26: Running

No one in the room moved, not until Mike shook his head and grabbed his cell phone off the table storming out of the house. Brooks got up and followed him, I heard the faint click of the lock and pressed my forehead to my knees. How could I be so fucking stupid? The couch dipped down next to me and two arms wrapped around me. Brooks pulled me against his chest, and I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to be around him. “I’m sorry,” he whispered against my ear, before his lips dragged across my ear lobe. He tilted his head down and kissed my neck. I placed my hands on his shoulders and pushed him away.

“Niko.”

“No Brooks, stop. I don’t know what this is that you’re doing, but do you have no idea what just happened? What the fuck is your problem? Are you bi-polar or something? This whole time you’ve warned me about not hurting Mike, and now I’ve hurt him, and you continue to put moves on me? What the hell is going on in your head?”

He sat there and stared at me, trying desperately to find the right words to say. I gave up after a few moments of silence and left the living room. I picked up Murphy on my way to my bedroom. I set the puppy down on the bed and pulled my cell phone out of my pocket. I dialed the one number that I didn’t want to dial. It rang a few times before my mother answered with a chirpy ‘hello’.

“Hey mom, Merry Christmas.”

“What’s wrong Veronica? You sound depressed.”

“Um, I need you ask you and dad a favor.”

“What’s that sweetie?”

“I need to move in with you guys for awhile. I’ll explain everything when I get there, and then I’ll start a job hunt and get an apartment.”

“Whatever you need to do sweetie.”

“Thanks mom, I’ll call you when I have a flight booked.”

I hung up the phone and fell back on the bed, Murphy crawling up onto my stomach to get comfortable. I was doing what I always did, but I had no choice this time. I couldn’t stay here and then continue to act like nothing had happened. Mike confessed his love, and in return I ripped his heart out. I know how it feels to be cheated on. Sure Steve never slept with any of my girlfriends, but it sucks. I can’t even imagine what Mike is going through. Why did I do that?

Most of all, why did Brooks do that? He can’t just kiss me whenever he wants. Friendships don’t work like that. At all. He’s fucking with my heart, and I don’t appreciate it.

Another reason why I had to leave was an obvious one. Mike and Brooks are teammates, and I was always one to put the team first. I couldn’t be here and continue to be what divided the two. It wasn’t fair to them.

I began to pack my things in all of the bags and suitcases I had. An hour must have passed by the time Brooks knocked on my door. Finally calm enough to see him, I opened the door and turned back to my closet.

“What are you doing?”

“Leaving. You can consider this my notice, I can’t stay here and continue to disrupt your relationship with Mike. Let’s just go back to the way things used to be, okay? I’ll come out for your birthday, and we’ll spend some time together over the summer. If you make it to the finals, I’ll come out. Just back to normal.”

He leaned against the door frame, his arms crossed over his chest. He starred down at his feet as he took in my words. I was thankful he wasn’t trying to argue with me. He knew as much as I did, that I was no good for the dynamics of his hockey team. Him and Mike had to be able to work together.

This didn’t fix all of our problems though, I still wanted to know what was going on in his head. He walked into my room and sat down next to the open suitcase on my bed. I grabbed a few more things out of my closet and tossed them in before I stepped in front of him.

“You understand why I have to do this, right?”

He searched my face, biting his bottom lip before nodding his head. “Um, where are you going to go?”

“Phoenix. I’m going to stay with my parents for awhile.”

“I’ll go buy your ticket.”

“Brooks, you don’t have to do that.”

“I put you in this situation, let me help you, okay?” There was an edge of agitation to his voice as he got up from the bed. I simply nodded my head and he continued his way out of my bedroom.

“Murphy, what the hell have I done?” I ask the small puppy who found a home in my suitcase curled up in my clothes.





It was a quick departure from DC. I thought for sure Brooks would buy me a ticket for the next week, but he managed to get one for the next day. The airport was packed, and instead of just dropping me off, Brooks parked his truck and walked me in. Things happened so suddenly, it was kind of hard to believe myself that I was leaving. I had called Mike to apologize and tell him I was leaving, that he wouldn’t have to deal with me anymore, but he didn’t answer. I left a short voicemail, and knew if he had any questions he would just call.

With Murphy tucked in a bag and a carryon being dragged behind me, Brooks helped me check in two suitcases, then walked me to the security. I looked up at him and his eyes were glassed over. I never thought our friendship would have to be put through any of this, but I was obviously wrong. “I better go,” I whisper, taking my eyes away from his face.

“Yeah.”

“Brooks? Are you in love with me?” I was shocked at my own question, but I guess I just needed to know. I needed to know if I was making the right decision.

“No,” he whispered bringing his eyes up to mine. There was truth and regret behind his eyes and I bit my tongue to stop the tears from flowing out. I nodded my head, taking my eyes down to the ground. He placed his hand under my chin and brought my eyes back up to his. “But, I love you, okay?” I smiled weakly at him and he kissed my forehead. I headed through security and looked back one last time to see Brooks walking away.

I managed to cry nearly the whole flight to Phoenix. Reality hit me hard. Brooks was just looking for a good time, and he was doing that with me. I never thought he’d be the type of guy to do that, but he did. He wasn’t in love with me like my mind had tricked me into believing he was.

I felt like a walking zombie as I navigated my way through the Phoenix airport. Once I found the baggage claim, my parents quickly made their way to me, my mom engulfing me in her arms. “Let’s grab your bags and go home, then we’ll talk okay?” I nodded my head and we waited for my bags on the carousel. I couldn’t even talk, I was in this depressed state where it just felt like nothing mattered anymore. I lost Mike and Brooks all within 24 hours because of stupid mistakes and false assumptions.

Being back in Arizona was a weird feeling for me. I knew I shouldn’t be here, but I was. Once we pulled into the driveway, I knew it was only a matter of minutes before my mom began to ask questions.

I sat down at the kitchen table and she pulled out iced tea from the fridge and poured me a glass. “Well, why are you here all of a sudden?” She asked taking a seat across from me.

“I’m in love with Brooks. Or at least I think I am. I’ve been going through these swings where I am, then I convince myself I’m not. Well I’ve been dating his friend, and his friend told me he loved me last night and I . . . no, I don’t do love. Not with anyone other than Brooks. Brooks ended up kissing me last night, and we would have had sex, but Mike walked in on us. I just, I had to leave. This morning I asked him if he was in love with me," I paused to whip away the tears that sneaked out. "And he told me no. I thought I was reading all the signs right, but I wasn't. Leave it to me to fall in love with my best friend who doesn't feel the same."

"He loves you Veronica, we can all see it. Maybe he's scared, have you told him you love him?"

"Kinda, I mean its this ongoing circle. I did tell him I won't be able to love him the way I want to and when he called me out on it I told him I was confused. This was last night. He's messing with me mom, and I don't like it."

"Well just stay here through the New Year, clear your head then you need to go back and tell him your true feelings. Don't word it weird, you just need to come out and tell him you're in love with him."

“I wish it was that easy mom. It’s hard enough that he’s my best friend, but throw on top what Steve did to me. I’m scared. I’m scared shitless.”

“Veronica, you’re not getting any younger. You need to tell him.”

“He doesn’t love me.” I covered my face with my hands and cried into my palms. Of course he wouldn’t be in love with me. You never get what you really want, and sitting here with my mom I realize the thing I want the most is Brooks. I’m meant to be with him. He’s been my rock for nearly a decade, we know everything about each other. He is my other half.

The other half I’ll never have. Life here in Phoenix will be one of adjustment to living life never quite fulfilled. I’ll have to learn to live my life knowing that this void in my heart will always be there.