. I sat down on the edge of his bed and looked at the underwear on the floor. He was no different than me. Why did this upset me so much? I wasn't in a committed emotional relationship but I was in a committed sexual relationship. All I was doing was going in this emotional circle, destroying myself. Mike started out as something fun, new and somewhat dangerous. Now all he was, was a distraction from Brooks. I could feel my heart drop to my stomach as I continued looking at the underwear. I was angry with myself, and full of jealousy. A deadly combination for my emotions.

I suddenly felt like I turned into Steve. I stooped down to his level. He didn't take our relationship seriously, making me feel like all I was good for was a lay. Now here I am, sleeping with Mike. That's all I'm good for after all, isn't it? Brooks and I are more alike that I first figured. I'm not the marrying type either. All I have to do is smile and spread my legs and I'll be okay. I'm just flesh and bones, there are no emotions attached. How did I become so damn good at hiding my emotions though? I'm struggling so bad on the inside, but people around me have no idea what's really going on. Well that's everybody minus Dolly, that woman can see straight through me.

A loud thud rang through the house from downstairs and I jumped from my spot on Brooks' bed. My heart rate immediately picked up as I heard clattering. I got up from the bed and cautiously made my way downstairs, looking for something, anything to grab to protect myself. I rounded the corner into the kitchen with a tennis racquet in hand and ran right into a broad chest. I immediately began screaming and swinging my arms frantically, but the racquet was ripped from my hands, and a strong arm wrapped around my waist.

"What the fuck are you doing?!" I stopped trying to run away and looked over my shoulder to see Brooks holding on to me.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" I asked back. He was on a road trip, for five days. Why was he here?

"It's Tuesday Niko, road trip is over. It's nice to see you too."

"It's Tuesday?" I was seriously confused. It felt like he had just left the day before. Had five days really gone by without my knowledge? His fingers dug into the fabric of my shirt, digging into my skin, and I quickly shoved his arm away and stepped away.

"Are you okay Niko? I sent you a text message saying what time I'd be home."

"Text message? No, I guess I'm just a bit out of it. I've been working a lot around the house."

"Have you slept at all? You have bags under your eyes."

Red lace flashed in my eyes again and I walked out of the kitchen. I couldn't talk to him, not yet. This was too quick. I wasn't ready. I didn't mentally prepare myself for his arrival. "Oh hey," I shouted back to him, looking over my shoulder. He was standing in the doorway watching me. "I was doing your laundry, but there's a fine line when it comes to underwear that doesn't belong to you or I, so I'm just going to leave it on the floor. You can decide if you want to wash it or not." I turned back around and headed toward the stairs.

"I'm sick of this Niko, whatever this is."

I stopped on the first step and turned around to look at him. "What?"

"All of a sudden you find out I'm sleeping with girls, and you get all psychotic on me."

"I'm not. There's just something about dirty underwear that belongs to a girl I don't know, that I don't want anything to do with."

"No, there's more to it than that. Why don't you just open up to me? How come we're drifting apart so bad?"

Because you fucking kissed me! And now I'm in love with you!! I pinched my eyes shut and scratched the bridge of my nose. "I don't know Brooks. We've never lived together, maybe this just isn't working out."

"No Niko. You need to be straight with me, and you need to be straight with me right now. I feel like you're going in circles. This isn't you, and you can't blame it on your housing. Is it me? Is it Mike? What is it?"

I took a deep breath and looked down at my feet. "It's me."

"How? Why?"

"Everyone has something special about them. They all have a calling. You have this amazing personality, and you're talented at hockey. Mike, likewise with hockey, and he has this sweet core inside of him. What . . . what do I have?" I bite my lip as the words left my mouth. I had no idea where any of this was coming from, but maybe this is what is bothering me so much. Maybe I just need to hear from Brooks that I’m worth more than just sex. Yet I immediately regret asking him, he’s perfect, of course he’s going to make me feel good about myself. Which is turn won’t help me get over him. Already before he’s even said a word, I’m cursing to myself for even talking.

"Niko," he whispered as he took a step toward me, and I shook my head and held out my hand to stop him. "You are a beautiful woman Veronica, never doubt that. We all have a purpose to be here right? I'm pretty damn sure I'm here to play hockey. We each have our own path, some find theirs later than others. I know what your path is, you're just not there yet."

"What Brooks? What is my path? What is my purpose on this planet? Why am I here?" Why do I keep pushing the subject? I’m burying myself a hole I know I won’t be able to climb out of later. I’m encouraging him to tell me wonderful things, so I can just fall deeper into love with him.

"You're here to be a mother. When the time comes and you fall in love and get married, you are going to be an amazing mother. Not all mothers are great, but you will be one. I know you will."

"A mother?" I choked out as my vision went blurry with tears. I wasn’t expecting him to say that.

"You do want kids right?" He laughed as he took slow, small steps toward me.

"Yeah, lots of them, you know that," I smiled shyly as he wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me in tight to him.

"Never doubt your being. Who knows, maybe Mike is that guy for you."

I sighed in relief. Brooks just pulled me out of my hole. He did it on his own without even realizing it. Brooks sees nothing in me more than just a friend. He sees Mike as a possible father of my children. He’s sees Mike before himself. That’s all I had to hear. I had to get over him, completely over him.

22: Leaving

When I woke up the next morning, the house was eerily quiet. I crawled out of bed and opened my door to peak down the hall at Brooks’ room. His door was open, so I tip toed my way down the hall and looked in, his bed was made, which meant he was already gone. Brooks always, always said bye to me before leaving. If I was sleeping, he would usually wake me up. Last night ruined us. This was the end. I had to get over this fascination of mine, get over this idea that I’m in love with the guy.

How was I going to do that living with him though? I had five days to figure it out. And I had to figure it out fast.



"What happened?" Dolly asked as she walked into the kitchen where I was baking up a storm.

"Nothing happened, why do you ask?"

"Something happened. Between Brooks and you. I can tell, don't lie to me."

I dropped the mixer in the icing I was making and wiped my hands down the front of my apron. "Okay, yes, something happened. But I don't want to talk about it, I have to try and figure out how to make it all go away."

"Did you sleep together?"

"Dolly! No! It's just . . . he kissed me."

"A kiss? That's it?"

"Well it was really romantic, and perfect, and I think I might be in love with him," I whispered the last few words, avoiding making eye contact with her. I picked the mixer back up and continued with the icing.

"You have to tell him!"

"Are you crazy?" I shouted with wide eyes.

"You have to. You'll regret it for the rest of your life if you don't."

"I said I think I might be in love with him, I don't know for sure!" The more we talked about it, the more my hands begin to sweat, and my heart jumped up and down. It was giving me anxiety just thinking about it.

"How can you not know? It's either you do or you don't." She made it sound so simple. Yet, I was a confused mess, I don't know if I am or not.

"I don't know. I really don't."

"Well I don't know how Brooks truly feels toward you, but I know one thing for sure. You two are perfect for one another."

I groaned to myself as I washed my hands and started on the icing again. That was the last thing I wanted to hear. "We're perfect for each other as far as perfection in a friendship can go. Realtionship-wise? Complete disaster."

"Whatever you say sweetheart. So what are you making?"

I looked around the kitchen at the disaster, relieved that the subject of conversation had changed. "A little bit of everything." I stated just as a sob slipped through my throat. I leaned against the island and slid down to the ground.

"Oh dear, you are in love with him," she whispered as she sat down next to me and wrapped her arm around my shoulders.

"I don't want to be. I never want to fall in love again."

"Why would you say such a thing?"

"I am so hung up on my ex, and I keep telling myself that I'm not. And I try to act like I'm not, but I am! It never bothered me with Mike, because I'm not in love with him, but with Brooks. I don't ever want to go through that again. Besides, I can't be in love with my best friend. Things don't work like that!"

"Okay, wait. One thing at a time. You're hung up on your ex?"

I nodded my head as I took a few deep breaths to steady my breathing. "He calls, and emails, and text messages. I try to not let it get to me, but it does every time. I got to a point where I could act like it doesn't bother me, and I actually had myself convinced it doesn't bother me, but it does. He's getting married in two months! That should be me getting married in two months!"

"Is that the only reason you're hung up on him? Because he's getting married and you're not?"

'He's getting married to someone other than me!"

"Oh dear." She stood up from the floor and I watched as she walked to our liquor cabinet. She pulled down a bottle of tequila, grabbed two shot glasses then joined me once again on the floor.

"How come every time Steve toys with my emotions the tequila comes out?"

"I have ulterior motives, now drink up!"




I pushed Dolly's hand out of my face as I crawled across the kitchen floor. "Where are you going?" She asked as I heard clinking of glass in the sink.

"Living room. I need a comfy seat if we're doing this," I announce as I continue my way into the living room. I crawled up on to the couch and the bottle of tequila was set down on the coffee table in front of me. "Why is it, that every time Steve comes up, I drink?"

"Because alcohol numbs the pain, and as long as you don't turn into an alcoholic, you're allowed to do it."

I nodded my head as I grabbed the bottle in front of me, taking a small swig from it. "So, spill everything. You can tell me everything, and I've come from years of experience, so the more you tell me the more I can help you."

"He hit me once," I blurted out immediately covering my mouth with my hand. Those words were never supposed to come out of my mouth. That memory was never supposed to cross my mind again.

"When and why?"

"I was twenty-four. We were at a family party, and Brooks and I were playing bartender. Steve was drinking a lot, because he was enjoying himself. I've never had a problem with him drinking before, but he started calling me names under his breath. Brooks couldn't hear him but I could. I don't know why he was doing it, he never called me names in front of his family before. So when we got back to the hotel, I asked him about it, and he went on a rampage. Him going off like that was something I was used to, so I just stand there, and try not to listen to the bad things he was saying. But then he. . .." I couldn't bring myself to describe what Steve did to me. I still wasn't sure why I was even talking about it. What did this have to do with anything? Dolly's hand rubbed up and down my back, calming me down with her maternal presence."He punched me in the side of my stomach, breaking two ribs."

"Why did you stay with him?"

"Because I was in love with him! When you're in love with someone you stay with them, through good times and in bad." I grabbed the tequila bottle and took another short swig. I rested my head back against the couch and immediately began to retract the memory. It was out there now, someone other than myself knew, and I wasn't too sure how I felt about that.

"Even if you love someone though, you have to know what's right for you, and there was no way that was right for you."

"I know, it was the one and only time it happened, and he apologized, but I know that doesn't count for anything. He had me brainwashed though."

"So because of him, you never want to love again?"

I took another swig while shaking my head. "It's not that I never want to love again . . . okay maybe it is. But it's more like, I don't know if I'll ever be able to fully love someone again. Like I can fall in love, but not give them the love that they would deserve. Does that make sense?"

"It does. You know Brooks deserves the world, and you feel like you can't give him that. So you're building up these walls to protect yourself from him."

“Exactly!”

“You really want to live the rest of your life wondering ‘what if’ though?”

“I hate that question, ‘what if?’. That’s all I’ve been asking myself when it comes to him. Months ago when we first moved here, I had this thing for him and that’s all I asked myself. I got over it though, and I’m determined to get over it this time as well.”

“Well you keep trying my dear; shall we have some of those cupcakes now?”

I nodded my head and got up from the couch and followed her into the kitchen, tequila bottle in hand.



Once Dolly was long gone, I continued to sit in the kitchen and pick at certain cupcakes. I had so many things rolling around in my head, that I did the one thing I did the best, pushed them to the back and focus at the matter on hand. Did I want vanilla frosting or chocolate frosting on my chocolate cupcake? If only men were as simple and easy as cupcakes.

A loud ringing nearly sent me flying from the countertop. Once I realized it was the house phone I slowed my breathing and reached across the counter to grab it. “Hello?”

“How come you’re not answering your cell phone.”

“Oh hi Brooks, nice to know you’re alive, considering you just disappeared on me this morning. Didn’t even tell me bye.”

“Are you drunk?”

“Maybe!”

“Why are you drinking?”

“Maybe because my best friend kissed me last night, then left this morning without a word, and Dolly walked in on me in hysterics and she pulled the tequila out and made me talk about everything!”

“Talk about everything? Talk about what?”

“STEVE!”

“Oh! Oh . . ..”

“What, did you think I was telling her about our kiss last night?”

“Well, yeah, I mean-“

“I told her, and then somehow I brought Steve up. About how I will never be able to love someone the way they deserved to be loved again. Understand Brooks? I’ll never love you the way I want to, and trust me, I want to.” After I realized that I might have, accidentally told Brooks I loved him, I hung up the phone.

“What?!” I jumped down from the counter and walked over to the phone mount, and pulled the cord out of the wall. That was stupid. That was beyond stupid. Why would I ever say such a thing to him? I had to get over this, not shout at him that I’m in love with him! I had to get out of DC. That’s my only option. I have to leave.