12: The Blowout

"What the fuck are you trying to say? That you want to be with me? That I'm too fucking blind to see what might be good for me?!" I screamed at him, which then caused him to pull the car over to the side of the road. I looked at him expectantly, but he just shut the car off and got out, slamming the door behind him.

I climbed out of the passenger seat and looked over the top of the car at him. He was pacing the length of the car, his jaw clenched.

"I'm just fucking sick and tired of you picking the wrong guys Veronica. I know you feel like crap when you get burned time and time again because of these guys, but how do you think I feel?"

"I don't fucking care how you feel Brooks! I'm the one that gets hurt over and over again. You know, I thought I had pretty good judgement when it came to bringing men into my life. I have you don't I? Or is having you as just a friend not enough?"

"I don't know Veronica, but I get asked every fucking day that I wake up if we're together or not yet. Have you never thought about it?"

"Of course I have, when we were both eighteen!!" He stopped pacing as his face dropped as he looked over at me for the first time. Where was all of this coming from? I was a mixture of emotions, not knowing what was dominating what. I was angry, confused, sad, excited, enthralled. I just didn't know if I should lash out at him or run up to him and kiss him. KISS HIM?!?!?!

"I'm sorry, let's just get back home and go to bed okay?"

"No. No we will not. I need to know what you're talking about Brooks. I am so fucking confused right now." Now I was the one pacing.

"Have you ever asked yourself 'what if'?"

"Of course I have, but I can't dwell on 'what if' everyday Brooks. I live my life."

"You live your life?! You really think you've been living your life to the fullest? That you're making all the right decisions to make your life better? You just spent nine months dwelling over an abusive relationship! I'm practically dragging you out of Seattle because you have nothing here. If you at least had some fucking friends I'd let you decide on moving by yourself, but you have nothing Veronica. Nothing!"

"Do you think that I'm such a low life that you have to come to my rescue!? That I need to be saved? Is that where you get off Brooks? Do you get a fucking hard on knowing that you're saving me from this hell I'm living in?!"

Our shouting match had drawn people outside of their homes that we were putting on a show for. Yet now, all those emotions I was feeling before turned into one, pure anger. The only thing keeping me from pounding my fist into his chest was the car. "Niko, please can-"

"No! Don't you dare Niko me. I get it now Brooks, I understand. You just feel sorry for me, but you know what? I don't need your pity! I-"

"That's exactly it Veronica! I feel sorry for you! I'm sorry that you were once this vibrant, outgoing young woman! I'm sorry that you were once so spontaneous that you got me in trouble with coach! I'm sorry that no matter what you do, you can't be happy!"

It was those last few words that hit me like a train. I felt all the oxygen in my body escape and the dark sky above us, suddenly became darker. He was right and he knew it. He also knew that I knew he was right. Steve ultimately did this to me. He had turned me into a zombie and Brooks was right about everything. I didn't have any friends besides him. I use to be spontaneous. I use to be outgoing. Now I was like the old cat lady next door no one wanted to associate with. I was a zombie influenced with the thoughts that I wasn't good enough. So that's what I became. Someone that wasn't good for anything. I collected a pay check, paid my bills and that was the extent of my being. Who was I? What had I become? I felt the tears hit my hands before those knowing arms wrapped themselves around me.

"I'm so sorry Niko, I didn't mean it," Brooks whispered into my ear. I wanted to tell him he was right, but words weren't forming correctly in my brain, all my words were jumbled up and I knew if I tried to talk, it'd be a disaster. "Come on, let's get you home."





I woke up the next morning, alone in bed. I glanced around for any evidence that Brooks slept in my bed the night before, but there was none. The left side of my bed was still neatly made and no clothes were thrown about. I sat up and leaned back against the headboard, replaying the previous nights argument over in my head. I was still so confused about what Brooks was trying to say. I knew there was more to it than what he was revealing.

Why is it that everyone around us, everyone, wants us together . . . except for you?

What did he mean!? I knew our few mutual friends and family would joke about us being together, but they weren't serious. They were joking. Did Brooks actually think they were being serious this whole time? We could never work together. It just wouldn't work. "Why though?" I asked myself out loud and begin to ponder the many reasons as to why. Yet I can't come up with anything. Well one thing.

Mike.

I grab my cellphone off the night stand and flip through my contacts until I land on his name. I just needed to hear a voice that wasn't Brooks' at this point, and Mike was my number one guy after all.

"Hey beautiful, you're up early."

I glanced over at the clock to see it was just past 6:30 in the morning. "I was out like a rock last night. How are you? How was your night?"

"It was good. Stayed in, played some guitar and practiced on the drums. I was actually just thinking about you."

"Oh yeah? Why's that?"

"Well Brooks just texted me regarding you."

"What?! Why?"

"Don't worry about it. All you need to know is that he is playing the best friend role and he will always have your back."

I felt my heart sink and confusion wash over me at the same time. "We got into a huge fight last night," I mumbled into the receiver hoping he wouldn't be able to hear me.

"You and Brooks? Why?"

"I don't know. But I need to tell him he was right. I think I'm just stressed out from this move and overly sensitive to everything. He might have said something kind of funny and I probably took it the wrong way. I was drinking wine."

"Well whatever it was, I'm sure it's not such a big deal, just a misunderstanding." Not a big deal? I like to think it is a big deal, whatever it is. We finished up our conversation and I stepped out of my bedroom and into the living room where Brooks was sitting on the couch surrounded by pillows and blankets.

He looked up at me with regret and sorrow in his eyes. I glanced down at my hands and played with my fingers. "I'm sorry Brooks, you were right. About everything. I've allowed myself to turn into this zombie and I just don't know how to be happy anymore. But I know when I get to DC and being so close to you, and being close to Mike, that the old me will be back. I have no doubts about that." I brought my eyes back up to his and his jaw was clenched and his right hand was balled up into a fist.

"I don't want to talk about it anymore," he grumbled as he got up from the couch and walked out of my apartment, slamming the front door shut behind him. I stood there stunned, not knowing what to think. What else had I done to piss him off so badly? What was happening between us?