21: I Swore I'd Never Fall Again

His eyes blinked numerous times before he opened his mouth. “What do you mean you can’t do this?”

“I . . . I don’t know Mike. I don’t know what I want anymore. I am so confused, and I’m getting so old. And what we have is great, it is, but it’s not forever. What we have isn’t forever. I’m trying to figure out if I want forever or not, and if you factor into that. I just don’t know. I don’t know,” I rambled as I grabbed my coat and pulled it on to cover my exposed body. I needed something to separate Mike and I, and if that was as simple as a coat, it would have to do. This was a mistake. Coming here was a mistake. I should have just gone somewhere, anywhere. Just not here.

“It’s okay to question what you want in your life, you just caught me off guard.”

“I’m sorry Mike.”

“Don’t apologize. Look we’re leaving on a road trip tomorrow for a few days. Why don’t you go relax, maybe go to the spa or something. Clear your head. I think I like you better when you’re worry free.”

Road trip! No Mike, no Brooks! This could be time for me to detox my brain and figure my shit out. It didn’t matter what I do though, someone will end up heartbroken. More than likely, me. I wanted to scream, that was all I wanted to do.

I sped home a little faster than I probably should have, slipping around corners, and nearly taking out a mailbox. When I finally got home in one piece, I ignored Brooks who was sitting on the couch and headed straight for my room to put real clothes on. Once I didn't feel like such a slut, I headed back downstairs and made my way straight for the door, but Brooks was standing there blocking me.

"What are you doing?" I asked with an edge of irritation in my voice.

"What the hell is going on with you Niko?"

I felt my whole face flush and my palms begin to sweat. There were times when I could swear he could read my mind. He knows, he knows I want him. "Nothing's wrong, I need to go Christmas shopping."

"Why can't you do that tomorrow? We leave for five days in the morning. Hang out with me today."

"Why don't you hang out with Ashley?"

"Is that what this is about? Is that what's wrong with you? You're allowed to date, but I can only just sit here and be miserable?"

My eyes wandered to everywhere but on him. Why was he doing this? Why was he making things so much more difficult for me? "I'm not keeping you from dating Brooks! You're free to do what you want! Why do I have to give you permission?"

"Because I am sick and tired of waiting! Whatever, just go, I'll see you in a week!" He brushed past me and headed up the stairs. I stood there for awhile, starring at the front door.

Waiting? Waiting for what?! At that moment when he brushed passed me, it felt like everything was falling apart. It felt like my mind was twisting into knots, and I just didn't have the energy to untie them. I didn't even have the energy to think about what I was doing. Was I being a bitch and just not realizing it? Was Brooks being a complete jackass but in my post-sex hazy state, did I not notice?

I heard my phone ring in my purse tucked under my arm and I snapped out of my daze to pull it out. "Hello?"

"Holy crap, she answered her phone."

Why, why, WHY?! I didn't know if I should acknowledge Steve or just hang up. Maybe if I just stayed silent he would think he lost connection. "I can hear you breathing Veronica."

Fuck. "What do you want Steve?"

"I'm getting married."

My emotions were already running high, and I felt my blood boil as he spewed the words out at me. "You called me to tell me something I already know? That's fucked up Steve."

"No, listen. We're getting married in February. I want you there."

I shook my head and dropped my purse on the ground, taking a few steps toward the stairs and sat down. I ended the call with Steve and began to cry. I was back to where I was just a few months ago, confused and pissed at myself for putting myself in this position. I gave up on my original plan of leaving the house and jumped up from the couch and headed for the kitchen. I could hear Brooks playing his guitar somewhere deep in the house and I looked out the window to see Dolly waving to me. I waved back to be polite and then pulled down my sleeping pills. With shaking hands I took one out and down it with a glass of tap water.

I forgot how quickly my pills kicked in, as I felt my body begin to drag toward the ground in the living room. “The floor looks comfy,” I giggle to myself as I snatch a pillow off the couch and pass out on the ground.



When I woke up, I felt drunk. The lovely after effects of my sleeping aids. I rolled onto my back and wiped my mouth clean of my slobber. I slowly opened my eyes and saw Brooks sitting on the couch, holding his head in his hands. He brought his head up and looked at me, pure anger pumping through his body. What the hell happened now?

“Don’t you ever fucking do that to me again Veronica! I walk in here and I thought you were dead! After panicking for a good thirty minutes, I thought 'wait, who falls dead with their head on a pillow? Who lucks out like that? Oh maybe Veronica does!' I ran into the kitchen to grab the phone to call 911 and I found your pills! You couldn’t have told me you were going down for a nap? What the hell is wrong with you?”

I hear his words loud and clear, but it takes some time to actually process what he’s saying. By the time his last sentence floats from my ears to my brain I start crying. Sobbing. “Is it so wrong . . . that I just . . . want to . . . disappear?” I scream at him between deep, staggered breaths.

“What do you mean disappear?”

“I need to get away. I can’t be around Mike. I can’t be around you. Sometimes, I don’t even want to be around myself. I can’t do it. I’m done Brooks. I need a mental vacation.”

I could sense his whole body relaxing as his head drops again. I sit up slowly, and lean my back against the couch. He stands up and walks in front of me and sits down, taking my hand in his. “Will you please tell me what is going on? We’ve been best friends for nearly a decade, and I have never seen you like this. Niko, I don’t want you to disappear, I want you here, I need you here.”

“Why are you making it sound like I want to commit suicide?” I ask after calming my breathing enough to string together a complete sentence.

“Because that’s what you sound like! I walk in here to find you passed out from a sleeping pill and now you’re telling me you want to disappear, that you don’t want to be around the people that care the most about you? How would you feel if I did that?”

I shake my head back and forth, still trying to gain full consciousness. “Stop, just stop.”

“No Veronica, you need to tell me what’s going on. I can’t leave in the morning for five days with you like this! Unless you want me to have Dolly stay with you, you better start talking.”

“What if I was in love with someone other than Mike? And I feel like I’m screwing myself over because of it?” I finally spat out, surprising myself. In love? Since when did I go from wanting to have sex with Brooks to being in love with him?

“Then you need to end things with Mike. And you wouldn’t be screwing yourself over; you’d be screwing him over! He’s crazy about you Niko! He talks to me all the time about making this thing of yours with him serious, he just doesn’t know how. So if he isn’t what you want, you better let him down now, instead of continuing to drag him along like you are!”

Oh fuck, I’m in love with Brooks. I slowly withdraw my hand from his and stare at the carpet. No words were forming in my brain, just fear. Pure, raw fear. When I didn’t say anything he took this as a sign to continue.

“Mike is an amazing guy Niko. This other guy . . . this other guy you claim to be in love with? I just can’t picture anyone more perfect for you than Mike.”

“What if that guy was you? What if you’re the guy I’m in love with Brooks? Ever think about that?” I shout at him, attempting to stand up to distance myself from him. I stumbled upon standing on my feet, but manage to take a few steps away from him.

“Don’t you dare fucking say that! This isn’t something to joke around about Veronica.” He voice is low, and shaky. I’m convinced he hates me.

“Being miserable in Seattle was so much better than being miserable here with you,” I say firmly to him just above a whisper, watching as he stands from the ground to face me.

“You don’t mean that.”

“Yeah I do. Because in Seattle, I didn’t have anything. I accepted the fact that after Steve, I’m damaged goods, and I’m okay with the fact that I’ll spend the rest of my life alone.”

“Steve has nothing to do with us.”

“Because of him, I never want to love again, but I’m falling in love Brooks, and I don’t want to!” I lower my voice and look down at my feet. “I’m confusing myself. I don’t know what I want. Why do people have to want things? Why can’t we be content with nothing?” I feel myself begin to cry again and his arms wrap around me.

“I think you’re confusing me too sleepy head,” he laughs gently, lifting the mood immensely. “Promise me something okay?” I nod my head against his chest. “While I’m gone, you’ll turn off this brain of yours and let it recharge?”

“I think I can do that,” I mumble and pull away from him to collapse on the couch. He walks up to the entertainment center and plugs my iPod into the home port. He presses play then grabs his guitar out of the corner of the room. He sits down next to me and plays along with the music playing in the background.

“Can we sit here tonight, just be together, and relax?” He asks, hesitation in his voice.

“Yeah, I think I’d like that. I’m still a little too drugged up to do anything else.”

I leaned my head back, and allow his quiet strums and the music to take over my body. I was a big emotional wreck. I felt like a ping pong ball bouncing every which way. My mind was having an internally argument about what to think about. I didn’t want to think about anything at all. I didn’t want to think about hurting Mike. I didn’t want to think about falling in love with Brooks. I didn’t want to think about Steve and his wedding invite. I just wanted to sit and allow the music to consume me.

Classical music. If there is anything that can completely clear my mind, it’s classical music. I get up from the couch and head for the iPod. "Don't change it, I like this song." Brooks snapped at me and I withdrew my hand, walking away from the entertainment center. "Dance with me."

"What?" I laughed as he got up from the couch and approached me, wrapping one arm around my lower back and taking my free hand in his. "Just listen."

Remember those walls I built? Well, baby they’re tumbling down
And they didn’t even put up a fight, they didn’t even make a sound
I found a way to let you in, but I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo, I got my angel now
It’s like when I’ve been awakened, every rule I had you breakin’
It’s the risk that I’m taking, I ain’t never gonna shut you out
Everywhere I’m looking now I’m surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo, you know you’re my saving grace
You’re everything I need and more, it’s written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo, pray it won’t fade away

As the words filled in around us, it took me a moment to realize I was crying. Brooks was my saving grace. Always has been and he always will be. We spun in slow small circles around the living room, and finally, my mind was clear. I felt like I was where I should be. Where I should always be.

Hit me like a ray of sun, burning through my darkest night
You’re the only one that I want, think I’m addicted to your light
I swore I’d never fall again, but this don’t even feel like falling
Gravity can’t forget to pull me back to the ground again

I pulled my face away from his shoulder and looked up to see him starring down at me. “Veronica.” He said my name just above a whisper, his eyebrows pinched together in a painful expression. I gasped upon seeing the emotions in his eyes, they were a dark blue, a shade I had never seen before. I became lost in them. His eyes were sucking my soul right out of me. I could feel my body melt as he released my hand and placed his on the side of my face. My eyes involuntarily closed. The mixture of the loopiness and Brooks’ warm hand on my face was enough to send me into a coma. I felt his warm breath on my nose, and I forced my eyes to open just as I felt his hot, wet mouth attach itself to mine. I felt every organ in my body contract, all of the knots in my brain unravel, and my lungs expand with air coming in quickly through my nose. All of the bones in my legs turned to sand and I had to throw my arm around Brooks’ neck to keep me standing upright. I parted my lips the slightest bit and he pushed forward harder, moving his lips over mine in a rhythmic motion. The perfect motions to dance to the beat our hearts were currently creating. Our own song and dance. This felt so normal for me, like I had been kissing him for as long as I have known him. He spun me around quickly and took a few steps forward. I felt like a rag doll, my legs dragging in front of me. He forced my back up against the wall, and I was pinned. I wasn’t going anywhere. I didn’t want to go anywhere. I moaned against his lips as his fingers trailed down to the side of my neck, pulling my chin more up toward him. The song changed in the background, and slowly one by one, my other senses returned to me.

Lately I’ve been thinking, maybe you’re not ready for me
Maybe you think I need to learn maturity
They say watch what you ask for, cause you might receive
But if you ask me tomorrow, I’ll say the same thing
I am ready for love

I pulled away from him quickly, hitting my head on the wall. I looked into his eyes, they were hungry for so much more. This wasn’t happening. This can’t be happening. I gently pushed him off of me and stumbled my way up the stairs and into my room. I quickly locked the door behind me and collapsed on my bed.

There was a light knock on my door followed by him calling out my name. I didn't want to face him after that. "Niko!" But I knew I had to.

I got up from the bed and rubbed my hands underneath my eyes. I walked up to the door and rested my forehead on the wood. I rested my hand on the handle and he called out my name one more time. I unlocked my door and headed back for my bed, sitting down on the edge. The door swung open and he slowly walked in, closing the door behind him, almost as if he was refusing me any escape route I was currently contemplating. He approached me and sat down next to me, our thighs grazing each other. "Can we talk about that?"

"Brooks, I-"

"No wait, hear me out. I'm sorry; it was a mistake I know. It was wrong of me to do that with you being in the mental state you are in right now. I’m sorry Niko. I’m always one to go and complicate things. Can we just act like it never happened?”

I cursed to myself to keep my tears from falling. He thought it was a mistake? Does he not realize what he’s doing to me? So here I sat, in love with a man who wants to pretend like nothing happened. "Yeah, okay."