29: The Emotional Downfall

This wasn't easy to write one bit. I didn't edit it because writing it was hard enough, I couldn't bring myself to read through it. So please excuse any errors. I'd been putting this chapter off far too long, so I'm happy it's finally out here. I'd love to hear what everyone thinks. Thank you.

Kristina

I hate that I cry myself to sleep every night. I hate that I thought I had everything figured out, then come to find out I wasn’t even close. I don’t know why I’m here. What’s my purpose, what’s my being. I’m completely clueless and out of the loop.

I went to therapy. I convinced myself from a black leather couch that I was insane just like those waiting in the small, smelly waiting room. I spilled my guts, I held nothing back. I cried, I laughed, I smiled, I tracked my progress and my set backs. That’s what therapy was about anyways.

Yet every decision I have made in my adulthood comes down to one thing. Or in my case, one person. Steve.

“Do you read a lot Veronica?” Julie asked as she retreated back to her desk at the end of our fifty-five minute session.

“Not a whole lot, but since I have nothing else going on in my life I’m open to the idea of reading something.”

“I’d like you to read this before you come back next week, and if Brooks calls, try and answer it.” I nod my head as she hands me a book.

The Emotionally Abused Woman

“Wait, I’m confused. Why would you want me to read this? Steve only hit me that one time, but I was never mentally abused.” I ask her as I stand from the couch and watch her write away in my chart.

“I think it might surprise you Veronica.” She said nothing more, and I took that as a cue to leave her office.

I wasn’t ready to head back to my parents yet, so I drove through Phoenix till I was on the outskirts, only a block away from the zoo. It was the middle of April, but it was already very warm outside. The east bound wind was the only thing that was keeping me from misery. I parked my mother’s car in the parking lot and headed up to the front gates where I paid my admission and walked over the wood bridge to get deep into the zoo.

I find a fairly empty spot by a pond and sit down on a bench. I look at the book resting in my hands and I begin to cry. I don’t know what brings on the tears, but they’ve been coming a lot lately.

I’ve had some days where I wish there was a giant restart button. Something for me to reach up and push and start my life over. Today is no different. I’ve made mistakes, lots of them. Yet these mistakes I didn’t learn from. They were black and white. I fucked up, there was nothing I could do about it, and it will forever haunt me the rest of my life.

I start to open the book when my phone in my purse begins to ring. I know who’s calling. He calls everyday around the same time, around this current time. The soft tears turn to sobs in an instant as I pull my phone out and see his name sprawled out over the screen. Every day since I left he’s called, and every day I ignore his phone call. Julie thinks it might help me to talk to him. I can’t though. I know the instant I hear his voice I’ll fall again, and that’s the last thing I want to do.

How come every man I fall for, turns out to be a self-centered asshole?

I hit the ignore button out of habit and thrust my phone back into my purse. My attention now turned back to the book in my lap. I flip it open to a few pages into the first chapter and just slightly skim over the words.

With emotional abuse, the insults, the insinuations, the criticism, and the accusations slowly eat away the victim’s self-esteem until she is incapable of judging the situation realistically.

I skip ahead a few pages, already not liking what I’m reading. I come across a question, it looks as though it’s raised up off the page, like it’s specifically for me.

Do you feel that you can’t do most things right?

I look up to the sky as my tears slid down my chin and tickle my neck. Where’s that restart button? I wasted how many years with that man, and he’s still ruining my life? Steve will forever be the devil on my shoulder telling me what I can and cannot do.

I look out at the pond just as a swan swims by. A creature of such beautiful nature. I wish I were a swan. One of self-transformation. A beautiful one. Graceful, soulful, sensitive and in love. Why couldn’t I have been a swan? I’m nothing more than an emotionally abused, washed up, good for nothing 27-year-old woman. I live at home with my parents and there’s no clear image of the future in sight. I’ll more than likely end up in the retirement home with them.

“Excuse me miss, but the zoo is closing.” I don’t even look over my shoulder at the worker, I just nod my head and shove my book into my purse. I stand up and approach the railing alongside the pond. I watch the swan graciously swim around. She’s content with her life. How can I become content with my own?

I’m almost ready to give up on life as I leave the zoo. The headlights in the dusky sunset look more and more appeasing as I drive past them. Would anyone even miss me if I were gone? I can only think of one problem that could possibly solve. He’d stop calling.

How did I manage to fall so far over the cliff? How did I manage to get myself into this mess? How come, after four months, I’m not out of it yet? When does the pain end and life begin again?

Questions fill my mind so much that I’m barely paying any attention to the road. Twenty miles went by that I wasn’t even aware of. I focus myself back on the road, but my mind begins to wander once again.

Will I end up alone? Am I destined to be alone? Why does life have to revolve around finding that one person you’ll spend the rest of your life with? What if you were wrong? What if I was wrong? I want to question my faith, and my beliefs, but I don’t have any. I have nothing to cling on to anymore.

I’ve question and doubted my life for as long as I can remember. What’s my worth? What was I put on this Earth to do? My mind flicks over to Brooks. That smile, that laugh, those eyes, those dimples. He’s the most beautiful person I’ve ever set my eyes on. I’m here for him. In some way, a way I don’t know, that’s why I’m here. We may never be together, but he is my life.

My mind refocuses back on the road and it takes me a moment to realize I’m in my parents driveway. The car’s parked and turned off. How long had I been sitting here?

I walk into the house and my mother knows better than to ask me how I’m doing when I have blood-shot eyes. I glance down at the mail on the kitchen counter and see an envelope on the bottom with my name written in cursive across the top. I rip it open and pull out the contents just as my mother yells at me.

Ashley Michelle Baker & Steven Andrew Jaharus
invite you to share in their joy at their wedding
Saturday, June the 26th at 5 o’clock in the evening

“It’s this fucking bullshit! This is the reason I hate my life and I just want to disappear!” I scream as I slide down the side of the kitchen counter. I can hear my mothers footsteps draw closer to me, but she never says a word or touches me. She’s an amazing human being, and it pains me that I ever doubted that about her. I grab for my purse on the counter and snatch my cellphone. My thumb rolls over the numbers with such ease, almost in relief.

It rings . . . and rings . . . and rings. I’m just about to hang up when the ringing stops. I hear nothing on the other end and pull my phone away from my ear to see that our call was in fact connected. “Hello?”

I gasp at the sound of his voice. That was all it took. “Hi Brooks.” I don’t know what’s going on in my mind. After four months of not speaking I’m on the brink of hysterics as he talks.

“How, how are you?”

“I’m doing okay. How are you?” I bite my tongue as the words leave my mouth. If anyone can pick up on a lie, it’s Brooks.

“It’s going.” The sound of his voice is almost as miserable as my own, and I lose my composure once again. Tears fall to the ground surrounding me.

“I miss you Brooks. I miss you so much.” My mother hands me a box of tissues and offers me a smile. I try my hardest to smile back but it only causes me to cry harder. “Do you miss me?”

“That’s a stupid question Niko.”

“It’s legitimate though.” I just need to hear him say it. That he misses me. That my life means something.

“Well, I found out the hard way.” His sudden silence causes my stomach to flip and my breathing to hitch. The effect his has over my body is astounding. If he says the wrong thing I’ll for sure have an anxiety attack, but if he says he misses me, I’m not sure how I will react. “I found out the hard way, I can’t live without you.”

“Oh my God, Brooks, I am so sorry. I am sorry for everything I have put you through. I need you Brooks. I need you now more than ever.”

“I’m here baby, I’m never going anywhere.”

28: Halo

Holy Canolli!! I can't believe it's been nearly a month since I have updated this!! It's been a crazy month too, so I apologize. This is a short update, just bridging it to the future when the fun begins. Thank you guys so much for the continued support and I hope to have this back up to a regular update schedule once again. *I hope*. =P

There was no time to react before his fist connected with the side of my nose. I wasn’t exactly sure what I was going to expect as I arrived for the morning skate, but I didn’t think he would actually punch me. “You have a lot of balls walking in here!” I grabbed the nearest towel and shoved it to my nose, to try and stop the bleeding.

“Did you fucking forget I’m on this team too?” I snapped back at him.

“I love her Laich!”

“Well she’s gone now.” As the words leave my mouth I can sense the whole locker room freeze, all eyes on me.

“What do you mean she’s gone?” Mike asked, his fists clenching at his sides. My right eye twitches just at the sight. I don’t think I could handle another punch to the face from him. I’m acting like his first punch didn’t bother me, but my whole face is throbbing and the quicker I can get this confrontation over, the quicker I can soak my whole head in the ice tub.

“She went to Arizona.”

“Arizona? What the fuck is in Arizona?” I look at him with shocked washed over my face.

“You love her?”

“Yeah.”

“You don’t fucking love her. If you loved her you would know that her parents live in Arizona. Fuck Mike do you know anything about her other than her body?”

“Yeah, of course I do!” He snaps, taking a step closer to me, his fist still clenched. It seems as though the locker room has split down the middle. Half of them behind Mike while the other half are standing behind me.

“Where do her siblings live then?”

He scoffs at me, his arms relaxing. He looks over his shoulder, then around the room. “What siblings?”

“Stay the fuck away from me,” I growl as I step past him and toward the trainer’s room to have my nose looked at.

What the hell did he think he was doing? Most of all, who the hell does he think he is? I asked him to do me a favor. Help my best friend out in a situation I couldn’t help with myself. I didn’t ask him to fall in love with her. If anything, I had asked him not to fall in love with her. It was clear as day to everyone in the locker room that I’m in love with her. I just never had the balls to do anything about it.

Even as my nose is being put back into place by our trainer, all I can think about is what’s going through her mind at thirty thousand feet. Did she hate me? Could she tell I was lying as I told her I wasn’t in love with her? I wanted to give her time to think, and be on her own, but then again, I wanted her back, and I wanted her with me. Not him. I had to win her back. I had to do something to prove to her that I’ve been in love with her for as long as I can remember, that I’m sick of staying on the sidelines watching her date asshole after asshole. I needed to be her knight in shining armor, even if it may be scuffed up.

My nose was broken, and out of place, but it didn’t matter. I couldn’t feel a damn thing. I was numb. I stepped into my home, and the quietness was overwhelming. This wasn’t a home anymore. It was nothing more than just a house now. No dog, no nothing. Just myself, back to the way things used to be. I hated that though. I guess this is what I deserved though, to live in a house that was just as empty as I was.





Time flies when you’re having fun. Unfortunately for me, the past four months felt like ten years. Some of the older guys on the team would tell me time heals all, how much longer do I have to wait though? Mike has moved on, our friendship somewhat salvaged, but I can’t let go. I refuse to let go. Every phone call has gone unanswered, every letter returned. How much longer do I have to wait just to simply hear her voice again?

The only thing that keeps me going is the movements. Hockey, sleep, food, hockey. I don’t go out, I don’t socialize, I just do my job. The light bulb hanging above my life was dimming rather quickly. It was going to go out soon. What happens then? Was I going to have anything to live for anymore?

It’s just past noon, after yet another grueling practice, and I’m sitting on my couch, with a glass of bourbon. We were in the midst of yet another long playoff run, and I did what I had to do. Did I want to win the cup? Of course I did, but whom was I going to celebrate it with? Hugging your parents and thanking them for long hours in the rink is standard. They can only fill so much in your heart, the other part, the empty one, was reserved for her. So again, did I want to win the cup? Not without her.

I almost put myself in an emotionally exhausted coma on the couch. My bourbon had gone warm and watered down, and my eyes were watering from starring at the TV. This is what my life had come to.

Everywhere I’m looking now
I’m surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you’re my saving grace

I throw my glass at the wall next to me when I hear the song fill the room. Someone was playing an evil trick on me. I bite my bottom lip to will myself from crying. That was our song. She’s my everything; she’s my saving grace. I get up from the couch and try and locate the source of where the music was playing. I glance down at my cellphone to see the screen illuminated.

NIKO

I stare at it. Disbelief. Hope. Uneasiness. I pick it up and flip it open, continuing to stare at the numbers that begin to tick away. :01 . . . :04 . . . :07. Seven seconds doesn’t seem that long, but it felt like seven minutes to me.

“Hello?” I choke back, not fully trusting the words to leave my mouth.

“Hi Brooks,” there’s no emotion in her voice, well if there is I can’t pick up on it. She was always good at hiding her feelings, but I could usually pin point them out. Now, four months with no contact, I’ve lost my touch.

“How . . . how are you?”

“I’m doing okay. How are you?”

Do I lie again? Do I tell her the God-awful truth? “It’s going.”

I hear a few sniffles come from her and within moments they turned to sobs. “I miss you Brooks. I miss you so much.” I bite my lower lip again trying to keep myself composed. “Do you miss me?”

“That’s a stupid question Niko.”

“It’s legitimate though.”

“Well, I found out the hard way . . ..” The words are on the tip of my tongue, but just thinking about them coming out has me crying. I’m in hysterics. She absolutely has no idea what she does to me. No idea at all. “I found out the hard way, I can’t live without you.”

27: Christmas Revisited

Alright, I'm actually really scared and iffy about this. Brooks is a very confused man, haha. So feedback would be amazing on this chapter. Let me know if I should continue inserting his POV. Thanks my lovelies!!

First off, I couldn’t believe he got her a puppy, and second off, I couldn’t believe I was letting this go on for as long as I have. I already knew what was going to happen. Mike’s going to get screwed over. He’s had enough fun with my girl, the girl I allowed him to move in on. Everything has to come to an end though, and I knew today I had to put a stop to this disaster. I could tell Veronica day in and day out how perfect she is for Mike, and him for her. Yet, she doesn’t know I’m actually thinking about myself, and I have been for the past nine and a half years. Every time I see them together, or when I know she’s at his place, I physically hurt. I found myself spending more time in the hot tubs at the arena after practices, easing my sore muscles. And more and more time restraining myself from beating the crap out of Mike when he talked about Veronica in the locker room. Yeah, sure guys like to brag about their girls, but talking about her ass, and how she stripped for him are things I don’t appreciate being shared in the locker room. In front of me nonetheless. Mike knows I have feelings for her. He called me out on it, and now he just dangles his relationship in front of my nose. That’s why this has to come to an end, she loves me, and she needs to know I love her too.

I sit in the kitchen, and I can hear them having sex upstairs. I grab a mug out of the cabinet, poured it half full with rum, then finish it off with the apple cider. I pop it in the microwave for a few seconds then take it with me outside into the snow. I quickly down half of the mug and feel the alcohol hit me quicker than I would have liked. I pinch my eyes shut and allow my body to sway, adjusting to the alcohol seeping into my blood. I hear my phone ringing just inside the door, and I consider ignoring it just to stay outside, but I had already ignored two calls from my mother. I step inside, just in time to hear an earth shattering scream. Not one of fear though, one of euphoric shock. I finish off my drink before answering my phone.

“Hey momma!”

“Brooks Laich, it’s about time you answered your phone, I’ve been calling all morning! Wait, how come you haven’t been answering your phone?”

“Mike’s here. I guess I’ve just been occupied. I’m sorry mom, Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas sweetie. So I have to ask, have you confessed your feelings to Veronica yet? Because you know, you kind of need to do that before you lose her for good.”

“No mom, I know. I plan on telling her.”

“How come you haven’t yet? When do you plan on telling her? You can’t let this keep going on Brooks, I don’t know if I can handle another year of this. I’m getting too old, and this crush of yours has gone on too long.”

“Well after she told me she loves me, as more than just friends, I got scared, and kept putting it off. I’ll talk to her today though, after Mike leaves.”

“Brooks is telling Veronica he loves her today!” My mom screamed to my whole family that was at our family home. I groaned as she giggled and I could hear my sister wishing me luck in the back ground. Someone cleared their throat behind me and I turned around to see Veronica walk up to me. She smiled before picking up her puppy that I wasn’t aware was playing around my feet. “Alright mom, I got to go. Merry Christmas. I love you.”

I watched as Veronica grabbed some newspapers and set them up for her dog to pee on. I hated the dog, and I wasn’t happy when Mike asked if he could get her one. Of course he would get her a dog, she milks up that sap. It’s so cliché though. “Hey,” I break the silence as I rub the back of my neck, my thoughts quickly shifting to the way she looks in sweats. Even in the baggiest of cloths I could still see the curve of her spine and roundness of her hips when she bends over.

“Hey, sorry if we woke you up. I thought you were asleep.”

I close my eyes momentarily trying to get the image of them together out of my head. Mike’s talked about it so much in the locker room, I’m positive I know exactly what she looks like naked. “No, you didn’t wake me up. My mom calling forty times woke me up,” I laugh nervously. It was the truth anyways. I had passed out on the couch and my mom calling woke me up. That was the second call I ignored. “So, I’m going to order Chinese, then we’ll watch a movie, sound good?”

“Yeah, sounds perfect.”

Sounds perfect. She doesn’t know what perfect is. She always go for the exact opposite of perfect. Okay, maybe not always. When it comes to men she does. I thought Steve was the perfect guy for her. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have introduced them. Had I of known what a pompous ass he was, I would have kept her far away from him. When he asked her to marry him it was the worst day of my life. It was the last day I knew the real Veronica and it was also the first day of having to come to terms with living my life alone.

We eat in the kitchen, and I keep my eye on Veronica out of the corner of my eye. I guess she called Mike her boyfriend and now they were in suburban bliss. I wasn’t exactly paying attention. Veronica got up to take the cartons into the kitchen and Mike looked over at me and gave me a smirk. He got up from the couch and followed Veronica into the kitchen. “I’m in love with you.” The asshole said it loud enough to make sure I heard him.

The rest of the conversation was hushed, and once the mumbles stopped I got up and headed into the kitchen. Mike looked dejected but as soon as he felt my presence he turned around and forced a proud smile on his face. “Do you mean it?”

“Mean what?”

“Are you really in love with her? Because if you’re fucking with her, I have no choice but to fuck with you.”

“I’m in love with her Brooks. There’s no question about it. I know it put strain on us, on our friendship, but bro, I’m in love with her.”

“Well she obviously ran out on you. She doesn’t take things like that very well. If I were you, I’d give her time to think, maybe go say bye then head home. We have a game tomorrow anyways.”

“Yeah, sure, whatever, I can take a hint when you drop one. Just keep your dirty hands off my girl.”

I rolled my eyes after he headed up the stairs. I managed to do it again, first Steve, now Mike. Okay, maybe she doesn’t pick the guys, maybe I do. Maybe in some weird way, I pick the guys, wait for them to screw up and then enjoy it when she runs to me to be comforted. Each time I held her in my arms though, nothing ever happened. I was too chicken shit to make an advance. Nine years of being a chicken shit. Fuck.

She came back into the living room and she looked like she just saw a ghost. “Niko,” I draw her eyes to mine but she pinches her eyes shut.

“Not now Brooks.”

“Mike tells you he’s in love with you, and you run?” I don’t exactly know where I’m going with this, we need to not talk about Mike, we need to talk about us. About my feelings for her, but fuck, Mike already ruined it for me.

“I didn’t run. I had to go to the bathroom.”

“Which was a lame ass excuse. I told you not to drag him along Niko. I told you not to do this to him.”

“I’m not dragging him along! He caught me off guard! I never thought I would hear those words again.”

“So you never thought you would hear them again, but it’s okay for you to say them?” Oh fuck, I was in deep shit now. I didn’t mean to bring us up. I wanted to. The one thing I really wanted to talk about was us, but not tonight. Fucking Mike. I closed my eyes wishing I could take my words back.

“What?”

“Nothing, nevermind. Why don’t you have a drink, calm down a bit, and I’ll bake cookies.”

I take a deep breath, hoping she doesn’t call me out on changing the subject. “You’re going to bake cookies?” I release my breath and smile at her.

“Well yeah, it’s easy to do when they’re already cut into squares. Just have to put them on the cookie sheet and bake. No foul cookies.”

“Alright, alright, fine. Just no fires. Okay?” I nod my head then inch my face down to kiss her on the cheek. All I really want to do is kiss her on the lips again, but not yet.

I managed to drink more spiked cider as I ruin the ‘no foul’ cookies. It kept running through my mind. I had to talk to her, and I had to do it tonight. For once I grew the balls to bring the subject up, and I knew come morning, they’d be sucked back up into my ass to never be seen again. It was tonight or never. I finished off my cider and walked into the living room where I immediately shut the TV off. “Hey, I was watching that!”

“We need to talk.” I swallowed hard as her eyes narrowed in on me.

“About what?”

“What you said to me a few weeks ago. How you’ll never love me the way you want to.”

“Well I won’t, because we’re just friends.” Fuck the word ‘friends’, I hate that word. ‘They’re just friends’, ‘we’re just friends’. I was sick of it.

“Do you want to love me as more than just friends though? Do you ever wish it was me with you rather than Mike?”

“Brooks. Stop.”

“No, I just want to try and understand. You wouldn’t just say something like that just to say it. There has to be more behind it.” I walk around the coffee table and sit down next to her, twisting my body so I was facing her. Not only did she have her walls up, but she had her physical walls up too. Her knees were pressed to her chest, her arms wrapped around her legs, securely keeping them in place.

“I don’t know what to tell you Brooks. I was confused back then. Then I figured things out. Now tonight, I’m confused all over again.”

“Do you love me?”

“As a friend, unconditionally.”

“When I kissed you, did you feel anything?”

“I don’t remember. You told me to forget about it remember? So I did.”

Fuck. I drop my head and look down at my sweatpants. Sometimes I don’t know why I say the things I do. I told her to forget about our kiss because I was scared. I was scared she didn’t feel the same and that I would lose her. “I actually wanted you to remember. I always wondered what it would be like if we gave ourselves a chance.” I brought my head up and locked my eyes with her. Then my body moved so quickly, I had to look down to realize I was laying between her legs, my mouth inches from hers. I ran my hand along her thigh, feeling her body. I like that my body was reacting before my brain was able to think about it. It was giving me a chance to enjoy what I ached for without thinking about the consequences.

“What are you doing Brooks?” She asked, her voice shaky, her eyes boring into mine.

“Trying to find out if friendship is where our relationship ends.” I was shocked by my own line. I wasn’t suave enough to come up with something like that, so I did the next best thing. I kissed her. It wasn’t a friendly peck on her mouth either, my lips were making love to hers. I brought her leg up, pressing my pelvis into hers. I wanted her, no, I needed her. I’ve waited my time. I’ve wasted my time. I don’t care about Steve, I definitely don’t care about Mike, it was finally time to think about myself. I was in love with the woman resting below me and as she kissed me back a small spark in my heart made me believe she loved me back.

I moved her down on the couch as her hands roamed my body. When she bit down on my bottom lip it was as if every fantasy I have ever had of Veronica just came true. “Have you ever thought about me making love to you?” I asked as I dragged my lips along her neck. She moans out what sounds like a yes. “Will you let me make love to you tonight?” I slide my hand up the front of her shirt and stop just below her bra, waiting for her answer.

“Yes,” she whispers, and I continue with my hand, running my fingers over the thin material of her bra. Feeling her nipple erect. It wasn’t cold in the living room, so that only told me one thing, she was just as turned on as I was.

“You fucking whore! You fucking asshole!” I jumped away from Veronica when I hear Mike’s voice. The only reason I jumped was because I was startled. If it was my choice, I’d still be on top of her, calling Mike the asshole. He goes off on this whole spiel, but I’m not exactly paying attention. I’m too busy pushing a pillow down on my erection. My senses aren’t functioning correctly, but Mike sounds pissed. Like he should. “Mike look, I’m sorry.” I apologize, but really I’m not sorry at all.

He talks some more, and I continue to not listen. I wish I was better at reading lips, then I could hear the names he was calling me. I didn’t regret what I had done. Well no, let me take that back. I regret it because of what Veronica will have to deal with now, but my feelings are out there now. She knows how I feel, and I know how she feels as well. It’s time to push Mike in the past and move on with future. She has to see that we’re meant to be together now right? Wait. I fucked up. I follow Mike to the front door and lock the door behind him. I return to the couch and pull a very distraught Veronica into my arms. I couldn’t figure out what was going on in my head. “I’m sorry,” I whisper in her ear. The citrus smell of her hair brings my lips back to her neck. She placed her hands on my shoulders and pushed me away. “Niko.”

“No Brooks, stop. I don’t know what this is that you’re doing, but do you have any idea what just happened? What the fuck is your problem? Are you bi-polar or something? This whole time you’ve warned me about not hurting Mike, and now I’ve hurt him, and you continue to put moves on me? What the hell is going on in your head?”

I don’t know! I don’t know what’s going on in my head. I’m full of regret, but I’m also full of hope and desire. Is she still blind? I throw myself at her, tell her I want to make love to her, and she still can’t see it? Why can’t I just yell it at her? It’s on the tip of my tongue. I want to scream to her that I’m in love with her, but instead I watch as she retreats back up to her bedroom. I’m the biggest fuck up in North America. There’s no question about it. Instead of making all the right decisions when it comes to Veronica, I just made all the wrong decisions. I just made her lose all of her trust with me. I needed to distance myself from her. I needed to put her in a safe place so I couldn’t do any more harm. All it will take is one more wrong move, and I’ll lose her forever. I can’t afford to lose her forever. I’d rather she marry Mike and keep me as a friend, then have nothing to do with me at all. Why did I have to be such a fucking idiot?



I didn’t think that she would actually leave. I didn’t want her to leave, but if this was what she needed to do, then she needed to do it. I was her back bone, her support. I had to support her. This was also my chance to distance myself from her and get my shit together. It was a sleepless night, and I had to fight back the tears as I drove her to the airport. Crying wouldn’t be fair. I was the asshole in this situation. We both needed our time, and once I came up with the perfect plan, I would set out to win her over. I wasn’t giving up, I was just backing off. I couldn’t confuse her anymore, or send her for loops anymore. I wanted her to spend time with her family, and really think about life, think about what she really wants. She’s never had the chance to do such a thing.

We stood in the airport, looking everywhere but at each other. “Brooks, are you in love with me?” I kept my eyes down on my feet, trying to hide the shock that washed over me upon hearing those words come out of her mouth. I wanted to shout and scream ‘yes’. ‘Yes Niko, I’m in love with you’, but I knew I couldn’t. What’s the stupid saying? If you love something let it go, if it comes back to you, it’s yours forever. I had to put the ball in her court. “No,” I whispered bringing my eyes up to hers. She nodded her head and looked down at her feet but I brought her eyes back up to mine. “But, I love you, okay?” I kissed her on the forehead and she walked away. I couldn’t bare to watch her anymore so I turned and left the airport. I just told the biggest lie of my life, and I could only hope that someday, she’ll understand why.

Poll

Okay, so after the last chapter, I had two lovely ladies suggest I write a POV from Brooks. Now I'm asking you.

This whole story has been from Veronica's POV, and I thought it might be odd to throw in his POV in the middle of the story, but I'm completely down with writing that if that's something you guys are interested in. I've been wanting to do one from his side for some time now, but it's just never happened.

So I think I know enough about Brooks to tap into that beautiful mind of his. Is this something you guys would be interesting in reading?

Thanks for all the continued support as always!!!

Cheers,
Kristina

26: Running

No one in the room moved, not until Mike shook his head and grabbed his cell phone off the table storming out of the house. Brooks got up and followed him, I heard the faint click of the lock and pressed my forehead to my knees. How could I be so fucking stupid? The couch dipped down next to me and two arms wrapped around me. Brooks pulled me against his chest, and I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to be around him. “I’m sorry,” he whispered against my ear, before his lips dragged across my ear lobe. He tilted his head down and kissed my neck. I placed my hands on his shoulders and pushed him away.

“Niko.”

“No Brooks, stop. I don’t know what this is that you’re doing, but do you have no idea what just happened? What the fuck is your problem? Are you bi-polar or something? This whole time you’ve warned me about not hurting Mike, and now I’ve hurt him, and you continue to put moves on me? What the hell is going on in your head?”

He sat there and stared at me, trying desperately to find the right words to say. I gave up after a few moments of silence and left the living room. I picked up Murphy on my way to my bedroom. I set the puppy down on the bed and pulled my cell phone out of my pocket. I dialed the one number that I didn’t want to dial. It rang a few times before my mother answered with a chirpy ‘hello’.

“Hey mom, Merry Christmas.”

“What’s wrong Veronica? You sound depressed.”

“Um, I need you ask you and dad a favor.”

“What’s that sweetie?”

“I need to move in with you guys for awhile. I’ll explain everything when I get there, and then I’ll start a job hunt and get an apartment.”

“Whatever you need to do sweetie.”

“Thanks mom, I’ll call you when I have a flight booked.”

I hung up the phone and fell back on the bed, Murphy crawling up onto my stomach to get comfortable. I was doing what I always did, but I had no choice this time. I couldn’t stay here and then continue to act like nothing had happened. Mike confessed his love, and in return I ripped his heart out. I know how it feels to be cheated on. Sure Steve never slept with any of my girlfriends, but it sucks. I can’t even imagine what Mike is going through. Why did I do that?

Most of all, why did Brooks do that? He can’t just kiss me whenever he wants. Friendships don’t work like that. At all. He’s fucking with my heart, and I don’t appreciate it.

Another reason why I had to leave was an obvious one. Mike and Brooks are teammates, and I was always one to put the team first. I couldn’t be here and continue to be what divided the two. It wasn’t fair to them.

I began to pack my things in all of the bags and suitcases I had. An hour must have passed by the time Brooks knocked on my door. Finally calm enough to see him, I opened the door and turned back to my closet.

“What are you doing?”

“Leaving. You can consider this my notice, I can’t stay here and continue to disrupt your relationship with Mike. Let’s just go back to the way things used to be, okay? I’ll come out for your birthday, and we’ll spend some time together over the summer. If you make it to the finals, I’ll come out. Just back to normal.”

He leaned against the door frame, his arms crossed over his chest. He starred down at his feet as he took in my words. I was thankful he wasn’t trying to argue with me. He knew as much as I did, that I was no good for the dynamics of his hockey team. Him and Mike had to be able to work together.

This didn’t fix all of our problems though, I still wanted to know what was going on in his head. He walked into my room and sat down next to the open suitcase on my bed. I grabbed a few more things out of my closet and tossed them in before I stepped in front of him.

“You understand why I have to do this, right?”

He searched my face, biting his bottom lip before nodding his head. “Um, where are you going to go?”

“Phoenix. I’m going to stay with my parents for awhile.”

“I’ll go buy your ticket.”

“Brooks, you don’t have to do that.”

“I put you in this situation, let me help you, okay?” There was an edge of agitation to his voice as he got up from the bed. I simply nodded my head and he continued his way out of my bedroom.

“Murphy, what the hell have I done?” I ask the small puppy who found a home in my suitcase curled up in my clothes.





It was a quick departure from DC. I thought for sure Brooks would buy me a ticket for the next week, but he managed to get one for the next day. The airport was packed, and instead of just dropping me off, Brooks parked his truck and walked me in. Things happened so suddenly, it was kind of hard to believe myself that I was leaving. I had called Mike to apologize and tell him I was leaving, that he wouldn’t have to deal with me anymore, but he didn’t answer. I left a short voicemail, and knew if he had any questions he would just call.

With Murphy tucked in a bag and a carryon being dragged behind me, Brooks helped me check in two suitcases, then walked me to the security. I looked up at him and his eyes were glassed over. I never thought our friendship would have to be put through any of this, but I was obviously wrong. “I better go,” I whisper, taking my eyes away from his face.

“Yeah.”

“Brooks? Are you in love with me?” I was shocked at my own question, but I guess I just needed to know. I needed to know if I was making the right decision.

“No,” he whispered bringing his eyes up to mine. There was truth and regret behind his eyes and I bit my tongue to stop the tears from flowing out. I nodded my head, taking my eyes down to the ground. He placed his hand under my chin and brought my eyes back up to his. “But, I love you, okay?” I smiled weakly at him and he kissed my forehead. I headed through security and looked back one last time to see Brooks walking away.

I managed to cry nearly the whole flight to Phoenix. Reality hit me hard. Brooks was just looking for a good time, and he was doing that with me. I never thought he’d be the type of guy to do that, but he did. He wasn’t in love with me like my mind had tricked me into believing he was.

I felt like a walking zombie as I navigated my way through the Phoenix airport. Once I found the baggage claim, my parents quickly made their way to me, my mom engulfing me in her arms. “Let’s grab your bags and go home, then we’ll talk okay?” I nodded my head and we waited for my bags on the carousel. I couldn’t even talk, I was in this depressed state where it just felt like nothing mattered anymore. I lost Mike and Brooks all within 24 hours because of stupid mistakes and false assumptions.

Being back in Arizona was a weird feeling for me. I knew I shouldn’t be here, but I was. Once we pulled into the driveway, I knew it was only a matter of minutes before my mom began to ask questions.

I sat down at the kitchen table and she pulled out iced tea from the fridge and poured me a glass. “Well, why are you here all of a sudden?” She asked taking a seat across from me.

“I’m in love with Brooks. Or at least I think I am. I’ve been going through these swings where I am, then I convince myself I’m not. Well I’ve been dating his friend, and his friend told me he loved me last night and I . . . no, I don’t do love. Not with anyone other than Brooks. Brooks ended up kissing me last night, and we would have had sex, but Mike walked in on us. I just, I had to leave. This morning I asked him if he was in love with me," I paused to whip away the tears that sneaked out. "And he told me no. I thought I was reading all the signs right, but I wasn't. Leave it to me to fall in love with my best friend who doesn't feel the same."

"He loves you Veronica, we can all see it. Maybe he's scared, have you told him you love him?"

"Kinda, I mean its this ongoing circle. I did tell him I won't be able to love him the way I want to and when he called me out on it I told him I was confused. This was last night. He's messing with me mom, and I don't like it."

"Well just stay here through the New Year, clear your head then you need to go back and tell him your true feelings. Don't word it weird, you just need to come out and tell him you're in love with him."

“I wish it was that easy mom. It’s hard enough that he’s my best friend, but throw on top what Steve did to me. I’m scared. I’m scared shitless.”

“Veronica, you’re not getting any younger. You need to tell him.”

“He doesn’t love me.” I covered my face with my hands and cried into my palms. Of course he wouldn’t be in love with me. You never get what you really want, and sitting here with my mom I realize the thing I want the most is Brooks. I’m meant to be with him. He’s been my rock for nearly a decade, we know everything about each other. He is my other half.

The other half I’ll never have. Life here in Phoenix will be one of adjustment to living life never quite fulfilled. I’ll have to learn to live my life knowing that this void in my heart will always be there.