16: Not Ready

Lying on the bed in the doctor’s office, I allowed Brooks and the doctor to discuss my well being. I was too out of it to converse with them. “Well it’s definitely the flu, she just needs to rest and drink lots of fluids.” I rolled my eyes at the doctor stating the obvious. I would have rolled my eyes a second time at Brooks for bringing me here, but I couldn’t find the strength.

“Are you sure it’s not the swine flu? Can we check for it?” I sat up on the bed and looked at Brooks annoyed. He wasn’t serious.

“No, I don’t believe her symptoms are severe enough to consider H1N1. If she doesn’t get any better within the next few days, I would bring her back in though.” I took this as my sign that my time with the doctor was over so I jumped down from the bed. “Well Veronica, you have a great boyfriend here-“

“Oh, I’m not her boyfriend,” Brooks cut in with a slight chuckle. His words caused something I thought I would never feel from Brooks before and that was heartbreak. He said it so easily, and with a laugh, like a relationship with me would be a joke. That’s when I knew I had to put this whole thing I was feeling for Brooks to rest. It was just a fantasy, one I needed to get over quickly.

“Well either way, you’re doing everything right. So, just rest and lots of fluids. I hope you feel better soon.”

I smiled weakly at the doctor and followed Brooks out of the room. He wrapped his arm around my shoulders, and pulled me tight to him as we walked out. I wanted to push him away, far away, but just thinking about physically forcing him away made my body ache.

Back at the house, he forced me to just relax on the couch and to not worry about anything. He really emphasized on anything, it was like he could read my mind. But I don’t want him to do that, because then he could see the current dilemma in my head about him. How I wanted him . . .? Suddenly thinking about him in a sexual way grossed me out. I hated being sick.

I saw my phone illuminate and then begin to vibrate on the coffee table in front of me and contemplated ignoring it, but at the last second I bent over and grabbed it. “Hello?”

“Hey, how are you? I texted you this morning but didn’t get anything back, everything okay?” I smiled at Mike’s concern.

“Yeah, sorry, Brooks took me to the doctor. He’s paranoid about this swine flu thing; well it’s not swine flu, just the flu.”

“Well I hope you start feeling better soon. I hate that you’re sick and I’m not there.”

I suddenly wanted to start talking about us. I wanted to go back on my word, make this thing with Mike serious. My biological clock was obviously screaming at me with this sickness. Twenty-six years old with only two guys on my radar. Mike and Brooks. My body was screaming at me to have a relationship with Mike, but did I want that for the right reasons? Or because I couldn’t have one with Brooks? My mind was spinning, and I couldn’t get it to stop. “I hope so too,” I mumbled as Brooks joined me on the couch and looked at me curiously. “Well Mike, I think I’m going to take a nap. I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

“Alright babe, feel better.” I snapped my phone shut and tossed it back onto the coffee table.

“Everything okay?” Brooks asked as he wrapped his arm around my shoulders once again. I pulled away from him and got up from the couch.

“I just don’t like being called babe, you know that. I’m gonna head to bed.” I wasn’t tired, sure I was drowsy, and I was plenty comfortable on the couch. That was until Brooks draped his arm over my shoulders, and my mind went on overdrive. I wanted to be near him, I wanted to touch him. Yet at the same time, I couldn’t stand to be in the same room as him. It was going to make my mind explode.

I walked into my room and collapsed on my bed. I wanted a clear mind. I didn’t want thoughts of Brooks or Mike or even the flu. I just wanted to stare up at my ceiling and be at peace.

I grabbed my iPod off my nightstand and shoved the earphones in my ears. Music and cold medicine, that's exactly what I needed to clear my head. At least for now. I strolled through my playlists, well the two I had. Mike and Brooks, the playlists they had created for me. That didn't do me any good, so I went back through the artists, suddenly wanting to listen to something that would make me cry. To just purge all of the emotions I had pent up inside. I needed girl music. When the tune filled my ears I looked down at my iPod, Chicago. CHICAGO?! “Oh, you’re fucking kidding me,” I grumbled to myself as I was half tempted to change the song, but my fingers went to it for a reason, so I allowed myself to get lost in the words.

You know our love was meant to be
The kind of love that lasts forever
And I want you here with me
From tonight until the end of time

I groaned as I picked my iPod back up and searched for a new song, one that wouldn’t remind me of the man a few yards away from me. My fingers floated to the next song, and I rested my head against the pillows and closed my eyes.

I am ready for love why are you hiding from me?
I’d quickly give my freedom to be held in your captivity
I am ready for love all of the joy and pain
And all the time that it takes just to stay in your good grace
Lately I’ve been thinking maybe you’re not ready for me
Maybe you think I need to learn maturity
They say watch what you ask for cause you might receive
But if you ask me tomorrow I’ll say the same thing
I am ready for love would you please lend me your ears
I promise I won’t complain I just need you to acknowledge I am here
If you give me half a chance I will prove this to you
I will be patient, kind, faithful and true
To a man who loves music a man who loves art
Respects the spirit world and thinks with his heart
I am ready for love if you’ll take me in your hands
I will learn what you teach and do the best I can
I am ready for love here with an offering arm
My voice, my eyes, my soul, my mind
Tell me what is enough to prove I am ready for love
I am ready

“I’m not ready!” I cried out as hot tears rolled down my cheeks and into my ears. I picked up my iPod and placed the India Arie song on repeat. “I don’t know what the fuck I want.” I felt my bed dip down and I shook my head, trying to convince myself I was imagining it. I felt my left earphone come out of my ear, and then the tears on that side of my face were wiped away.

“Why are you crying Niko? What’s wrong?”

“Moving here was a mistake,” I blurted out as I finally opened my eyes and looked up at him hovering over me.

“Why do you say that?”

“It just was. I’m sorry Brooks. I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, you’re just not feeling good. Have you taken anything?”

I nodded my head, feeling my brain spin at a ridiculous speed. I didn’t know what I wanted. Why did I have to want something? Why couldn’t I just be content with nothing. Nothing. That’s what I had before I moved to DC. That’s what I want to go back to.





Around the beginning of September I was back to my healthy self, and kept myself occupied by experimenting in the kitchen. Brooks and our neighbor, Dolly, being my taste testers. Dolly, a very sweet and very kind seventy-year-old woman was my newest escape. Having the flu was just playing mind games on me, it was a psychological drug. Everything had stopped the morning I woke up in a pool of sweat. My fever gone, my body aches gone, my feelings toward Brooks more than friends . . . gone. It was like not only was the flu gone, but the weight on my shoulders and all the stress holding me down was gone. I was convinced it was just my body’s reaction to the flu, I blew everything up. I was, to say it lightly, out of my mind.

“What smells so good?” I heard Dolly yell from outside the kitchen window. I looked out and smiled at her, as I opened the side door for her to come in. She smiled brightly at me as she walked into the kitchen and took her usual seat at the breakfast bar, just on the other side of the stovetop where I had some crabs boiling. “So what are you making?” She asked as she tried to peak into the pot.

“Cioppino.”

“Chu-what?”

I laughed as she scrunched her face together. “Cioppino. It’s a seafood stew. I’m trying to remember my grandmother’s recipe as I go. I guess we’ll find out when we’re done.” I checked on the crab, and they were still at the bottom of the pot, so I knew I still had some more time before they were done.

“Where’s this handsome man of yours?”

“How many times have I told you, he’s not mine?” I laughed and glanced over at her just in time to see her roll her eyes. Not even someone stating we were together could bring back those feelings I was once feeling for him. It was all made up in my imagination. “He should be back any minute from the gym.”

“And when do I get to meet this Mike boy you talk so much about? I won’t believe anything you say about him until I see him shirtless!”

“Dolly!” I laughed as I turned back to the crabs, still not done.

“What? I’m a widow, I’m allowed to look!”

“Well everyone is due to be back in town at the end of next week. So, probably then.”

“Or probably now,” I spun around at the sound of his voice.

“What are you doing here!?” I shrieked as I ran into Mike’s arms. He lifted me up in his arms and I ripped his hat off so I could kiss him without it getting in the way. “Miss me much?” He mumbled against my lips and I heard both Brooks and Dolly clear their throats.

“I guess I did,” I laughed as he set me back down and I dragged him over to Dolly. “Dolly this is Mike, Mike this is our neighbor Dolly,” I introduced the two and Dolly’s eyes ran up and down his body. I tried to stifle a laugh, but it found its way through my lips anyways.

“A little soft.” Both Brooks and I began to laugh when the words left her mouth. A little soft, she has no idea.

“That’s what I like about him though,” I smiled as I patted my hand on his stomach. Scratch that, his rock hard abs. He obviously had been working out over the summer.

“What are you cooking?” Brooks asked as he poked at the crabs that were now floating at the surface, letting me know they were all cooked and ready to go.

“Cio-“

“A seafood stew,” Dolly interrupted me with a chuckle.

“Yes, seafood stew, and since the crabs are done, it should be ready shortly.”

Once I had the stew all mixed together and looking edible, I dished up three bowls and set them down on the breakfast bar. I took a step back and waited for their verdict. They looked back and forth between each other, almost as if they were scared to try it, but Brooks was the first one to dig in. Then Dolly took a spoon full, and Mike followed cautiously. I hadn’t told him about my kitchen experiment, and here he was being thrown head first into it.

“What the fuck?!” Brooks shouted after he took his first bite. Dolly glared at him for his language and I looked at him knowing what was coming next. It was terrible. Brooks knew to tell me if something sucked or not, after all he was paying me for the food he eats, so why make something he doesn’t like? “Where did you learn how to cook like this?” Instead of the sound of disgust in his voice, it was one of admiration. I brought my eyes up from my apron to meet his; a sly smile sprawled out on his face.

“What?”

“This, did you follow a recipe?”

“No, it’s all from memory,” I stated slowly as I continued to watch him eat it. Well he didn’t say if he liked it or not, but I continued to watch as all three of them devoured their bowls, Mike and Brooks looking for more. “Seriously? It was that good?” I asked shocked as I poured some for myself into a mug before refilling their bowls.

“I might have to steal you away,” Mike smiled before kissing the back of my neck gently before returning to his stool.

“Sweetie, you should think about making a cook book,” Dolly chimed in as she rinsed out her bowl. “Well Wheel of Fortune is about to come on, I’ll leave you kiddies alone. Bye Veronica.”

“Bye Dolly!” I smiled to her as I held the door open for her and she left. I turned back around and grinned at Mike who was still eating. “So, what? You couldn’t call to tell me you were coming today?”

“No, I wanted to surprise you, and the look on your face was worth it.” I grinned and actually felt myself blush. I looked around the kitchen to see Brooks had disappeared somewhere, his bowl, empty and in the sink. I shrugged my shoulders and began to work on the dishes until I felt his arms wrap around my waist.

“I’m not soft,” he groaned in my ear and I pressed my butt into his crotch to tease him.

“I know that,” I replied as I turned around in his arms and nipped at his bottom lip.

“I want you to be my girlfriend Veronica.” I pulled my mouth away from his neck and looked up into his eyes.

“Why?”

“Because I want you for myself. Call me selfish, I don’t care, but I don’t want to think about you with other guys.”

“Trust me, there are no other guys.”

“You live with one.”

“Brooks!? Are you serious?”

“Yes, I’m serious. He’s a great guy, you are an amazing woman. You guys have known each other for years. I don’t know exactly what I’m saying, maybe he’s a better fit for you than I am? I don’t know. But I just want you for myself, I don’t want you falling in love with anyone else. I want you falling in love with me.”

Fuck. Here I stood wanting to kick him out. After Steve, I would never fall in love again, simple as that. Life was so much easier when you didn’t have that to worry about. What was wrong with casual sex? Why did it have to be more? The more I wanted to kick him out the angrier I became with myself. I wasn’t going to kid myself, I wanted to get laid. It had been a few weeks, and with him wrapped up in my arms, I could smell sex radiating off of us. Yet he said the ‘L’ word. He went there. He sprung it on me unexpectedly. He didn’t say he was in love with me, he said he wanted me to fall in love with him. Who the hell says that? When I brought my eyes back up to his, sex overpowered love.

“Can we go back to your place?” I whispered as I leaned up and pressed my lips against his one more time. He nodded his head and pulled away from me to grab his keys. I looked around the kitchen and figured everything could wait until morning, and if Brooks wanted more to eat, it was there for him. I left him a note on our white board attached to the fridge and took Mike’s hand in mine as we made our way outside. I laughed to myself as we walked to his car in the driveway.

Fall in love? I’m not ready for love.