22: Leaving

When I woke up the next morning, the house was eerily quiet. I crawled out of bed and opened my door to peak down the hall at Brooks’ room. His door was open, so I tip toed my way down the hall and looked in, his bed was made, which meant he was already gone. Brooks always, always said bye to me before leaving. If I was sleeping, he would usually wake me up. Last night ruined us. This was the end. I had to get over this fascination of mine, get over this idea that I’m in love with the guy.

How was I going to do that living with him though? I had five days to figure it out. And I had to figure it out fast.



"What happened?" Dolly asked as she walked into the kitchen where I was baking up a storm.

"Nothing happened, why do you ask?"

"Something happened. Between Brooks and you. I can tell, don't lie to me."

I dropped the mixer in the icing I was making and wiped my hands down the front of my apron. "Okay, yes, something happened. But I don't want to talk about it, I have to try and figure out how to make it all go away."

"Did you sleep together?"

"Dolly! No! It's just . . . he kissed me."

"A kiss? That's it?"

"Well it was really romantic, and perfect, and I think I might be in love with him," I whispered the last few words, avoiding making eye contact with her. I picked the mixer back up and continued with the icing.

"You have to tell him!"

"Are you crazy?" I shouted with wide eyes.

"You have to. You'll regret it for the rest of your life if you don't."

"I said I think I might be in love with him, I don't know for sure!" The more we talked about it, the more my hands begin to sweat, and my heart jumped up and down. It was giving me anxiety just thinking about it.

"How can you not know? It's either you do or you don't." She made it sound so simple. Yet, I was a confused mess, I don't know if I am or not.

"I don't know. I really don't."

"Well I don't know how Brooks truly feels toward you, but I know one thing for sure. You two are perfect for one another."

I groaned to myself as I washed my hands and started on the icing again. That was the last thing I wanted to hear. "We're perfect for each other as far as perfection in a friendship can go. Realtionship-wise? Complete disaster."

"Whatever you say sweetheart. So what are you making?"

I looked around the kitchen at the disaster, relieved that the subject of conversation had changed. "A little bit of everything." I stated just as a sob slipped through my throat. I leaned against the island and slid down to the ground.

"Oh dear, you are in love with him," she whispered as she sat down next to me and wrapped her arm around my shoulders.

"I don't want to be. I never want to fall in love again."

"Why would you say such a thing?"

"I am so hung up on my ex, and I keep telling myself that I'm not. And I try to act like I'm not, but I am! It never bothered me with Mike, because I'm not in love with him, but with Brooks. I don't ever want to go through that again. Besides, I can't be in love with my best friend. Things don't work like that!"

"Okay, wait. One thing at a time. You're hung up on your ex?"

I nodded my head as I took a few deep breaths to steady my breathing. "He calls, and emails, and text messages. I try to not let it get to me, but it does every time. I got to a point where I could act like it doesn't bother me, and I actually had myself convinced it doesn't bother me, but it does. He's getting married in two months! That should be me getting married in two months!"

"Is that the only reason you're hung up on him? Because he's getting married and you're not?"

'He's getting married to someone other than me!"

"Oh dear." She stood up from the floor and I watched as she walked to our liquor cabinet. She pulled down a bottle of tequila, grabbed two shot glasses then joined me once again on the floor.

"How come every time Steve toys with my emotions the tequila comes out?"

"I have ulterior motives, now drink up!"




I pushed Dolly's hand out of my face as I crawled across the kitchen floor. "Where are you going?" She asked as I heard clinking of glass in the sink.

"Living room. I need a comfy seat if we're doing this," I announce as I continue my way into the living room. I crawled up on to the couch and the bottle of tequila was set down on the coffee table in front of me. "Why is it, that every time Steve comes up, I drink?"

"Because alcohol numbs the pain, and as long as you don't turn into an alcoholic, you're allowed to do it."

I nodded my head as I grabbed the bottle in front of me, taking a small swig from it. "So, spill everything. You can tell me everything, and I've come from years of experience, so the more you tell me the more I can help you."

"He hit me once," I blurted out immediately covering my mouth with my hand. Those words were never supposed to come out of my mouth. That memory was never supposed to cross my mind again.

"When and why?"

"I was twenty-four. We were at a family party, and Brooks and I were playing bartender. Steve was drinking a lot, because he was enjoying himself. I've never had a problem with him drinking before, but he started calling me names under his breath. Brooks couldn't hear him but I could. I don't know why he was doing it, he never called me names in front of his family before. So when we got back to the hotel, I asked him about it, and he went on a rampage. Him going off like that was something I was used to, so I just stand there, and try not to listen to the bad things he was saying. But then he. . .." I couldn't bring myself to describe what Steve did to me. I still wasn't sure why I was even talking about it. What did this have to do with anything? Dolly's hand rubbed up and down my back, calming me down with her maternal presence."He punched me in the side of my stomach, breaking two ribs."

"Why did you stay with him?"

"Because I was in love with him! When you're in love with someone you stay with them, through good times and in bad." I grabbed the tequila bottle and took another short swig. I rested my head back against the couch and immediately began to retract the memory. It was out there now, someone other than myself knew, and I wasn't too sure how I felt about that.

"Even if you love someone though, you have to know what's right for you, and there was no way that was right for you."

"I know, it was the one and only time it happened, and he apologized, but I know that doesn't count for anything. He had me brainwashed though."

"So because of him, you never want to love again?"

I took another swig while shaking my head. "It's not that I never want to love again . . . okay maybe it is. But it's more like, I don't know if I'll ever be able to fully love someone again. Like I can fall in love, but not give them the love that they would deserve. Does that make sense?"

"It does. You know Brooks deserves the world, and you feel like you can't give him that. So you're building up these walls to protect yourself from him."

“Exactly!”

“You really want to live the rest of your life wondering ‘what if’ though?”

“I hate that question, ‘what if?’. That’s all I’ve been asking myself when it comes to him. Months ago when we first moved here, I had this thing for him and that’s all I asked myself. I got over it though, and I’m determined to get over it this time as well.”

“Well you keep trying my dear; shall we have some of those cupcakes now?”

I nodded my head and got up from the couch and followed her into the kitchen, tequila bottle in hand.



Once Dolly was long gone, I continued to sit in the kitchen and pick at certain cupcakes. I had so many things rolling around in my head, that I did the one thing I did the best, pushed them to the back and focus at the matter on hand. Did I want vanilla frosting or chocolate frosting on my chocolate cupcake? If only men were as simple and easy as cupcakes.

A loud ringing nearly sent me flying from the countertop. Once I realized it was the house phone I slowed my breathing and reached across the counter to grab it. “Hello?”

“How come you’re not answering your cell phone.”

“Oh hi Brooks, nice to know you’re alive, considering you just disappeared on me this morning. Didn’t even tell me bye.”

“Are you drunk?”

“Maybe!”

“Why are you drinking?”

“Maybe because my best friend kissed me last night, then left this morning without a word, and Dolly walked in on me in hysterics and she pulled the tequila out and made me talk about everything!”

“Talk about everything? Talk about what?”

“STEVE!”

“Oh! Oh . . ..”

“What, did you think I was telling her about our kiss last night?”

“Well, yeah, I mean-“

“I told her, and then somehow I brought Steve up. About how I will never be able to love someone the way they deserved to be loved again. Understand Brooks? I’ll never love you the way I want to, and trust me, I want to.” After I realized that I might have, accidentally told Brooks I loved him, I hung up the phone.

“What?!” I jumped down from the counter and walked over to the phone mount, and pulled the cord out of the wall. That was stupid. That was beyond stupid. Why would I ever say such a thing to him? I had to get over this, not shout at him that I’m in love with him! I had to get out of DC. That’s my only option. I have to leave.