23: My Purpose

With two suitcases filled to the brim, I dragged them down the stairs behind me. I ran around the house frantically making sure all of the lights and appliances were off. Once I was back at the kitchen door, I grabbed my keys, my purse and dragged my suitcases once again with me outside.

"Veronica darling! What are you doing?"

"Leaving." I shouted over my shoulder as I walked down the pathway toward my car.

"Like hell you are!" Dolly shouted and I heard the gate separating our properties swing open. "You're not driving anywhere! You drank nearly half that bottle of tequila! Where do you think you are going?"

"The airport!" I shouted at her as she grabbed one of my bags and walked down the driveway and over to hers. As I watched her load my suitcase into her trunk, I quickly ran over to her with my other suitcase where it was placed beside the other one. I walked over to the passenger seat and climbed in. She started up the car and backed out.

"So are you going to tell me why I'm taking you to the airport? What happened after I left?"

"Brooks called. I think I told him I love him."

"So you're running?"

"Yeah. What else would I do?"

"No, I understand. Here, they won't let you on a plane drunk, drink some of this." She handed me a bottle and when I looked down at it, I realized that I wasn't just drunk, I was pretty much hammered. I couldn't even see what I was holding. I unscrewed the top and chugged the contents inside, which wasn't a whole lot of liquid. I couldn't even taste it.

"So I need the next f-fli-flight to . . . Phah-"



Why did it feel like every morning for a long time now, I wake up hung over? I rolled around in the white sheets surrounding me until I fell to the ground with a thud. I opened my eyes and looked around the room I was in. There was lace everywhere. I was in my parent's house already? How? What? I crawled up off the ground and looked around the room, squinting my eyes at framed photos. "I don't know these people." I looked out the window and saw snow falling. Wait. I looked back at the photos and sure enough, in one of the frames was a picture of Dolly and two small blond girls.

I stumbled my way to the door, with each step I took it no longer felt like I was hung over, it felt like I was still drunk. I swung the door open and the smell of bacon hit my nose. I held my stomach and calmed my senses before venturing into the kitchen. "Oh good morning sweetheart!" Dolly chirped from behind the stove.

"Did you drug me?"

"What?"

"Did you drug me? You drove me to the airport last night, and then I can't remember anything else."

"Oh no dear, I drove you around the block until you passed out, and then I had Hank across the street carry you into the bedroom."

"Why didn't you just take me to the airport?"

"I couldn't let you leave like that! You were hysterical! You're in love with your best friend! Plus on top of it you were drunk like a skunk. I won't let you make the same mistake I did."

"Okay wait, I have two questions. First, what did you have me drink last night?"

"A tiny bit of NyQuil."

"That's evil. Okay, so second question, what do you mean the same mistake you did?"

"Come on child, sit down. Do you want any coffee?"

I shook my head no, and took a seat at her kitchen table. She turned off the stove and pilled food on a plate and brought it over to the table. She placed a clean plate in front of me and sat down across the table, taking some food herself.

"I was in your situation when I was your age. Fell in love with my best friend, never told him, watched him fall in love and get married. They had two beautiful children. Then one day he told me he was in love with me and always had been." She paused, her eyes glassing over. I reached across the table and placed my hand over hers.

"What happened?" I asked knowing there was more to the story.

"He died three days later. He was going to divorce his wife, and he felt terrible for doing so. I felt terrible for him to do that, but he was determined we were supposed to be together. Then he got into a car accident and that's all it took. Veronica, anything can happen, that's how fast something you love can be taken away from you."

I felt tears well up in my eyes as I listened to her. I could hear the heartbreak in her voice.

"Veronica, you have to tell him."

"I'm scared," I whispered as her hand slipped out from under mine, and she placed it on top of mine. Now she was the one comforting me.

"Why are you scared? You've known him your whole adulthood."

"It will change things. He doesn't feel the same way about me. He kissed me cause we got caught up in the moment, and he told me to forget about it. To act like nothing happened. He has no idea what he does to me, whatever it is that this is. I just need to a few days to clear my head and get over him. For good."

"Well I can't force you to do anything, or smack you upside the head to realize those feelings will be reciprocated, but you're a grown woman. You'll make your own stupid mistakes."

"Thank you Dolly." I pushed myself away from the table and stood up. "Where are my suitcases?" I asked her after looking around the kitchen.

"Oh Hank put them in your house for you. You left the door unlocked." I groaned at my own stupidity. I thought I made sure everything was turned off and locked up. That just showed how far gone I had truly been the night before.



With Brooks gone, and twelve inches of new snow on the ground, I was left in the house with nothing but my thoughts. The thoughts I couldn't shut up. The pros and cons constantly running through my mind. There was no on and off switch. It was just me and my thoughts. I did everything to think of something else, something other than the disaster that would be Brooks and I, but I couldn't . . . I just couldn't think of anything else. It was haunting my well being, and my mind was obsessed with it.

I was trying to convert my thoughts from how amazing Brooks is to how wrong we would be together. I was failing miserably. That was until I started doing the laundry, and found the red lace thong in his hamper. Brooks is a playboy. He just isn't the marrying type. At least in my eyes, he isn't the marrying type. This just confirmed it. I sat down on the edge of his bed and looked at the underwear on the floor. He was no different than me. Why did this upset me so much? I wasn't in a committed emotional relationship but I was in a committed sexual relationship. All I was doing was going in this emotional circle, destroying myself. Mike started out as something fun, new and somewhat dangerous. Now all he was, was a distraction from Brooks. I could feel my heart drop to my stomach as I continued looking at the underwear. I was angry with myself, and full of jealousy. A deadly combination for my emotions.

I suddenly felt like I turned into Steve. I stooped down to his level. He didn't take our relationship seriously, making me feel like all I was good for was a lay. Now here I am, sleeping with Mike. That's all I'm good for after all, isn't it? Brooks and I are more alike that I first figured. I'm not the marrying type either. All I have to do is smile and spread my legs and I'll be okay. I'm just flesh and bones, there are no emotions attached. How did I become so damn good at hiding my emotions though? I'm struggling so bad on the inside, but people around me have no idea what's really going on. Well that's everybody minus Dolly, that woman can see straight through me.

A loud thud rang through the house from downstairs and I jumped from my spot on Brooks' bed. My heart rate immediately picked up as I heard clattering. I got up from the bed and cautiously made my way downstairs, looking for something, anything to grab to protect myself. I rounded the corner into the kitchen with a tennis racquet in hand and ran right into a broad chest. I immediately began screaming and swinging my arms frantically, but the racquet was ripped from my hands, and a strong arm wrapped around my waist.

"What the fuck are you doing?!" I stopped trying to run away and looked over my shoulder to see Brooks holding on to me.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" I asked back. He was on a road trip, for five days. Why was he here?

"It's Tuesday Niko, road trip is over. It's nice to see you too."

"It's Tuesday?" I was seriously confused. It felt like he had just left the day before. Had five days really gone by without my knowledge? His fingers dug into the fabric of my shirt, digging into my skin, and I quickly shoved his arm away and stepped away.

"Are you okay Niko? I sent you a text message saying what time I'd be home."

"Text message? No, I guess I'm just a bit out of it. I've been working a lot around the house."

"Have you slept at all? You have bags under your eyes."

Red lace flashed in my eyes again and I walked out of the kitchen. I couldn't talk to him, not yet. This was too quick. I wasn't ready. I didn't mentally prepare myself for his arrival. "Oh hey," I shouted back to him, looking over my shoulder. He was standing in the doorway watching me. "I was doing your laundry, but there's a fine line when it comes to underwear that doesn't belong to you or I, so I'm just going to leave it on the floor. You can decide if you want to wash it or not." I turned back around and headed toward the stairs.

"I'm sick of this Niko, whatever this is."

I stopped on the first step and turned around to look at him. "What?"

"All of a sudden you find out I'm sleeping with girls, and you get all psychotic on me."

"I'm not. There's just something about dirty underwear that belongs to a girl I don't know, that I don't want anything to do with."

"No, there's more to it than that. Why don't you just open up to me? How come we're drifting apart so bad?"

Because you fucking kissed me! And now I'm in love with you!! I pinched my eyes shut and scratched the bridge of my nose. "I don't know Brooks. We've never lived together, maybe this just isn't working out."

"No Niko. You need to be straight with me, and you need to be straight with me right now. I feel like you're going in circles. This isn't you, and you can't blame it on your housing. Is it me? Is it Mike? What is it?"

I took a deep breath and looked down at my feet. "It's me."

"How? Why?"

"Everyone has something special about them. They all have a calling. You have this amazing personality, and you're talented at hockey. Mike, likewise with hockey, and he has this sweet core inside of him. What . . . what do I have?" I bite my lip as the words left my mouth. I had no idea where any of this was coming from, but maybe this is what is bothering me so much. Maybe I just need to hear from Brooks that I’m worth more than just sex. Yet I immediately regret asking him, he’s perfect, of course he’s going to make me feel good about myself. Which is turn won’t help me get over him. Already before he’s even said a word, I’m cursing to myself for even talking.

"Niko," he whispered as he took a step toward me, and I shook my head and held out my hand to stop him. "You are a beautiful woman Veronica, never doubt that. We all have a purpose to be here right? I'm pretty damn sure I'm here to play hockey. We each have our own path, some find theirs later than others. I know what your path is, you're just not there yet."

"What Brooks? What is my path? What is my purpose on this planet? Why am I here?" Why do I keep pushing the subject? I’m burying myself a hole I know I won’t be able to climb out of later. I’m encouraging him to tell me wonderful things, so I can just fall deeper into love with him.

"You're here to be a mother. When the time comes and you fall in love and get married, you are going to be an amazing mother. Not all mothers are great, but you will be one. I know you will."

"A mother?" I choked out as my vision went blurry with tears. I wasn’t expecting him to say that.

"You do want kids right?" He laughed as he took slow, small steps toward me.

"Yeah, lots of them, you know that," I smiled shyly as he wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me in tight to him.

"Never doubt your being. Who knows, maybe Mike is that guy for you."

I sighed in relief. Brooks just pulled me out of my hole. He did it on his own without even realizing it. Brooks sees nothing in me more than just a friend. He sees Mike as a possible father of my children. He’s sees Mike before himself. That’s all I had to hear. I had to get over him, completely over him.